I Have Lost God


My father always told me that GOD really only cares if you're good person at heart, to live by the golden rule "Do on to others...", and to have a one on one relationship with GOD. I always believed in GOD growing up but I didn't like going to church. I always felt that GOD was real but really didn't care about religion. I always felt him watching over me and taking care of me. When I used to pray as a kid, I always prayed to GOD but never to Jesus (to me it was easier to go direct to the source) and when I was a teenager and throughout my twenties, I prayed usually when I was in trouble.


To tell you the truth when I did pray to GOD, I always felt GOD'S presence and he would let me know everything would be alright. I would see GOD in the smile of a baby, the beauty of a sunset, and feel him in cool breeze on a hot day and in the love from my family and friends.  GOD would tell me even though I was doing bad things (sex, drugs, drinking, and many other stupid petty crimes, I luckily never got caught doing) he still loved and believed in me, GOD said he would wait until I was ready to accept him and let him into my life. I would remember praying "Please GOD get me through this night and I'll never do (whatever stupidity I got myself into) again!" At the end of the night or when the danger went away, I would thank him, he would forgive me, and the next night I would do it again. Every time GOD would still let me know everything would be alright he still loved and believed in me (even thought I felt I didn't deserve it) and one day I will be ready to be the good man he saw in me. 


Years later as my wife was pregnant with our first baby, I started wondering more about GOD and I felt it was time to give a little back to him. (I would still pray sometimes and have my one on one time with him to give thanks). My wife's family is very Christian (Baptist) and when they found out that I was reading the Bible they wanted to help. Like I said, I believed in GOD and I had my 1 on 1 relationship with him directly, which was fine with me. My wife's brother who is a minister told me there is no one on one with GOD. Everything had to go directly through Jesus and you have to believe the Bible as the only "TRUTH" and as Historical FACT. The thing is I never really believed that the Bible is the direct word from GOD because as real history tells us it has been changed and reworded and watered down to fit the church's agenda over the years. He even got me to believe that the GOD that I was talking to was not GOD at all but really the Devil because GOD (Jesus) would never tell you that it was OK not to go to church and to question the Bible. He said all that I learned about GOD from my Dad was wrong. He told me the only way to really connect with GOD was through Jesus. Those that don't believe that will never get into heaven no mater how good they are as people (even my DAD). This made me angry but I decided I would learn more about it before coming to a conclusion about the whole thing. I immersed myself in all that "Christian". I read Faith based books, the Bible, went to church every weekend, joined a bible study group, watched some Christian based TV, and even started listened to Christian music (which I am sorry to say annoys me). All this to get closer to GOD. The only part of the Bible that stuck with me was the Story of Jesus and how he preached about loving one another no matter what. How in the eyes of GOD we were all beautiful even if society scorned us. How even after he was wronged and tortured, he still forgave us. 


With this new respect I had for Jesus, the birth of my son, and the pushing by my wife's family, I  agreed to get baptized and be "saved". I still felt GOD'S presence and I felt him pushing me to do this even though in my heart I felt he would love me either way. So I went and took the plunge. I did feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I had washed away the guilt that I had for the stupid things I did in my youth. It was a great feeling that lasted...... about 30 seconds.


 When I go to church now I feel nothing, like it is a waste of time and the people are so fake especially when they lift there arms up in praise ( the one who does it the most and highest wins!). I know that they good people but I feel it is just a show for everyone else. To them you are only good if you believe like them, speak like them, listen to the same music as them. Forget ever, questioning anything the church tells you. DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!! Non believers, gays, and sinners are to be looked down on, pitied as the diseases they are. The only cure is their version of a pale faced, light  eyed, fair haired Jesus (that hates ****, Muslims, or any one else that doesn't believe in him).  it's sad how we as Christian have forgotten that main point of his teachings was LOVE. I really believe if Jesus was here he would tell us that we have it all wrong. The gifts he brought to us were for 


 Now over a year later I feel like I have lost that 1on1 connection I had with GOD.  When I pray I don't feel like I'm being heard anymore, like I'm leaving a message form him on an answering machine that he just deletes my message when I say "Hi GOD, its me..". I feel an empty space in my soul where my GOD used fit right in. It makes me sad because I feel I lost my hope and a great friend. 


