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Marriage Isn't For Everyone

I have been on both sides of the fence on this issue.  I was married for 16 years in a less than satisfying relationship, and now I have been single for 12 years.  Having experienced both sides, I vote for the single life.  Not that I am adamantly opposed to marriage, however I am adamantly opposed to unfulfilling relationships. 

 

I believe life is too short to waste years stuck in the dogma of doing what is right.  Screw that.  Do what fulfills you, because in the end, on your death bed, there is no comfort in knowing you sacrificed your heartt's desires to be with somone you do not love, but believe you must be devoted to.

Vignette Vignette 51-55, F 39 Responses Mar 17, 2010

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totally agree ,,, married 30yrs before i saw the light 15 happy 15 unfullfilled yrs

agreed!

Vignette,
Its so refreshening to go through this post (though You wrote it long ago) n especially the comments below.
Not to forget 'uc's story ... definitely makes sense.
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Also, am Not sure of the TV remote :):):) ... but ... yes, life's remote remains restored when one gracefully leaves the marriage devoid of Mutual Respect, Love and Honor.

Wishing You n Yours Joy & Peace.
__/|__

Well what you say is true, You should also read about my story on marriage " We put love in a cage and call that marriage"We all should patern a new way for love to prevail.I would like your comments

Thank you for reading and commenting. I will read your story this weekend and give you my comments. I like your quote, it is so true in many cases!

thank you dear

well written totally agree ,,, its just unfortunate we learn this so late in life

Marriage is not for everyone. Love exists in a vacuum. Many people find reason to fill those void. They sometimes feel insecure without stability or purpose in filling those gaps in life. Prior to getting marry, I never realized that how love can eat you up. "If she don't love you, then so be it." Now, love just eat you up like an interminable disease.

It is so funny that you say that, “marriage is not for everyone”. That exact statement my Mother told me a few years ago, as I watched most of my friends, family and neighborhood kids and even my younger sister get married and wondered (slightly) why not me. I am very much single (never married, no kids, no pets) and have lived on my own since I was 20 years old. I’ve had two long term relationships, but nothing of substance ever arose from them. I will admit I enjoy having the freedom to go and come as I please without consulting anyone along with spoiling myself with the little trinkets here and there. Since I was kid, I was never one of those girls who dreamt of their wedding day, I thought about becoming a woman of substance – where I would achieve much success in my career as well as travel the world (so far, so good). For years (since the age of 14) and even to this day I’ve had the attitude of ‘if it happens, it happens; if it does not that’s OK”. Am I wrong to think that way, maybe; am I setting my own demise, possibly; am I denouncing marriage all together, not particularly. Vignette, you are right in saying, “life is too short to waste years stuck in the dogma of doing what is right….” for if you are not happy overall but and everyone else around you is, because you put yourself last to ensure their happiness and negate your own; I too believe one will have more resentment and wished they did more for themselves as they lie on their death bed, than having the feeling contentment and satisfaction for the “contribution” they provided to the world as well as to themselves. Make sure to surround yourself with ‘decent members’ of your family as well as good friends – that in itself, in my opinion, constitutes a fulfilled life.

hi<br />
this is nivika i m also divorcee but living alone is very difficult its my experience.comparmise patience love understanding makes every relation long lasting.nobady cant be perfect.v hv to ignore some bad qualities of our partner and surly one day he ill b gilt on his nature and try to b changed.

Hi Nivika, I agree with you, the good qualities you mentioned are important in a relationship. Also important, is to remember that we are all human, so we are not perfect and we have flaws. Yes, some things we may not like about our partners but as you say, nobody is perfect. But there are some traits that cannot be overlooked or accepted - like abuse or marital infidelity (unless you have an open marriage). I can understand how you find living alone again to be difficult. It was for me too. Try not to dwell on it too much. Instead, focus on making new friends and meeting new people. Find new things to do that interest you. The more you expose yourself to new experiences and people, the more chance you have of meeting someone who may become a new partner for you, if that is what you want. One other thing, Nivika, please, do not make the mistake that billions of women have made and keep making. A man does not change unless he wants to change. Observe what he is before you marry him, because he will be the same way after you are married. Do not expect him to change for you, or to feel guilty.

s u r right i m agree with u a man doesn't change unless he want.i need guidence like u.i m very thankful to u n EP.

I had both experiences too, first married, then divorced, then single and now happily engaged.. I feel I am not created to be alone, but being selective helps.. I remember the first advantage I found in being single is not having to iron my husband's shirts ... lol.... then I felt the need to take care of somebody and not to be alone. I took more then one year to find a right person I am now with. I was not happy with my husband and now I am, and I am sure that in spite of all 5 years that we had lived together and I was trying to hide my deep insatisfaction, my life just had to get this way, otherwiase I would not be happy neither now..

