A Pointless Disquistion

Today I thought I want to go to the mall and buy dresses so I can look more feminine. Then I thought am I partaking in the conditioning that leads me to associate
reinvention with attire as an aspect of acculturation that promotes consumerism. Then I wondered if I was simply letting a dress symbolize my transcendence
of my fathers wishes for me to be a boy. Then I thought should I let material items symbolize that and should I get emotionally attached to them. Then I wondered if
I was questioning my emotional attachment to material as a much more prodigious inability to see the use in getting attached to reality. I wondered if I used
Eastern spirituality to romanticize my avoidant attachment to my very existence. Then I wondered why I felt guilty for buying a dress but do not feel guilty for
lying. The theory that my identity is a product of acculturation can be dismissed by these very untypical associations to these two human behaviors. I thought
to myself shopping invests in the economy, creates job security, and is the circulation of money that is livelihood of so many. So by saving money I am selfishly
clotting the organism that is the American economy so rational buying a dress should not inspire guilt. Then I used my wage as a verbal of time where one hour
of my life is equal to nine dollars. I let x over nine represent the conversion of a price of a good to the time of my life it takes me to earn that dress. I realized a dress was
three hours of my life. Then I thought if three hours of my life would increase pleasure and self esteem for a larger mass of time than the initial investment of
time would be justifiable. Now I wonder why my self esteem is effected by the visible level of adaptivity I poses in correspondence with my gender role. Then
I thought well I am a member of a social species and I will always care what people think about me and I want to fit in and belong. I want to belong and
it is not that I am not intelligent, analytical or authentic enough to transcend that need, but that I am well to aware that human needs are not something existential
intelligence can help us escape. The philosopher who sits alone ponders the meaning of life while evolutionary psychology whispers human connection,
bonding, and being a part of a group kept the human race alive. I then think perhaps the meaning of life is staying alive and from an evolutionary stand point
that took considerable amounts of social interaction. I wondered why I had vilinized society and conformity for so long. I realized that it was not that
I felt the system was corrupt, but because I felt like I did not belong. It was not my authenticity that prevented me from finding my place in the world, but a lack
of an adequate invitation to socialize an early stages of development that created the social critic mentality, judging and observing what I could never obtain.
I am not above this society. I am a female and females of the species on this continent in this culture have a standard set of behavior, attire, and a role
that I should adapt to. I adapt not because I am weak minded, because romanticizing being maladaptive as authenticity promotes isolation
and that is a backwards system. We are not lone wolves. We are social creatures and we ache to fit in and belong, not because we are weak but because
that is how we have survived for millions of years. I am not different, I am not better, I am not special, and there is no injustice inside these roles or this culture.
The corporations of course yes, but those can be avoided by choosing a simply a more ethical business. I am a consumer like I was trained to be not because
I am not a free thinker, but because I see myself as a cell inside this larger organism of my culture and of this species. I am a part of something bigger than
myself and I want money to flow through out the living breathing economy. It is irrational to have guilt for being a consumer. I wonder why I put so much thought into
buying a dress and question the practicality of existential intelligence. I knew that would send me on another rampage so I decided it would be best if
I just went to the mall.
Lenina1 Lenina1
18-21, F
Sep 7, 2012