On the other hand, sometimes I think that all the time before I was "saved" GOD had to watch over me. Now that I am "saved" and in better place in my life. He has moved on to someone who needs him more. But I still do need GOD'S guidance more then ever. I just need a sign that he still cares, that feeling in my heart of his presence, a cool breeze on hot day. Anything...... 


Thank you letting me vent. I would love to know if there is anyone who feels the same way. 

lostlost lostlost
8 Responses Mar 4, 2009

I have also felt very distant from God at times, and now is one of those times. I know that God is the creator and THE living God...but sometimes I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I try to pray and I like you don't feel like He hears me. I don't know how to explain this. I go to church and I even teach 5 yr old Bible class. But when I'm at church I feel like it is all so ritualistic and I have a hard time worshipping because I feel like everyone around me is just there for show and tell. I also feel like attending church services for some is like a fashion show and I really think it's not neccessary to dress up in your "Sunday Best" for services. I think doing that actually takes away from worship. It's almost as if people are worshipping themselves and the fashions rathar than God. I benefit from hearing the sermons and singing praises but somewhere along the way I have lost focus and don't really know what I'm doing in my spiritual life. It's scary.

Steve, agreed (as if I have ever disagreed with you) and also it is the idea that, rationalism or not, people prostrate themselves,both physically and mentally to these gods and their offspring.<br />
When I read comments such as "I suffer from extreme mental depression and am bipolar and in the evening think I am Napoleon, then I felt gods presence or it spoke to me" Can people not see the correlation, the member of the same club ness, the you don't have to be a nut job to worship a god, but it helps ness?

The non theisit beliefs have more appeal to me. also the idea that religious beliefs are a rationalisation of complex thoughts to make them more amenable to the human mind is a reasonable stance. My rejection of religion is based upon the conformist demands of the Abrahamic dogma, the doctrinaire philosophies of the mullahs, priests and so on.

Like I said we don't know all the answers and never will but god is the easy way out. Keep searching

AP submitting to something bigger is one positive aspect but the vastness of the universe isn't a reason to believe in god. Of course we don't understand all we should, we never will but for me god is not the answer. The quest for knowledge is the grail. We are occupy a part of the pale blue dot that is earth. It is a speck of dust in the universe. Yet despite our insignificance look what we have achieved. give us another 100 years and god will worship us! haha I'll burn in hell for that last one lol

You have given the answers to yourself. The hypocrisy of the christians is a warning. You say that God used to answer you but now doesn't. how do u tell the difference. The christians you speak of emphasise the control aspect of their religion and that is something you should be aware of. Organised religions self perpetuate through control. I think you are on the verge of freedom. Believe in yourself and you will not need the help of this mysterious entity.

God loves you. He made you for a purpose. That purpose is to know Him and His plans for you....God will never give up on you, people give up on Him. <br />
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If you want to know God's plans for you.... there is a part of your life He wants you to surrender to Him first. That is: the control of your life. If you let Him be the one in control of your life, then He will guide you and you will have joy and peace. <br />
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I also notice that God seems to become so distant when I am trying to come to Him through routine, habits, or other people. People often times cause you to fall away from the truth. Sadly. <br />
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God can only be reached through His ideas -not by the ideas of people.

Well, when I speak to the sky, it does not surprise me when nothing results from this one way conversation.<br />
I gather from your very well written account, that you still hold a belief in a sky god, if this is true you might want to pick a different one, if I understand correctly, Krishna and Zeus are a bit more talkative then Jehovah and Jesus.<br />
If on the other hand you no longer hold a belief in gods, demons, unicorns and ferries, you might try the atheist corner here at EP