I Get Mad At Myself Because I Still Can't Get It Though My Head

That I don't matter. I keep trying to and sometimes get to a point that I think I do. Then whenever I show just a little self esteem it comes crashing back to me that I am different from other people and I have to stay in the shadows and just go along in life being a doormat, stepping stool, appliance, etc. I am 48 and it still crushes me over and over. Near the end of Finding Nemo there is a part where Nemo and his dad are about to find each other. They are in the midst of plain, nobody, vacant fish. I am like one of those fish but keep wanting to be one of the vibrant and interesting ones. I am so tired of being stepped on and looked down on. My hairdresser and I call ourselves The Invisable Gals. We are the ones no one notices or remembers. People feel free to insult us to keep us in our place. I have prayed and prayed to have some gift in life to matter here on this earth, no matter how small. It doesn't have to be anything I would get credit or acknowlegement for. Just some tiny thing that I can do or be to feel better about myself.

GiGiLafoo GiGiLafoo
46-50, F
Mar 13, 2010