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So You Never Really Loved Me? What Else Is New?

Really? Really....he tells me that two years were just a lie, all bullshit.  All told for whatever the reasons.  He says these things around telling me never to contact him again.  No one has ever broken my heart like this one did.  He has the gall to ask if I've found myself another.  The answer is no.  I've found myself people who hang on in the hopes of getting something from me, but no one else to love.  

I lesson I learned here was to beware of those who say exactly the right things at exactly the right times.  Soul mates do not exist.  Love does though...it exists in many forms but none of them make sense to me.  

It was a cruel trick, feeding on my weakness the way he did.  I tried so hard to hang onto an illusion and even felt guilty for wanting to keep it as he tried to rip it from my hands.  He'd say I perpetuate these things, and maybe I do.  I seek the worst in people and then feel ... well, miserable when they fail me.  I suppose I like the lost, hopeless feeling being left affords me....or whatever.  **** it.  I'll just go with what he said.  He saw through my 'bullshit' (aka love, I thought) but I didn't see through enough of his.  My bad I guess.  

I'm so not fond of life right now.  
Whym Whym 36-40, F 5 Responses Jul 3, 2012

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I really hate that you had to go through this. Just sayin'

Soul mates don't exist is some ways... the only it exists is if both of you act like it does. :)

I'm sorry to hear Whym :( . Don't give up on love. It doesn't make the world go 'round, but it does make the ride worthwhile. I hope you are feeling better soon ...

I was wooed by who I thought was a terrific guy, in 05. He adored me (so he said) and together we embarked upon a healing journey tog, since we were both sorta 'broken' when we met. 3 months in, he asked me to live with him. I agreed, and we found a lovely little home. He often talked about us moving North together, growing old. This was the first time I let myself believe in love-with-a-future, let myself imagine said future with a man, like, REALLY dive in. I was SO in love!!! Finally felt safe and stable, with a home and a good man.



7 months later, we were over (his call). Over-ish. He ended up still seeking me out, also still saying things like, "We were made for each other." Yes, this was POST break-up. Eventually, and NOT b/c I was out-of-love, I ended it b/c he was being inconsistent (ouch!), and getting involved in dramas I wanted no part of. 1-2 weeks later he hooked up with *2* friends I introduced him to. 4 years after that, he married one of them.



One of the things he said well after was, "I wanted the chase, to see how far I could take it with you. Then I got bored." some crap along those lines. He also thanked me for 'healing' him, so that he could move on from past family abuse, and love someone else.



Now I feel what you say here, "(the) lesson I learned here was to beware of those who say exactly the right things at exactly the right times....Love.... exists in many forms but none of them make sense to me. "



As far as the 'soul mates' part goes, I do believe that some people are 'meant' to meet, somehow, and I have experienced that magic (platonic). However, I do not feel that it's something to seek out, indeed I think that it's DANGEROUS to get caught up in thoughts of destiny/fate. We are certainly crushed worse when we are betrayed by someone whom we think is a 'soul mate'. We must take people as they come, as they are; thoughts of destiny and such put too much pressure on us to be something besides who we really are.



I'm sorry you went through this, Whym. I hope we can both heal up and let good love in when it's truly in our best interest.

Thank you for this. If you're having a run through my profile you'll see quite a few of these posts that resulted in the aftermath of many reconciliation attempts. Stupidly, one such attempt has just recently failed again. He loved me unreasonably for about three days then vanished the fourth, showed up on the fifth tearing strips off me as fast as he could get the words out of his mouth. Funny though, this time I didn't cry and ache or want to lie down and give up like all the other times....I just kind of shrugged and walked away. I'm not even sure that he noticed and honestly...? Who cares.

Sorry to hear you went through this. My only saving grace in this mess I was in was that I was wary enough not to actually go live with the guy. I have an autistic little boy to think of and that nutjob would have not exactly made the best father figure. Once, he stole my kids name to write a smutty story he posted...total class act, this one was. *sigh* Lessons. Must learn em somehow eh?

For ***** sake, 2 hours after I wrote this, said ex messaged me. Wants to talk. Been thinking about me and listening to mix CDs I made for him (full of love songs, btw). I told him I'm too busy now, not in the head space; we can talk when I'm up for it. I thought this might be in a few days, but... judging how my heart is reacting, and the fact that I suprised myself by balling my eyes out, heaving sobs for an hour this morning, I think perhaps talking to him is not such a good idea. He specifically mentioned talking about how he treated me. WTF. So, I've been thinking about how he treated me, and said sobbing is what came of it.

I'm tempted to call, as I'm curious, I am. But .... he STILL effects me, and what was once healing waters are now poison. He became toxic to me. That might change, given the chance, but I'm torn, and leaning towards declining his request. He's still married, as far as I know. Was for sure as of weeks ago. I heard that he's been drinking and his wife's been going to alanon. Alcoholism is something I need to absolutely not have in my life, too much chaos.

Everything points to not having this conversation with him. I'm going to sit with it for a couple more days, see where I'm at.

