5 Comic Books That Will Help You Score Drugs

I f you haven’t heard of the meth ring that was busted yesterday laundering its money with classic Superman and Batman comic books... well, now you have.

But I have to tell you, as a total freak for comics and drugs, that I have an intimate and particular knowledge of how these things work. I can tell you now that the losers running this particular meth ring, using obviously expensive and rare comics from the Golden Age, set themselves for the utter FAIL. It’s like walking into an S&M party dressed as Batman—totally obvious.

Here’s a quick guide to obtaining the drugs you want from smart (well, let's say “wiley”) dealers of smack and funnybooks:

You want: Speed
You need: The Flash
Yeah, it’s the most obvious of associations. After all, "The Fastest Man Alive” isn’t just about the adventures of the Scarlet Speedster -- it’s also about how you perceive the world when amped on the sweet rush of methamphetamines.  Everything is just slower and sluggish and less fast and everyone’s too slow and OMG why can’t I stop bouncing?

Order online, using rush delivery.


You want: Marijuana
You need: The Swamp Thing
Hey man, Swamp Thing isn’t just a giant mess of once-human vegetation relaxing in some marsh, mired in his contemplations about self, bogged down by humanity’s destruction of the environment—no man, he's just like you and me, man! He’s just being, man!

When you buy your Swamp Thing back issues from your local comic book store, be sure not to bogart the entire collection. Man.


You want: PCP
You need: Superman
First, grab some Superman books from that “Hey Kids! Comics!” rack at your local Circle K, and read them closely. Then soak your comics in pans of water for a few hours, remove the comics and let the water evaporate. Next, you’ll dip your cigarettes in the resulting powder, take a drag—and within seconds, you too will have super strength, imperviousness and the ability to jump from the roof of your apartment in a single bound. (Be sure to peep out that cute neighbor while “flying,” because that X-ray vision ain’t no hallucination, sir!)

Hey, if you aren’t Superman when riding the skies on PCP, you’re just some sort of dumbass who about to introduce his face to the asphalt. Which obviously isn’t you – you’re Superman!


You want: Viagra
You need: The Hulk
Don’t get angry when you can’t get it up. She wouldn’t like you when you’re angry...  because, you know, she’s angry, so why make her angrier by being angry?

Instead, take your anger out on the neighbor kid, steal his Hulk comics, and commence huffing. Start at the beginning and just snort every inch of every page. Soon, you’ll start to feel emotional, impulsive and, finally, out of control. The Hulk won’t be the only one growing suddenly and bursting out of his pants!


You want: Anabolic steroids
You need: Wonder Woman
Barry Bonds is not the only person to feel the need to bulk up over the course of his career. Take Wonder Woman. In the early years, she’s a young lady with flashy, bullet-deflecting bracelets, a cute skirt, and a convenient see-through jet that lets you see up said skirt.

Nowadays? That’s a maaan, baby! Once, Wonder Woman was the only game in town. But faced with an onslaught of powerful superladies (Superwoman, She-Hulk, Power Girl, etc.), our heroine started pill-popping and has never looked back. Little wonder why Hollywood hasn’t filmed her since the 70s -- she sounds like James Earl Jones.

I’m not sure how you’ll actually get anabolic steroids out of the Wonder Woman books, however. I prefer to keep my slim figure, clear skin and awesome falsetto. Post below if you know how (or just want to share other comic book/illicit drug combos)!