Wrong Side of the Looking Glass

I have stars for eyes, a wild mind, and a mute tongue.  My brain is diffuse, moving freely between worlds of the conscious and unconscious, of us and gods.  What I say doesn't always make sense and I have begun to feel small in the world, like I don't really belong here.  I began a slow descent into a kind a madness where I am losing the ability to speak.  Speaking is kinda key to not coming off like a freak.  Desperately I try to put the pieces (words) in order to belong and be understood.  But often I come away feeling not heard, and not belonging.  I probably imagine the whole thing.  This not belonging goes even deep than this--to the core of me;  I feel I do not have a place here.  Alice on the other side of the looking glass.

gatekeeper gatekeeper
10 Responses Apr 13, 2008

You ok ?????

Gatekeeper.......you my dear, I feel.......Gatekeeper, I think you are a genious. Beyond genious. Truly. <br />
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IamIam, thatnks for the book info! Will check it out.

You two may be interested in this EP member who has published a book. I pasted in one of his stories...<br />
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"I realized at age 6 that I was meant to be a writer. I got a Masters in Creative Writing and entered the world of Advertising and Corporate Communications where I've labored, slinging ink, for 25 years. But something happened along the way. At the end of my 3rd major Manic episode, I took on the impossible challenge of writing a memoir that would vividly put readers inside the experience while also giving them a thoughtful context for understanding it. That was 17 years ago. At last it is available on Amazon, Invisible Driving by Alistair McHarg. For a peek at 4 sample chapters visit my website, www.invisibledriving.com. I'm not saying it's undoubtedly the best book of its kind, but I wouldn't stop you if you did. "

Frooty, for all the ways you feel on the outside, your words strike me to the core. I feel like you understand something that I thought no one could ever understand--not to say our experience is identical. <br />
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I think it is hilarious you would try to attribute your "visions" with too much TV. lol! I attribute mine, at least in part, to being ill. I am trying, ironically, to write about my ecstatic and horrific experience of being "caught between worlds" in a book. I am taking on my enemy-- words, head-on. I believe such "visions" can never be described in words, or any language, but maybe it is worth the attempt, as imperfect as it may be.<br />
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And then, maybe they need not be brought forward. Maybe "these things" are better left unsaid. Like how the precious image of God is kept secret in some cultures. But then this doesn't help the feeling of being on the outside, does it? I am confused.<br />
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I am sorry you had a rough day. I am either having days of elation or days of extreme depression--all the time; there is no middle ground for me. I totally understand the "rebooting" thing. Please be patient with yourself.

No need to apologize Frooty, your perception/experience is yours.<br />
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And senseless, I can certainly appreciate the perception/experience of no meaning. Meaning, like beauty, is certainly in the eye of the beholder. I don't think it is "out there" at all, but within ourselves as we create it through our own ex<x>pressions. I peer from the vantage of an Existentialist.

I sincerely apologize for the term, 'colonies of ants.' Yes, I understand that we are much more than that in the big realm of things, but to me, it all seems so.......senseless.<br />
Yes, I can feel thru connection but I am almost certain it is not like it is supposed to be. I have never been in love, I care deeply, but never that pitter patter of the heart I hear of.<br />
I see beauty in colors, in seasons, in laughter......but I feel no connection with them.<br />
What I yearn for is something I have never had, so I cannot describe it.

I wonder if "to feel this distant from the world" is really not that you are distant, but that another realm which you perceive overlays and transcends the world of ordinary perception, thereby adding a dimension that defocuses the day-to-day. Like the ordinary world is the surface of the ocean and all that most people perceive, and you (both of you) see the depth and breadth within the sea, distracting the mere surface world.<br />
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But Frooty, the "colonies of ants" are much more than that. The human experience brings to us the expanse of our hearts, the seamless flow of love that our eternal aspect can experience, that is within us, drawn out and expanding, the nuiances, the subtle growth of the universal love.<br />
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Can you not feel through connection, even in the most abstract of connections, through words sourced of heart, the drawing out, like the river to the ocean, hearts to one another?<br />
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Even in your being a part of EP, comments on Gatekeeper's story, isn't that connection what you seek, your yearning?

No, I cannot write the questions. They are more visionary than text.<br />
My thirst for knowledge is driving me mad.<br />
The things I want to know are far beyond any concept of this reality.<br />
Does that make sense at all?<br />
It's like.........social skills? WTF is that all about?<br />
Colonies of ants is all we are.<br />
We are so primative it is almost funny, yet we think we have a 'hard time' keeping up with technology?<br />
I have to chuckle sometimes.<br />
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I have dreams, and then I have DREAMS! I can tell the difference between them.<br />
I know which ones to keep to myself.<br />
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Lately...........(most of my life but more so lately) I have visions.<br />
I try to attribute them to too much TV. But I 'know' differently.<br />
It's kind of like I have the answers, but there are no questions.<br />
grrrrr I must sound really off!<br />
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It is a gift. We just don't know how to apply it yet or what to apply it to.<br />
I call it my limbo state.<br />
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Today was a horrible day for me. My mind is spent and I just want it to shut down for a while so I can reboot or something.

Frooty, thanks for sharing your experience. Can you write these questions, or are they too abstract? For me, the questions i have, many of them would come out in clicks and glitches before English.<br />
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"I have a thirst for knowledge that is beyond anything already known."<br />
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This is it! This is exactly it! That thirst can drive me deeper into myself and it feels like it could drive me mad. Perhaps there is a gift in this? People tell me to "be comfortable" with myself, but speaking is equivalent with being human in many respects. How could they know what it is like, to feel this distant from the world. It doesn't always feel like a gift.

I too have stopped talking.<br />
I mean, I go through the motions that are necessary to seem 'normal' to others, but I am alone in my mind and thoughts always.<br />
I watch, I obseve and I have questions that cannot be answered by anyone.<br />
Heck, if I did ask them out loud, I'd be taken for a raving lunatic.<br />
My dreams are disturbing and unshared.<br />
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It's like I have a thirst for knowledge that is beyond anything already known.<br />
Crazy?<br />
I dunno.