I Used to Believe In Unconditional Love...

There was a time that I believed in unconditional love, but I truly don't anymore.

I am in a situation where I am totally in love with my wife, but she has a serious problem with negativity. It's to the point where I am literally at the end of my rope with this relationship.

She has steadily gotten worse over the years and now has gotten to the point where she has turned everything so negative that she is now saying that she doesn't believe that I love her. You'll have to trust me that I do love her and show her that EVERY day. She has always said that she knows how much I love her, but now she says that it isn't love, that it's obligation I feel. WTF?!?!?!

I have stood by her every step of the way and continue to do so, but I just can't take this anymore. I do love her and even if I leave, I will still love her. She's making me crazy. When I tell her that I've had enough of the negativity and the self-sabotage and the double-speak, she turns the other way and tells me that she wants to work on things. It's nuts.
SpringForward2k8 SpringForward2k8
41-45, M
5 Responses Jun 30, 2007

Wow, I wish I could find someone like you. I am sorry. She is luck to have you. I wish you only happiness in your future. You sound like you really deserve it.

I hear what you're saying. I suppose the problem was that I wasn't aware of it possibly being a mental and/or physical thing. That's been a recent revelation. I am focused on her, believe me. We're getting help for her right now.

I think you're going about it the wrong way. Love is not the tool that heals people, but it is the energy behind the tools that bring about healing. Love alone will not cure a physical illness, so why do you expect that it will cure an emotional (or possibly mental) illness? It sounds like your wife's issues have little to do with being able to see tha you here - I suspect that only once her deeper issues have been resolved THEN and only then will she be able to see your love. But it will be the final thing she realises, not the first. By focusing on LOVE and not on *her* you are being selfish - she needs your help, but not to see that you love her. It's something deeper than that. I suspect it may be related to fear of death, and deeply ingrained fear of loss. If you love her, look deeper, I say.

Dodo, Yeah, it's certainly fear. I have always held out hope that my love for her could snap her out of it and realize that I do love her and that she deserves to be loved.<br />
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She has said that she doesn't believe that I love her and that it's "only a matter of time" (she said that when we first got together).<br />
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Ah well. I'm doing my best, but I have a feeling that I'm in for a long, long haul with this lady. It's actually a bummer for me that I love her so much. It'd be easier to just give up. *sigh*

It's one of those things that you wish someone would tell you *before* you find it out the hard way really - that love and relationships are quite different things and not at all connected in the way that one is lead to believe. Do you think there are any ways around the current situation? Perhaps adjusting your current ways of communicating with her might help, as per any of the hundreds of (often helpful) male-female communication books? If she is becoming increasingly negative, it does make me wonder what is behind that, because there's *always* somethiing deeper. Usually the answer is fear, and it's something buried deep. Maybe your love for her can help her to find a way to heal that, or find new courage?