The worst experience in my life was my parent's divorce. Don't get me wrong, they needed to get divorce, but the divorce itself was this four year process of backstabbing and constant crying. Imagine being 11 years old and the only adult in a triangle relationship where the two people you love the most hurt each other horribly.
Flash forward to 35 years old and I find myself going to counseling because upon accepting a recent marriage proposal from my boyfriend, I find myself with panic attacks. It wasn't until many sessions that I finally had to admit to myself that I just can't make the commitment of a lifetime.
I try to be a true to my promises to people as possible and the simple truth is I can't make a promise of this magnitude and keep it. It's many years of my life in a life where I have always changed my mind, lived so many different paths, done whatever the winds pushed me towards. If I was to get married, then I know myself well enough that I would regret it every time we reached an impass or fight. I would begin to feel trapped and I would resent him for it.
The only problem is that my boyfriend came from a family who is still married. He wants it like he needs his breath and I don't know how to approach him on my decision. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do - break someone's heart and possibly end a relationship because I simply know marriage is not for me. I pray I can build up the courage soon to be honest and I pray I can handle the fallout without guilt or self-hatred for who I am and what I know will make me happy in life.
God help me.