Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Little Boy Aside...

I'm done with it. Really.  I don't want to hear those words again...they blind me to the truth somehow.  

I have an attachment disorder that makes judging people's intentions difficult enough, but those stupid words get me every time.  I've never known real love, not from anyone aside from my little boy (who generally has a hard time expressing it, due to his autism).  Anyone who has ever told me they loved me, did it while they were sharpening their kitchen knives in the background.  

Thanks to being tossed away like trash by everyone who's ever said those words, I've also developed a real fear of people leaving me behind.  My last love used to drive me crazy, telling me in placid tones that although he may leave, he ALWAYS came back...right?  right Grainne?  **** that.  Wrong.  Well, he came back to mess with me some more, that's certainly true on many, many levels.  

I would rather be told, five thousand times a day, that you hate me.  I think that's what I'll shoot for from now on.  It hurts so much less.  I'm sick of this bullshit.  
Whym Whym 36-40, F 7 Responses Jun 27, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

You have got to LOVE BABY. Don't give up. I know exactly how you feel SweetHeart, I really do. Sending HUGS & KISSES, Full of LOVE to You & COLE

You mean ya can't even love ol' Snagglepuss here?... ;)<br />
<br />
xo

xx

We're in this together you and I.

I really like, and agree totally with what Quintese said.

She has the soul of someone who has lived many, many times beyond her years. I agree with her too. xx

The problem with being told that you are loved is that when you open yourself up to the possibility that someone could feel that for you, it is at once terrifying and thrilling, and if the person is really good at it, they may even persuade you that you are the love of their life, you are the one they have been searching for, you are the fulfillment of all that they desire. And you will feel joy, and you will let down your guard, and if you are really lucky one day you will realize that you believe them, and it is amazing, that feeling.<br />
So when they change their mind for whatever reason you are suddenly left feeling like a deflated balloon. I know that feeling. It is very hard to overcome.<br />
But while I do not want to sound didactic, I probably will come across that way.<br />
I believe that the purpose of this life is to live and grow and evolve through the exchange of love. That is, I believe that is the point of this life--the pursuit of love and the sharing of love. One day, if you can somehow drag yourself up, I believe someone will come along and inflate that balloon again. Trust does not come easily after what you have been through, but to give up entirely means that you are giving up on life. I go on because I will risk that pain on the off chance that I can have that feeling again someday. It is that amazing.<br />
I wish it for both of us, and I will drag you along with me if I have to because you are a special and wonderful loving person and it will happen. I know it. And when it does, try to let yourself believe, try to find that hope within you and let it carry you because the alternative--giving up--is no way to live.

You are such a smart, beautiful friend Quinn. I know you're right in what you say. It just hurts so much...and I know you know exactly how this feels. Thank you for this, and for everything you do for me. &lt;3 (this is what love is really about, isn't it?)

xx

That is such a sad story, not least because you are so deserving of love. You are one of the sweetest, kindest, loyalest people I know. <br />
<br />
You are right, though, in wanting to look beyond "those words", which are often so lightly tossed about. They may, or may not, reflect reality. Someone who professes love but whose actions never match the words, is unlikely to be telling you the truth, however much you wish otherwise.<br />
<br />
Hugs xxxx

Thanks. You know, you're the one I've known the longest around here and you've never, ever hurt me. Not even accidentally. Thanks for being my friend. xx

Very true words here.x

Agreed Jenni. xo

Although no one can know your situation, I think most have been in similar circumstances. While people here have come to expect some pithy quote to fit the occasion, I will just offer an ear or a shoulder; two of each - no waiting.

Thank you. That means a lot to me.