That's wonderful that you're happily engaged! I love it when people find love again in their lives. Congratulations to you, and I wish you and your man a lifetime of love and bliss! For me, what I liked about being single is that I had the tv remote control to myself. No more sports games!! lol I don't miss the ironing at all, either!! ;-D

ahaha the tv remote control all for you )))) yeah, sport computer games, too much sport on tv on Sunday when I want to go out.... you are right.! thank you for your wishes! I am really happy now, I 'll tell you more, within 2-3 weeks we are going to become parents, and I think it is another sign from heaven that in 5 years that I was with my husband we never could have a baby and with my boyfriend we got pregnant after 1 year of being together.. 1 year is really the right time to understand what you want and what not...

Congratulations!! You are so blessed!! It's so nice to see happy people, and you have every reason to be glowing with joy! Such a wonderful adventure ahead of you, and what a loving family you already are! :-)

thank you very much!!!

1 More Response

@Mahal - My dear Ms. M - No! I did not mean to intimate that I was hiding a special someone in my life - lol. I meant a friend and I have discussed the subject many times and in the course of those discussions, I did find my steadfast opinion to be changing. That's all, really!<br />
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@Charlie - thank you for the well wishes - I'll keep them in mind when I find that special someone. ;-) I hope the same for you!

Hi Sie - Yes, I completely agree with you! Dead marriages are like prisons. Been there, done that. It is one of the reasons why I got divorced. I refused to spend another year shackled to misery.<br />
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I have seen people as you described - in love with love but not truly understanding what love is. I think they mistake lust and infatuation for love. But imho, love is the underlying structure that survives and continues to grow between two people when the lust and infatuation phases have simmered down.<br />
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Wow, that is something about those girls who got married just for the experience of the ceremony and all the bells and whistles! I'm blown away! I can't imagine ever doing something like that!<br />
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Yes, marriage is different for everyone. I think as long as they agree on what that is, then more power to them. :-)

Andrew - I agree with you, marriage has different meanings to different people. I think what really matters is that the two people getting married agree on what their marriage is to them. They are the two that should agree on the definition.<br />
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You are a content bachelor with a full life, and there's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't make you a hippy at all imho. :-)<br />
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I'm intrigued by your desc<x>ription of arranged marriages. Yes - you are right, I did indeed have the view of western media that such matches were loveless and sometimes cruel. That these arrangements were ba<x>sed on acquisition of social status, money, property, etc.<br />
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I did not know that families go to great lengths to match people ba<x>sed on their personalities. That certainly is a plus, as is the families' desire to ensure the couple's happiness by pairing people who are highly compatible in many areas. That casts a new light on the process. It sounds similar to match-making companies here in the US!<br />
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Oh my, I'm sorry you lost your special someone, Andrew. That's very sad. It sounds like she was your ideal mate. It may take some time to find another like that. Plus you're not interested in marriage right now, so you wouldn't be looking anyway. <br />
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I will tell you a secret (cups hands to Andrew's ears and whispers): Most men are not naturally monogamous. :-) It's not how they're wired. I'm not saying this in a bad way - just purely an observation over the decades.<br />
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Sure, I can see how in later years you may come to regret some decisions you made at the present time. But I figure, it's also as much a possibility that if you were married right now, in later years you might regret having gotten married. There really is no way of telling, imo, so best to enjoy your life without those kind of worries, and it sounds like you are doing just that! :-D

V, is there something you haven't told me? You've met someone that has opened your mind to the possibility of marriage? Honey, I'm expecting a PM from you very soon with an explanation. :)

Vignette,<br />
When a marriage works it's a beautiful thing but when it crumbles it can be a real nightmare. Dead marriages are like prisons for some. I think ALL folks going into a relationship need to invest real time and effort in getting to know the other person and then invest equal time and effort in being HONEST. <br />
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I think way too many people are in love with the idea of, being in love and they don't realize it takes work, understanding and a LOT of open communication to succeed. <br />
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I personally know a number of girls who got married JUST to have the ceremony, reception and honeymoon. One of those marriages didn't even last through the whole honeymoon. I also have friends who aren't married and are doing very well. Some folks want it and thrive and others just do not. <br />
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So many people all contributing many different variables and dynamics, as Andrew mentioned just a few. It's different for everyone.... <br />
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I really liked this post. As always, you handled it like a pro. :)

