I Can't Put A Finger On It...

Everyday, I have a man telling me he loves me and he does a lot for me but everyday I feel as if I would be nothing without him, literally. When we have our arguements, he brings up the past. I did  a lot of things I'm not proud of but I changed. I can admit that he has changed me but I feel that I changed for him because I wanted to and if I didn't want to, it would have never happend so I feel like that should be realized but it's not. My family believes that he is the reason that I am the way I am now which is more responsible and basically that. I loved to go out and have fun from the age of 16 until 25. I have slept with a lot of men but never really wanted to. I did it because I wanted to feel needed. I have a great man in my life but he doesn't act like he's in a relationship with me. Sometimes he doesn't tell me things and he does things without my knowledge all of the time. I know he doesn't mean any harm by it because he's just so use to it. He's been in jail for ten years. From the age of 14 until 24. I feel like cheating sometimes because I want that feeling of being appreciated but I don't cheat. If I am hurt or sad, he doesn't make me feel better. He tells me I shouldn't feel the way I do. I wish I were stronger but I'm not and I don't feel that he makes it any better. He's very energetic and I'm more lay back. I love to have fun in many ways. He loves to have fun as well and at the same time his type of fun is kind of childish. I try to be childish but I'm not. I like to go dancing and I like to do stupid things but I don't because I don't want him to be disapointed in me. I go to work, cook, look at movies with him, have sex, take a shower and go to sleep. He wanted to have sex today and I really didn't so I just stould there. I laughed and told him that it's like he's sleeping with a dead person and he said it's always like that. I was shocked! I got up and told him if he felt that way he should have told me and he said he was just joking. I felt sad because of it and he told me I was basically wrong for feeling sad. I asked him why would he joke like that and he told me it was part of the conversation that lead him to joke like that. I guess because I was joking he through that one at me. I felt that when I told him that it would of made more sense for him to say something like.... I like sleeping with dead girls rather than tell me that I was dead during sex all the time. When I want to have sex, I know I put a lot of work in but for some reason it made me feel like I have to do more. I have never finished shool and I work as a Administrative Assistant. Making $32,000 a year. I just rented my first apartmet in the Bronx where someone is stealing parts of the cars or just breaking car windows and I can't have any children without  In Vitro Fertilization which cost a fortune. I just wish I had something to make me feel like I'm worth something.

jb1979 jb1979
26-30, F
Feb 26, 2010