Only God Can Judge Me- Does Anyone Else Feel This Way?

I have more faith in God then anyone who knows me would ever believe, but I dont share it or talk about it. I have had my moments of bitterness where God and I didnt get along but i have NEVER denied his existence. I have also never disliked anyone who did or believed in something else. I have tried to explain this idea with other christians but most people only get parts of what i say.

I don't go to church. I quit going when my mom died. I didnt turn my back on God but i felt betrayed and couldn't sort it out, all these memories came to me and just kept me away longer until finally i decided church wasn't necessary-at least for me. I know people say all these things about how he never gives so much we cant handle and everything happens for a reason but for most of those people (that I have met) the worst thing that happened to them was stubbing their toe.

When I was little I used to pray that God would stop my parents fighting, would stop them drinking, would stop me going hungry, or would help my mom stay strong and stay alive. I know we were given free will but I had no choice but to live through what i did and it seems as though everytime i started trying to go to church and become more devout another ton of bricks would fall on my head and EVERYTIME someone with an easier life tried to explain it to me i just became more bitter.

I never said i didnt believe, i have always said "I'm not speaking to him right now". This really worried the people that care about me.

I've in the last few years started to try and get closer again but i dont want to talk about it. When people start saying things like "oh father we love you and we give ourselves to you..." it just kinda feels weird and makes me uncomfortable. I think this is why people dont take my faith seriously but i feel like talking about it out loud is more for everyone elses benefit then for God. its like saying "see, you hear me talking to God, it doesnt matter how bad my actions are you all believe me" I can't explain it, some people just seem fake and i dont want to look like that. I don't choose to have a relationship with God for anyone but myself and God and i don't feel like i should have to prove it to anyone because im not hear for them to judge me. I never reject my belief and when asked i tell everyone that i'm christian but i dont care if people believe me or not. God understands what we have and whats in my heart.

In a way i feel like its an intimate relationship. I wouldn't share intimate moments between me and my spouse with a whole room of people-i think the same amount of respect should be in your faith....

firefly21 firefly21
22-25, F
Mar 18, 2009