Vignette, hello! I love you for being so classy here despite some rude and judgemental comments.<br />
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I do agree with you that marriage is not for everybody. Certainly nobody should be thought to be a "hippy" simply because they (i) have no desire to be married and (ii) do not see anything wrong with another person's decision either way in this department.<br />
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That said, I do also feel that the institution of marriage has too many shades of meaning (depending on culture...) for me to be able to say whether I'm made for marriage, or not.<br />
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At 43, I am single by choice. I have no desire to be married. I am not lonely, I enjoy living alone, and I seem to be emotionally self-sufficient. <br />
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Does that make me a hippy? My family situation is such that I am blessed with a pretty full "family life" which is filled and ventilated and fertilized and illuminated with my Stunt Nephew (aged 5+) and his sister the Stunt Pixie (aged 2) and my 90-year-old grandfather.<br />
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I think I would be a very unsatisfactory life partner for a typical "Western" liberated spouse because my own emotional needs are so low. Until the age of about 26 or so I cooperated very happily in my family's very efforts to "matchmake me".<br />
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To this day I feel strongly that traditional arranged marriages have a good chance of succeeding. In the Western media, "arranged" marriages are portrayed as loveless unions which are more like corporate unions. In my personal experience, as long as "poverty" doesn't skew the family's choice of a mate, the families know what they are doing and they make a HUGE and sincere effort to match personalities. The families give high priority to... future happiness.<br />
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I think that I would be very happily married today if I had agreed to an arranged marriage. In my case, the process stopped because I found somebody on my own. It was virtually an arranged marriage; that person was almost EXACTLY what my family was looking for, anyway.<br />
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Unfortunately that person is now dead and I've just never felt the same desire to marry anyone despite keeping an open mind. One factor which my own family took into consideration when they were looking for matches for me is the fact that I am not naturally monogamous. I am very loyal and appreciative, and considerate too, but I am not naturally monogamous.<br />
<br />
:P<br />
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Right now, at 43, I can't say if marriage is or is not for me. I think that part of the key to being "whole" and sane as a single person is keeping the mind open to the scary possibility that one day I may find myself wishing for a family life which I am too old to start building. It sort of keeps you humble and "serious-minded" in your "bachelorhood"!<br />
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Love --<br />
<br />
Andrew

missjulie13 - Good for you sticking to your morals and standards. The rest of us will stick to ours.

Total crap! .... We need to look no further than the black community where over 70% of children are born outside marriage. Do we want the white community to look like the black comminity? or would it be beneficial if the black community looked more like the white community?<br />
What you are arguing for is the destruction of the family... You are sick

Excellent post, UC! I made a comment on your story.

Some years ago I wrote a story on this very same topic and I thought I´d share it with you :<br />
<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Want-You-To-Know-What-I-Think/186518" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a>

Thank you, UC. :-)

I totally agree with you. Well said.

Charlie, I absolutely agree with you. A piece of paper does not make a marriage. It takes a whole heck of a lot more than that. It takes a lot of work, commitment, sacrifice, dedication, love, trust, kindness, compassion... and the list goes on. In short, it's like a garden. It must be tended to or it will wither and die.<br />
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I had to look at the date that I wrote this story, which was over a year ago, because since that time I have met someone who over the course of several months has caused me to be more open to the idea of possibly marrying again in the future. I am not looking for it, but I will say that should I find that special someone, I think I would be more open to it than I was before.<br />
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That's so sad that you lost that special someone. It is painful when the wisdom of age reveals to us the mistakes of our past. I hope you have been fortunate in finding love again.<br />
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Thanks for reading and commenting.

Uriel1952 - That's quite a bummer, what happened to you! After a couple of experiences like that, I can understand why marriage is not at the top of your list. I hope you will find the love and companionship you desire, with or without marriage. :-)

Don't I get this! I've been married twice each time after I gave my heart away to these women I looked up one day and they were gone! The disgusting part is after everything they did, they tell me of their new boyfriends...."Oh he's so much like you!" Well if they were so much like me why did they need a pale imitation?<br />
No....I'll opt for love and companionship every time! Don't think I'll get married again,....and like you I don't have anything against it, but it hasn't exactly worked out for me. I never heard of you before today when you posted my dear friend Sierra in her hour of grief, but I like what you have to say already!<br />
Thanks and take care Uriel

Tayisha770, just curious - how would you test it? Are you currently married?

Hi guy! your idea seems true but I don't believe untill I will test it.

My dear Ms. M. - So nicely said! I couldn't agree with you more!!

By far, this is the hardest and most painful lesson I've had to learn my entire life. I believed in the sanctity of marriage and was killing myself to do everything in my power to keep my vows despite all of the negative emotional and physical tolls it was taking on me. I still beleive in marriage. I just don't know that it's that important for me to have it anymore. I may be just content with having a devoted, committed fullfilling relationship with someone.

I think for many, over time, the pain and disappointment of love gone awry hardens them. They become cynical, yes. But I think deep down, past that cynicism and fear of being hurt again, is still a desire to be loved. It is a human need that we cannot deny.<br />
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You're right - love can't dwell with suspicion. The latter kills the former.

I'd like to see that Saudi Arabian custom extended to women. What an efficient way to mark the end of a marriage.<br />
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I don't know anyone who hasn't mistaken lust for love at some point in their lives. I think it is a rite of passage of sorts. It is such a high, so all-consuming, so intense, that one cannot help but think it must be love. It can be a hard lesson though, with much pain. <br />
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I'm glad to hear you are back in the game, though! The quest for love is a worthy pursuit!! :-) Is there any better?