Been There Done That! - My Recent Breakup

My Recent Breakup
I haven’t don’t much talking about this since the end or lately for so many different reasons. Before it was good, now I wonder if maybe I should let it out. I don’t like to sound bitter, and I don’t want to be angry even though sometimes it is unavoidable.

I met a guy on ep in 2011 and we connected. It was all online interaction, but I just felt so close to him. So much about him was just not what I had experienced in other men, or so I thought.
We started officially dating january 2012. I hated that we hadn’t met because he lived in a far away country- and even at that point being in a online relationship was not at all appealing to me but I felt so much love for him that I just gave in.

We eventually decided he would come live with me for 2 months and he did in September. He arrived at the beginning of the month and I quit my job and we lived together and travelled a bit together. We planned that for a while.

Obviously meeting him for the first time, it changed the dynamic and ultimately how I perceived him. Now so much has changed it makes me feel bad but also good in a way.
I just realize it was another man that I just gave myself to without really knowing what i’m doing. I should be focusing on myself, is what i’ve learned yet again the most.

Its overwhelming to describe all the things that were and are wrong. Things I don’t blame him for, and a lot I do. We are two different people and that much time was not good. There were things he would do that bothered me- I did start to resent him in a way. I don’t necessarily blame him for that, though of course I still felt the way I did.

I just eventually hated being stuck at home, watching tv, feeling like this is not how I wanna live my life. I’d wake up, make us food, always making us food and we’d just watch random shows.
I started to realize, he doesn’t have a focus. He doesn’t have goals, or a reason to live. I like to be creative, i’m always focusing on something new, on the next step to become what I want to be.

I started to consider that, on top of loads of other issues. He claimed that sex wasn’t important but would also claim that he needed to be intimate because it was a “Comfort” thing.
I’m a pretty sexual person- much more sexual depending on how sexual my partner is. You can take it to any level and I will match it- that excites me about people.

He wasn’t very sexual or had little experience in that way so for me it was hard to be overly sexual myself, though he expected it. He was dissapointed he didn’t get that side to me.
The thing is, this guy appealed to a very emotional me, and for so long. Acting as though he really cared when I realized now he only did it so he could control me through his supposed compassion.

I say that because now since we broke up I have been inundated with so much emails just going off about how he was there for me for so long and i’m a terrible heartless person because I am not there for him now, and apparently ever have been.

Which is not something i’m about to fight- I listened to him as much as he did me for the last year and a half. I know many things about him and I wouldn’t know those things if I wasn’t listening while he was talking.

It has hurt a bit though, but the anger has been even stronger. I am not sure he expected that from me- or maybe he did but he did not expect me to control my anger in the way I have.
After he left, I was happy he was gone and to have my own space I did feel a bit relieved. I was relieved but also sad- I loved him, in my mind i’d decided we were going to get married and make things work no matter what.

I was just upset and needed my time to deal with that. About two weeks after he left I finally decided to mention to him some things I was bothered by. He immediately was very defensive and the rest is history.

When I talked about how I felt about the sex, his reaction was to be extremely offended. He completely turned everything around on me and took it as his opportunity to get mad at me- I have so much bullshit messages being like, “I am hurt because you still had sex with me even though you didn’t want to.” referring to how I was sleeping with him in the end even though I didn’t want to.

Cuz while he was here, sex was an issue if I didn’t have sex with him. He would get so sad, act like we needed to talk. To me it was like **** dude I was just tired. So I was sleeping with him just to keep him happy.

He would say, well I just wanted to make the most of the time while I was there, and he brought up how before his arrival we had many sexual conversations of things that weren’t happening.
Just so much bullshit really- cuz I will never let a man convince me ever that I have an obligation to be sexual with him or that he is owned anything that involves my body if I don’t want that. Life does not work like that- my body is my body. If I tell you I want to have sex and then I don’t want to, you hafta deal because its my body, my decision.

Anyway, after he left, I said something again and from that point on he lost it on me. So I just said, maybe we need a break. Even more losing it on me, and its been non stop since.

I have received message after message berating me, insulting me, deliberately trying to hurt me. He has gone off about how hurt his family is, his sister has messaged me demanding an explanation for how I could hurt her brother. Calling me heartless, etc.

Not just that, he has insulted my family. Told me that I am heartless, that he feels bad for my niece because I am not that involved in her life, just so much crap. What makes it the worse is that he has taken things he knows that are important to me, and he has used my words against me.
Like mentioning my niece, he wouldn’t have said that if he didn’t know that she is like my world and that I love her like my own child. Its just been very childish and immature stuff.

Instead of reacting, i’ve tried hard to just keep my distance. I rarely respond to his messages, though sometimes I do and even then I try to be as civil as possible. I am just shocked though! Shocked that I met someone so stuck in their own head and own world.

He goes off because he was bullied in school, he quit school when he was like 12 or 13. He is 25 now. I was so sympathetic before, and now its like wow dude get over it everyone has been bullied, everyone has a ****** life. He use to argue with me that people are simple, and he would claim he is more complex than most people.

I can see especially now the complete opposite, though I have always understood that people are not simple. In his last message he wrote me, he went off about how he thinks i’m a narcissist.
He says that he has been looking it up, and that other people have told him about it and it totally describes me. Supposedly he is telling me this so I can help myself.

That he is talking about me to so many people just makes me want to remove him completely from my life, because its wayyyy to much drama.

I admin a self harm page on fb, and I asked a question on there, if you could change anything in the world what would it be. My sis, knowing that I recently had a bad self harming incident where I had to go to the hospital, she wrote that she wishes for her sisters to be happy.

I have him blocked on fb but he has that page on there so he posted he wishes the best for me and my family. Then some women he has been talking to about me posted, she wishes for him to be happy and to stop having nightmares.

Before I even get a chance to see anything, he has sent me an email saying he asked her to remove that comment cuz he didn’t want me to get jealous. He also claimed later on that he felt that I was posting stuff on there directed at him.

Its just like wow- and in my response I didn’t tell him how I really feel, I just gave a response that was as nice as I could be asking him to just leave me alone.

It hurts now that I could be so deceived I suppose, though at the same time I’m ready to move on. He was just not who I thought he was and it was another lesson learned and relationship experienced. Many good things came out of that relationship and for that I do not regret.

I am still angry though, still upset at what he has said, that I have had to deal with other people making our relationship their issue. I think he is much different that what he always said, just so so dumb.

I’m glad that I have all the messages to remind me of what kind of person i’m dealing with, because when someone is hurt its important to take note of how they react.

He reacted in the worst way and I won’t ever be going there again, nor will I ever be in a long distance relationship again where we have not met and live in separate countries. Not worth it!
I also feel like, if we had just had the opportunity to meet, even talked on the phone more often, I might have realized what kind of a person he is before I committed to living with him for two months.
ForgetHate ForgetHate
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

Sorry to hear it went that way. Just ignore him, block him from your life as much as you can, and eventually he will go away and let you move on.

The good thing is, that now you know he is far from being "the one for you". Don't let him unbalance your life anymore.
I will say that, all this could sound very painful now, within time you will see that things always happen for a reason, and is on us to see and find out what for.
I am sure, in your next relationship, you will be sure to bring things up front before you even start something with that person.
If you have decided. he is not the one..... close that chapter and move on. Stay away from him, from his emails, and crap.

thank you :) That is what I have been doing, just staying away. I know its best for both of us! Its hard to think about how I deceived myself even about him. So much stuff would have red flagged if I hadn't been so lovesick that makes me feel the worst I think