I Don't Care About Anything, Anymore
So here's my story of why I no longer give a damn anymore:
Ok here it is.... I’m a young woman with a fragile ego, I am too sensitive, I have problems seeing the good and beauty within myself, I’m at times insecure because of sad reasons and it all comes from my unique and often times, unwanted traits.
I think I’m beginning to see, the unique traits that I have about me. The traits usually go like this: I see someone, not just anyone but certain people that my heart and mind feels it’s alright to be around and to know and if I’m around these certain people long enough or if I know them long enough, I’ll either do one or two things, the things being traits that I have: I’ll go out of my way to care for and about them and treat them as if their blood family members to me…OR: I’ll go out of my way to be extremely nice and friendly (not friendly in that way, so get your minds out of the gutter, readers) and caring towards them. Either way, every time I do this, it always turns out wrong. I liken these traits somewhat to Christ, where he cared for and about everyone he met, regardless of what, treated them like blood family members and he did this to everyone he met…..he still does today, still has those same traits today. Now I’m not comparing myself to Christ because I’m not but I feel we share the same traits. However, every time I express these traits towards people, the meaning I’m trying to express towards them, which is: friendship, caring, niceness, sisterly love - it always comes out wrong or turns out wrong or it is misunderstood as me just being a weirdo, me being after something or me just being annoying. However, I have had these traits back since I was in second grade, I used to show this extreme niceness, friendship and caring towards other, fellow schoolmates and they’d all take it the wrong way and it would all turn out — wrong. I don’t know why I have these traits or why God gave me these traits, I’ve even asked for these traits to be taken away from me. I’ve asked for God to make me less nice, less friendly, less caring, towards people, but the request never is granted, I still have these same traits and I guess it’s just who I am.
Another trait I have is that I find it hard to hold grudges towards people. Someone can do me wrong badly and I’ll be mad at them and hold a grudge for a moment but then hours later, I’m back treating them with love as if they’re a blood brother or sister or relative. Why IS that?? I don’t know how to hold grudges and stay angry at people who have wronged me, just like I don’t know how to be mean and hateful and non caring towards people. Believe me, I’ve tried to be that way but I - I just don’t know how to.
So yesterday, yesterday I had one of those “all goes wrong experiences”, it was minor, yet it affected me enough as to where, I had a pretty bad evening that consisted of self criticizing myself and self guilt, self judging and etc. Now, I’d like to say, when I meet someone or know someone I admire and truly find to be awesomely great, I begin expressing great friendliness and niceness and caring towards them, I treat these people like they’re my blood relative, no matter how short of a time I’ve known or met them. I don’t know why, I guess it’s my way of expressing to them how much I admire them and I guess it’s my way of expressing friendly - friendship love and caring towards them. Well so, these were the type of expressions I expressed yesterday - often I share my expressions of caring, niceness, and friendship, through many ways, one way is, I’ll remark to them how they remind me of others whom I also am inspired by or whom I consider great, etc…..and I did this yesterday and I just know it turned out all wrong, it came out all wrong, from the responses that came from my remark, I knew my actions came out all wrong.
My actions were completely misunderstood and it made me feel foolish and dumb for even making the remark I did and I began to feel very self conscious. Knowing I meant the remark as a way to show caring, friendship, niceness and friendly friendship love but yet, somehow I know it just all came out wrong and sounding stupid and foolish and when it I know things like that, I begin feeling like a fool, an idiot, I begin feeling stupid and I begin to think others whom I’ve expressed my remarks to, feel the same way about me and this is how I felt yesterday.
I don’t know why I feel that way, call it insecurity or low self esteem but I just can’t help feeling that the things I say, the remarks I make, I mean it all in love and friendship and niceness but somehow, it gets misunderstood and it all turns out wrong and bad and leaves me feeling disliked and feeling like its something wrong with me for saying what I’ve said or doing what I’ve done. It leaves me feeling like because I’m so nice, caring and always showing love towards people, that its the reason I’ll never have true friends or will ever truly be liked by anyone, because who wants someone who is always nice and friendly and caring all the time? It leaves me feeling that if others feel this way towards me, does God feel this way towards me as well? I mean how can I be sure God likes or loves me as well? No one else, it seems, likes me. It seems like everyone I come in contact with ends up, I feel, disliking me because they are misunderstanding my acts of kindness, friendship, love and caring…
It also leaves me feeling like I’m never good enough to be in anyone’s circle because my friendliness, niceness and caring personality puts people off so much that I’m not accepted into their circle. I don’t get it honestly. I don’t know why I have or was given these traits but I wish I didn’t have them, because I’ve had them since I was a child and every since I’ve had them, I’ve felt very disliked, rejected, criticized, ridiculed and bashed by people…
Because of this I have no friends, no one wants to be friends with me and every time people see me, most of the time, they avoid me like I may be the bubonic plague, and I don't know why....I get rejected everywhere, no matter how nice, friendly and accepting I try to be towards them and so it's makes me say that I'm ready to say **** it, I give up....I don't give a d*** anymore...
