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No Love In My Life!

Well, to begin with i am not saying that maybe there isn't any chances for people along the road but for me....?....i don't think its possible anymore, though i wish someday, someone, somehow would surprise me once again.....

Ok, i am a 28 yr old divorced mother of a beautiful 4 yr old son. I married at a young age of 21 and to be honest maybe i wasn't actually ready (but the sex was good), so i married my sons father, from the very begining the relationship was not really ""stable"", my whay of thinking and his was always on the contrary and that wasn't good, after 2yrs of ons- offs i realize it wasn't for me and decided to move back to my parents place......But.......i found out i was pregnant, yup almost 3yrs into a not so good marriage and knw that i want to leave, a baby is comin?...well, i tried to cope, we tried to have things work but...........then he cheated (he says he didn't slepp with her ntil he left the house but......what da hell, he had lied about the friendship) that friendship got him kicked out the the house. At that time my son was only 10mths old, and thats when all this trauma begins.

After almost 2yrs of spliting up with my ex husband, that at the present time its been 4 yrs almost 5 in april. I met a guy, a guy that was a frind of a friend from college (after i broke up i went back to school) and at first i wasn't really in to the dating and meeting anybody, but this man insisted: he found out my num., he called, he met my son (i hate that part), i met his, i met his mom and family, he spent time with me and my friends, everthing was nice, very nice. At this moment i asked myself: well, what do u knw , amaybe this is the man of your life?""......jejejeje.... so i began to "date him", he was always so polite, NEVER did he come on to me or presure anything to happen and that made me feel comfortable, lil by little that mad me start lliking him...If u knw what i mean?

This went on for 3- 4 mths, my sons father was goin crazy, he didn't want me dating this person, he said he was no good, but the guy didn't show me any negative vibe............................until one day (believe me at this point 4 mths getting to knw someone, no sex in almost 2-3 yrs,,,**** i wanted this to happen.....me. him sex...etc. )we had a date this day, i remember it was a friday, he called and canceled, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, i felt something was wrong and begged him to speak up.......he said his ex, was coming back to (where we live) she was out of state. So i asked, if they were getting back together or WHAT??? he said ..."he had done her wrong and needed to make it up to her"""..............................................................so YES he was going back with her....and ME????? well , flushed away.....at this moment i did not think, i had fell for him, i wanted him (in any way u can possibly think :), so i insisted to stay...at his place and what hadn't happen in 4 mounths happened that night...! BAD< BAD idea,...because i still can't get over him........ That happened that night, he kinda of changed with me, but we kept on seeing each other, no longer in public, but we had our lil, sesions from time to time.....this was in july, his ex came back in august, last august 5th 2008 and they married august 11th 2008.....CAN U BELIEVE THIS????? MARRIED!!"? well yes......he always said he owed it to her....yeah right......and on top of that i was so stupid and kept seeing him on and off, bein married, he was always the same with me in bed, cute, nice, loving, tender..etc he helped me out with $ is i needed it, BUT HE MARRIED this girl and i am no one in his life......at the moment i haven't seen him since past june, but we still talk ocasionally on the phone....

SO ...whats the problem??

I was/am stupid to still talk to him...but i can't get him of of my mind

thats problem #1, problem # 2 is that my sons father wants back...........and i can't! i don't love him anymore, i can be his friend, and we can talk but having a family again NO, i can't and won't trust him.........

Problem # 3..... I trully feel lonely, used, betrayed, and a hell of more feelings, i don't really like to think about it, but it hurts that i am a strong, independent mom, student, employee, woman and i can not find someone that really deserves me.....i feel that i have bent so much that my *** is showing and i'm tired already.......right now i live for my son, college and my self and i always have but deep inside when my son is with his father and i am all alone at home, it hurts to feel lonely. i'm turning 30 in a couple years and that hurts even more.....but thats my story........andthat whay i do not believe in love and i don't think i ever will.   I married a man, that did me wrong....i trusted another who i thought the one and at the end niether one is worth ****! so, thats my life, thanks for reading, i feel better i let it all out :)

melonely melonely 26-30, F 1 Response Oct 10, 2009

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I'm sorry to hear your story. Your ex actually had good judgment about your BF. It sounds like your ex really loves you. But it sounds like that chapter is closed for you. Have you ever had counseling with your ex about what happened? Since he's your son's dad and it sounds like he loves you .., anyway it's your choice to decide if he's worth working things out with. The outcome will be unknown until things have been talked through and you feel good about it. There are good books out there which I would like to recommend to you. They've helped me understand where the bad judgement comes from. They're written by Pat Allen. You can probably get them at the library. Don't let the titles hold you back. They can save you years of suffering. Wishing you all the best.