Ahhh! I was already awash with stress, now this?! :( Didn't think I was still so emotional, it's been 6 years since we broke up. 3 years since he's contacted me directly at all. *sad*

Aw crap honey. :( Mine sent me a lovely message letting me know what a failure I am so I'm on the opposite end of this from you. I'm sorry he just did that to you...sometimes closed doors should just stay closed. You know?

As a man celebrating 25 years of marriage this month - mostly happy years, except for the times I almost f***** it up by losing it (I have more Irish in me than you) - I'd like to be able to give you a male perspective on his behaviour, but I'm not sure what to say. When I read stories like this, I try to imagine myself "planning" being nasty, but I can't. Was it really a lie from the start, or did it develop into one. Sometimes I say things on the spur of the moment and convince myself I've always thought like that - especially if it makes it easier to deal with the immediate situation. It's not deliberate, probably an inbuilt safety valve. Is that something only men do? I honestly don't know, but probably more so than women.



I think, but am not sure, that women handle it completely different. You talk with each other and, like Honey26's comment above, you support each other, show love for each other, and tell each other what a b****** he is. You channel your anger in a direction that asks for understanding, sympathy, empathy, and you don't deliberatly try to hurt the other person.



Men on the other hand - not all, but too many of us - will do whatever it takes to end what they don't want or don't like, often without regard for what they do to others. It's still no excuse, I know, and I'd like to understand it myself. Maybe I'm being naive, mabe some people willfully enter a relationship for purely egoistic reasons, ready to jump ship at the first sign of a problem.



I think soulmates do exist, but us men need to become aware of what that is, above all, what it takes to "stay" soulmates. Communication on an emotional level is to some degree a problem for just about every male I know. We're capable of it, but it's not "normal" for us. When a relationship is new, we don't need much coaxing, we want to get to know you, so we stay in touch - meaning we're physically and mentally present when we're with you. Once we "think" we know you, once routine sets in, we don't need the communication thing anymore - that's when it starts to fall apart. Even when we're there, we're somewhere else!



Unfortunately, I think women are the only ones realy capable of keeping a relationship going, but often it needs to look like it's the man - his ego needs it. I know, it's crap, it's incredibly immature, but it's us!



My wife reckons that if I wasn't such an old fart I'd make someone a great husband, now that she has educated me! If I'm honest with myself, she made our relationship work. I went along with her plan. Hasn't always been easy, but she regularly demands that I leave Fantasy Land for the land of the living so she can talk with me.



I recently read a joke "Guide to Barbecuing - A Purely Male Domain" and I think it says a lot about how the world really ticks:



1. Female goes shopping, buys meat and other things to be bbq'ed (1 hour)

2. Female buys charcoal, etc for grill (20 minutes)

3. VERY IMPORTANT MALE TASKS: SET UP GRILL, PUT IN CHARCOAL, LIGHT FIRE (long time)

4. Female prepares meat, sauces, salad dishes, etc. (1.5 hours)

5. VERY IMPORTANT: MALE DISCUSSES BBQ-TACTICS WITH NEIGHBOUR (very long time)

6. Female brings beer to male

7. Female starts to clean up stuff used to make salads and other dishes (half hour)

8. Charcoal has right temperature - thanks to male!

9. VERY IMPORTANT: MALE PUTS MEAT ON GRILL (0.5 minutes)

6. Female sets table, gets drinks for kids and everyone else, etc. (15 minutes)

10. VERY IMPORTANT: MALE TAKES MEAT OFF GRILL AND PUTS ON PLATE



... it goes on.



As can clearly be seen, BBQing is a predominantly male task. Relationships are like that! YOU need to gently work at them, because we haven't a clue. Even to me that sounds like a cheap excuse, but I don't know where you find a truely mature male capable and willing to drive a relationship. I'm on the wrong side of 50 and I've never met one. Best case, you'll find one willing to let you drive! You'll find lots of bullshitters who are extremely mature and in control - like the BBQ, for about 5 minutes.



It's not an excude, I swear, but I don't know how the hell you change us, and I don't think we want to be changed!



I hope you find the guy who's right for you. Despite what I've said, and despite your experiences, there are enough of us who can be house-trained. But shhh, don't tell any of the men you know - and stay away from them Scottish cows!

If I could give you a 'comment award' I'd do it in a flash. Thank you, so much, for the time and kindness spend on sharing this moment with me.

I really do appreciate your points and they do sound well learned. Sadly, the relationship I had with the one I'm venting about in the post was a bit of a mess, himself, and had very poorly honed relationship skills. Things got botched up beyond belief...maybe something I'll share with you via PM rather than here...there's a lot of privacy I don't want to breech (his included).

Your take on relationship is a sound one, I think (that and you have a very good wife!). Congratulations on finding such happiness to both of you. Hard work does turn out for the best many times in life, I know, and it sounds like you both put everything you had into it. And, so you know, I have printed off your comment so I can share the BBQ bit with another ex of mine. He will find it as amusing as I did...thanks so much for the giggle. (PM on it's way).