When Friends Become Family

I don't know if anyone else feels like this. I come from a semi-split family which always tried not to be that. In the region where I live I am the only one with my last name. At key times of my life, I have chosen to confide in and rely on friends as if they are part of my family and it has become that they are in fact, family -- to me. It is very difficult to find enough time to show these people how much they mean to me and I am afraid to let new people into this role. This costs me friends, money and my reputation. People tell me I have to rely on myself and I try, but I am only one man. The more I open myself I actually feel more secure but in reality the people I choose to be familiar with end up acting jealous and are offended when I don't choose them over the new ones, and the new ones don't make any time for me in general and resent when I go to spend time with the people I am closest to.

If I had my way I would travel around and visit them all, but in this way I am disabled. People assume that because the little money I have to invest in travel doesn't leave me much in the way of gifts that I don't care and I mooch off of them. I cannot be at a church, a club, a center or one building let alone anyone else's residence all the time every day. My time management skills are horrible. If I live impulsively I destroy myself and hurt others, if I live prudently i miss out on opportunities. What time I do have I donate in terms of volunteer work and I try to judge who needs me the most, but no matter what someone hurts because of me. They say they understand and that it's no big deal and I am a decent person. I am not the kind of guy who thinks in terms of who is going to be there for me when the **** goes down.

People resent me because I have a compelling tendency to try to please others and do what they want. This results in many distant relationships, as there is only a minimal part of the day when I am truly happy. My family wants me to have well-being and security, but the community wants me to feel valued and appreciated on a reciprocal basis. My parents have a pillow which reads Faith Family and Friends. Too often this manifests itself in my life in the reverse order. So instead of feeling faithful, secure and liked, I feel despised, rejected and unworthy. This leads me to feel incredibly guilty and sad. It is a personal problem I battle with addictions, but it is becoming a social problem.

People challenge me to walk the walk and talk the talk, and I have grown to realize this is a ludicrous improbability. There are very few people I can confide this problem to and even less who care enough to help. When I act with confidence I am treated with respect, when I doubt myself there is only my own self-pity and inevitably the wrath of frenemies. These friendly enemies resent me because they bend over backwards to help me and make me feel included, and then when I have a choice I choose the person who needs me most while the rest of them despise me for it. People judge me on the basis of what they feel I am thinking, rather than what I feel.

Enough said of the problem, I stretch myself too thin. I have to do the right thing for me, and I fear that makes me appear selfish. Due to the flaws of my own humanity, I am labelled the joker, the trickster, the fool. When I am trying to be the servant, the student, the guide but most of all the friend. I lash out immaturely to draw attention to myself and then act strangely due to my attachment issues. I try my hardest to draw a line in the sand and people cross it every time. I am always short of ideal. There is no excuse for my selfish behaviour. I feel like a failure. My repeated attempts to harm myself have driven people I care deeply about out of my life. I am afraid this will continue until I am old, cold and alone.

I'm sure the people who matter with me really do understand where I am coming from. My feeling of rejection is not something they are trying to do to me, it is a by-product of my aloof behaviour. My self-loathing is not the projection of their true feeling, instead it is a side effect of my depression. The overwhelming distance is different in every case whether it is physical, mental, emotional, psychologically or spiritual. No matter what I do I let people down. I am treated with sarcasm and so I become sarcastic. I fear desertion and so I am ignored. This is not going to end and I don't know what to do about it. I am sick of an empty driveway, a silent phone and an inbox full of spam.

 

 

Anwanka Anwanka
26-30, M
Feb 16, 2010