I Don't Believe In Long Distance Relationships
I have to be upfront: I can't do a long-distance relationship again. I live in the Philly metro area. I want to meet someone HERE. And here's why:
I have had two long-distance relationships these past two years. I saw them as pleasant distractions to get me through a rough patch here but I never started them without the hope of them turning into more. I think the reason that I keep falling into long-distance relationships is that I'm home a lot, I'm a writer and online social networking seems to be easier for me. At least, it has been while I've still been technically married - see my recent post about getting a divorce, which hasn't happened yet because of the lack of job on my part, even though I'm trying like hell, but I digress...
The beauty of a LDR is that most communication happens by some sort of written form. I am a lover of words. I admire a man that writes and writes well. I admire intelligence and deep thought and someone I can learn from. I tend to find these friendships inadvertently through some sort of mutual interest group such as an atheist/science group. And I get a bit hooked on the attention. And then the thought that maybe I have met someone that I can see myself with long term. I have a long list of hopes/wishes in my next partner that is going to make life sooooo much more happy and fun. So, I'm sometimes anxious to start my new life and see what it's like to do things like go out "as a couple" with someone. Someone who will have a beer with me, someone my friends like, someone who gets it - as opposed to the misery I've had of being with someone who sits in the car and won't introduce himself and thinks social events are "stupid." I've been with a total jerk for so long that I am eager to know what life as an adult is like with someone who is not a jerk. So, I make a best friend, and then I fall in love with my best friend. But, sadly, when things are defined as friends first, or friends only, it doesn't matter how much romance enters the equation, I seem to be the only one that wants to make it more than friends. And this has become a painful experience for me. Now, twice painful.
I can't go through this LDR "friendship love" stuff anymore. I want a best friend, but one that's in town.
My only local social outlet is a classical music one. And those people are just as holed up in their lives as I am. Just as shy and introverted as I am. I love to socialize and will make the effort to come out of my shell and make conversation but I am initially very shy. I *do* exercise traits of being an extrovert because I've learned how to do that but it does not come naturally, it's just easier now. Unfortunately, I'm in no way comfortable walking into a bar by myself and striking up a conversation with a stranger. Though I did recently and I didn't even have the nerve to sit next to men that I found attractive. I sat between a bromance and a lesbian. The lesbian struck up a conversation with me. Nice girl. I felt bad that I had to break it to her that I wasn't gay. Maybe I sent mixed signals by sitting next to her. Nonetheless, the whole experience was very awkward and I haven't done it again.
I don't know how I'm going to meet someone HERE. But, I've gotta keep braving it. Networking, going out, meeting people. But it HAS to be local. It would be great if I could find another EP best friend who happens to live nearby. We'll see.
Am I completely opposed to another LDR? Well, maybe not, if it's within driving distance, and I'm met halfway somehow with making it work. But I am leary now.
I'm just out of another LDR. He wants our "friendship" to continue but he also wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can't bear it. He's going to spend the weekend of July 4th being with a girl that apparently doesn't mean nearly as much to him as I mean to him. After he has told me that I'm the center of his universe and he loves me and wants to keep being with me. But he's still gonna do it with this girl. It has taken me a few weeks to digest the hurt over it. I've tried to accept it but I can't. I've had to kill feelings that I don't want to kill because the only way I can accept t him fulfilling a promised dalliance with her is to not care about him anymore. He won't budge on this. Sadly, I'm kinda done with this. He'll have to pull a rabbit out of a hat to prove to me that I'm the one that he wants to be with. But I'm not chasing and investing anymore. I need to have more respect for myself. If I was all that and a bag of chips to him, he would make it clear.
It's also a bit of a struggle for me, having endured so many lies and distrust in my marriage, to easily trust someone in an LDR. Just by the very nature that we are not together makes it impossible to know why he's "busy." Does he really have a lot of work to do or is he blowing me off for someone he doesn't want to tell me about? There is no way to know. And just by the very nature of me being suspicious can hurt his feelings for me. I'm supposed to just blindly trust. I'm supposed to not read into any behavior that is strange (such as a disappearing act after weeks of daily texting). It doesn't seem to matter that I've been lied to so much that I don't know what end is up or down. However, if we were together, in person, I would easily be able to see what he's doing and how he goes about his day. I would be present to witness his actions, not just his words. And there would be no question, by the way he looks at me, touches me, spends time with me, etc. - that I'm his girl.
In the end, an LDR needs to bridge the gap permanently in order to continue and have any sort of future. I can't move to a new location. Though I wish I could make that leap, my son's father is here. I don't love my son's father anymore and cannot *wait* to get out of here and move on with my life, but I will not deny my child his father. He has a right to have a relationship with his father, whether good, or bad. If his father were abusive, I would have been back in my home state LOOOONG ago. But he is a good father to him. A good provider. And generally, not a bad person. He's just been quite a terrible husband and someone I married when I was 21 and had no clue what I was getting myself into. I'm 37 now. It's time to start a real love story. And one that I hope has kisses for me every day.
