The Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

My life so far seemed empty and a bit 'sad' to me. Ok, I have done strange things due to circumstances, but to say I've been through a lot?

I've been talking to some people, under which my current therapist, about my past, now that I'm falling apart. (I know, sometimes even that is hard to believe, since I can be so coherent and sane most of the time). Ever since, I'm getting comments from people (not here on EP), telling me that it's a miracle I'm still alive. For me that's something that is hard to believe.

Here and there I posted some stories of what I have been through and that's only a tiny bit. My life is one big string of emotional, physical and sexual abuse, some more than others, psychological blackmail, restrictions of freedom (being locked up) and rape. I've been the victim of bullying for most of my school years, thanks to my parents, teachers and other supposedly important people in my little life, who didn't give a rats behind about what happened to me. I wasn't loved and never learned from them how to love back. After all I was not important at all and was being told that on numerous occasions. In my adult life, the emotional abuse re-occurred regularly, thanks to my ex-partners. This all lead to being extremely distrusting towards people, and over and over again this got reconfirmed.

Then I went into therapy, things had led so out of hand that I didn't even dare to set a foot out the door and attempted suicide. That took 3 years of my life and I thought I was doing a lot better... For a few years at least and the whole emotional and psychological abuse started again. It's as if I have some big fat neon sign above my head...

And if that wasn't enough, somewhere along the line I started to split up in early childhood, to be able to carry the pains. I haven't even got a clue how many parts I am now, some never come forward but talk only inside. So I'm multiply damaged goods... Run while you can...

Now I'm again taking steps in trying to be able to deal and fend off these kind of situations. This time it's different, this time I'm more messed up than anyone thought. Yet, I didn't give up, even though I did want to (and still do at some moments). But I know it's a cowards way out.

If people are telling that it's a miracle I'm still alive, then there must be something that I need to live for. I've found EP, I'm gradually telling my experiences and I hope I can help others with it. Or at least be an example of how wrong things can go.

Greetings from the edge of insanity to you all

Perturbee Perturbee
46-50, F
5 Responses Sep 11, 2009

Suicide is -in my opinion- still a cowards way out, you opt for an easier solution when continuing life seems even harder. Yes, I know it takes a lot of courage, but it takes probably even more courage to rebuild life and get out of the 'dark zone'.<br />
There are two types of suicide, the attempt to get attention and the one ending it all. Most of the ones who seriously want to end it, do succeed (I'd almost call it euthanasia), the ones needing attention are planned in such a way that there is an option for saving them.<br />
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About the ones who seriously want to end it:<br />
Suicide is not giving yourself a chance, suicide is giving up, suicide is very egoistic!<br />
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And still I do consider that option with regular intervals, in a very serious way.

killing yourself is not a cowards way out as anyone that tryed it will tell u,myself included.If it was that easy i wouldnt be here now.that for example the person that is afraid of heights,what would it take for that person to jump?they have to be hurting so much that falling is easyer than living

6 months later...<br />
My relationship seems impossible to maintain, I've been hurt *very* bad, so bad I wonder why I kept on trying anyway.<br />
I've moved countries (again).<br />
Been in mental hospital twice.<br />
Finally officially diagnosed as DID/MPD (and clinically insane)<br />
<br />
Yet when you read what I write here on EP, you'd think I'm quite ok, sanity wise. That's scary (and funny)... I'm so crazy, I almost look sane. Hmmm.

I think if my life's cards were dealt differently I would have ended up as a big criminal. (I have noticed those tendencies and fight the urge to act upon them).<br />
If I had made a full comprehensive list, it would be either a whining session or a horror story, but I can't face that right now.<br />
<br />
It didn't "kill" me inside, because my coping and survival mechanism caused my personality to split up to be able to deal with the pains and horrors. I'm not sure if every split should count for one trauma or something, but it's one big mess.<br />
<br />
I did find *something* here, I can spread all things I learned, help others and find some comfort in the things I read.<br />
<br />
Thanks for your very open comment.

You sound like a strong person, and you sound like somehow you can accept what happens... It doesn't kill you inside, and you didn't go insane and become a murderer or something. It sounds like you still know what you're doing and you're pretty sane, not much people would have "survived" like you have, you're still here and you know better! I see myself in you a bit.<br />
I've been through certain things too but I hate to sum it up because it sounds like I'm whining and I think I should be happy with my life and all. But I recognies a lot of things in your story here.<br />
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Welcome and I hope you find something here or get found and help somehow.