1
Ok here it is.... I’m a young woman with a fragile ego, I am too sensitive, I have problems seeing the good and beauty within myself, I’m at times insecure because of sad reasons and it all comes from my unique and often times, unwanted traits.
I think I’m beginning to see, the unique traits that I have about me. The traits usually go like this: I see someone, not just anyone but certain people that my heart and mind feels it’s alright to be around and to know and if I’m around these certain people long enough or if I know them long enough, I’ll either do one or two things, the things being traits that I have: I’ll go out of my way to care for and about them and treat them as if their blood family members to me…OR: I’ll go out of my way to be extremely nice and friendly (not friendly in that way, so get your minds out of the gutter, readers) and caring towards them. Either way, every time I do this, it always turns out wrong. I liken these traits somewhat to Christ, where he cared for and about everyone he met, regardless of what, treated them like blood family members and he did this to everyone he met…..he still does today, still has those same traits today. Now I’m not comparing myself to Christ because I’m not but I feel we share the same traits. However, every time I express these traits towards people, the meaning I’m trying to express towards them, which is: friendship, caring, niceness, sisterly love - it always comes out wrong or turns out wrong or it is misunderstood as me just being a weirdo, me being after something or me just being annoying. However, I have had these traits back since I was in second grade, I used to show this extreme niceness, friendship and caring towards other, fellow schoolmates and they’d all take it the wrong way and it would all turn out — wrong. I don’t know why I have these traits or why God gave me these traits, I’ve even asked for these traits to be taken away from me. I’ve asked for God to make me less nice, less friendly, less caring, towards people, but the request never is granted, I still have these same traits and I guess it’s just who I am.
Another trait I have is that I find it hard to hold grudges towards people. Someone can do me wrong badly and I’ll be mad at them and hold a grudge for a moment but then hours later, I’m back treating them with love as if they’re a blood brother or sister or relative. Why IS that?? I don’t know how to hold grudges and stay angry at people who have wronged me, just like I don’t know how to be mean and hateful and non caring towards people. Believe me, I’ve tried to be that way but I - I just don’t know how to.
So yesterday, yesterday I had one of those “all goes wrong experiences”, it was minor, yet it affected me enough as to where, I had a pretty bad evening that consisted of self criticizing myself and self guilt, self judging and etc. Now, I’d like to say, when I meet someone or know someone I admire and truly find to be awesomely great, I begin expressing great friendliness and niceness and caring towards them, I treat these people like they’re my blood relative, no matter how short of a time I’ve known or met them. I don’t know why, I guess it’s my way of expressing to them how much I admire them and I guess it’s my way of expressing friendly - friendship love and caring towards them. Well so, these were the type of ex
My actions were completely misunderstood and it made me feel foolish and dumb for even making the remark I did and I began to feel very self conscious. Knowing I meant the remark as a way to show caring, friendship, niceness and friendly friendship love but yet, somehow I know it just all came out wrong and sounding stupid and foolish and when it I know things like that, I begin feeling like a fool, an idiot, I begin feeling stupid and I begin to think others whom I’ve expressed my remarks to, feel the same way about me and this is how I felt yesterday.
I don’t know why I feel that way, call it insecurity or low self esteem but I just can’t help feeling that the things I say, the remarks I make, I mean it all in love and friendship and niceness but somehow, it gets misunderstood and it all turns out wrong and bad and leaves me feeling disliked and feeling like its something wrong with me for saying what I’ve said or doing what I’ve done. It leaves me feeling like because I’m so nice, caring and always showing love towards people, that its the reason I’ll never have true friends or will ever truly be liked by anyone, because who wants someone who is always nice and friendly and caring all the time? It leaves me feeling that if others feel this way towards me, does God feel this way towards me as well? I mean how can I be sure God likes or loves me as well? No one else, it seems, likes me. It seems like everyone I come in contact with ends up, I feel, disliking me because they are misunderstanding my acts of kindness, friendship, love and caring…
It also leaves me feeling like I’m never good enough to be in anyone’s circle because my friendliness, niceness and caring personality puts people off so much that I’m not accepted into their circle. I don’t get it honestly. I don’t know why I have or was given these traits but I wish I didn’t have them, because I’ve had them since I was a child and every since I’ve had them, I’ve felt very disliked, rejected, criticized, ridiculed and bashed by people…
Because of this I have no friends, no one wants to be friends with me and every time people see me, most of the time, they avoid me like I may be the bubonic plague, and I don't know why....I get rejected everywhere, no matter how nice, friendly and accepting I try to be towards them and so it's makes me say that I'm ready to say **** it, I give up....I don't give a d*** anymore...
1
By:
deleted
Age:
26-30