I have had two long-distance relationships these past two years. I saw them as pleasant distractions to get me through a rough patch here but I never started them without the hope of them turning into more. I think the reason that I keep falling into long-distance relationships is that I'm home a lot, I'm a writer and online social networking seems to be easier for me. At least, it has been while I've still been technically married - see my recent post about getting a divorce, which hasn't happened yet because of the lack of job on my part, even though I'm trying like hell, but I digress...
The beauty of a LDR is that most communication happens by some sort of written form. I am a lover of words. I admire a man that writes and writes well. I admire intelligence and deep thought and someone I can learn from. I tend to find these friendships inadvertently through some sort of mutual interest group such as an atheist/science group. And I get a bit hooked on the attention. And then the thought that maybe I have met someone that I can see myself with long term. I have a long list of hopes/wishes in my next partner that is going to make life sooooo much more happy and fun. So, I'm sometimes anxious to start my new life and see what it's like to do things like go out "as a couple" with someone. Someone who will have a beer with me, someone my friends like, someone who gets it - as opposed to the misery I've had of being with someone who sits in the car and won't introduce himself and thinks social events are "stupid." I've been with a total jerk for so long that I am eager to know what life as an adult is like with someone who is not a jerk. So, I make a best friend, and then I fall in love with my best friend. But, sadly, when things are defined as friends first, or friends only, it doesn't matter how much romance enters the equation, I seem to be the only one that wants to make it more than friends. And this has become a painful experience for me. Now, twice painful.
I can't go through this LDR "friendship love" stuff anymore. I want a best friend, but one that's in town.
My only local social outlet is a classical music one. And those people are just as holed up in their lives as I am. Just as shy and introverted as I am. I love to socialize and will make the effort to come out of my shell and make conversation but I am initially very shy. I *do* exercise traits of being an extrovert because I've learned how to do that but it does not come naturally, it's just easier now. Unfortunately, I'm in no way comfortable walking into a bar by myself and striking up a conversation with a stranger. Though I did recently and I didn't even have the nerve to sit next to men that I found attractive. I sat between a bromance and a lesbian. The lesbian struck up a conversation with me. Nice girl. I felt bad that I had to break it to her that I wasn't gay. Maybe I sent mixed signals by sitting next to her. Nonetheless, the whole experience was very awkward and I haven't done it again.
I don't know how I'm going to meet someone HERE. But, I've gotta keep braving it. Networking, going out, meeting people. But it HAS to be local. It would be great if I could find another EP best friend who happens to live nearby. We'll see.
Am I completely opposed to another LDR? Well, maybe not, if it's within driving distance, and I'm met halfway somehow with making it work. But I am leary now.
I'm just out of another LDR. He wants our "friendship" to continue but he also wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can't bear it. He's going to spend the weekend of July 4th being with a girl that apparently doesn't mean nearly as much to him as I mean to him. After he has told me that I'm the center of his universe and he loves me and wants to keep being with me. But he's still gonna do it with this girl. It has taken me a few weeks to digest the hurt over it. I've tried to accept it but I can't. I've had to kill feelings that I don't want to kill because the only way I can accept t him fulfilling a promised dalliance with her is to not care about him anymore. He won't budge on this. Sadly, I'm kinda done with this. He'll have to pull a rabbit out of a hat to prove to me that I'm the one that he wants to be with. But I'm not chasing and investing anymore. I need to have more respect for myself. If I was all that and a bag of chips to him, he would make it clear.
It's also a bit of a struggle for me, having endured so many lies and distrust in my marriage, to easily trust someone in an LDR. Just by the very nature that we are not together makes it impossible to know why he's "busy." Does he really have a lot of work to do or is he blowing me off for someone he doesn't want to tell me about? There is no way to know. And just by the very nature of me being suspicious can hurt his feelings for me. I'm supposed to just blindly trust. I'm supposed to not read into any behavior that is strange (such as a disappearing act after weeks of daily texting). It doesn't seem to matter that I've been lied to so much that I don't know what end is up or down. However, if we were together, in person, I would easily be able to see what he's doing and how he goes about his day. I would be present to witness his actions, not just his words. And there would be no question, by the way he looks at me, touches me, spends time with me, etc. - that I'm his girl.
In the end, an LDR needs to bridge the gap permanently in order to continue and have any sort of future. I can't move to a new location. Though I wish I could make that leap, my son's father is here. I don't love my son's father anymore and cannot *wait* to get out of here and move on with my life, but I will not deny my child his father. He has a right to have a relationship with his father, whether good, or bad. If his father were abusive, I would have been back in my home state LOOOONG ago. But he is a good father to him. A good provider. And generally, not a bad person. He's just been quite a terrible husband and someone I married when I was 21 and had no clue what I was getting myself into. I'm 37 now. It's time to start a real love story. And one that I hope has kisses for me every day.
By:
lisa36
Age:
36-40
,
Female
