Mentally And Physically I'm Spent

I feel this way everyday. I never feel like doing anything. I wish I could lay in my bed and just watch TV or listen to music or just stare @ the wall. I never can. Every day must be a productive day whether I'm interested in it or not. I move like a machine. Inside I either feel annoyed, angry, apathetic or just plain sad. I wish I could take a vacation from my life. Go be someone who enjoys existing. You know those people whose life is an adventure. That's what I wanted for my life. Instead its all about duties and requirements. When I need something for myself it takes more energy than I have to give. Plus it must be done in a couple hours or less because it can't interfere with my obligations.

I end up being less productive in my duties and requirements and therefore all I hear is that I don't do this right or it takes me forever to do anything properly, everyone else does it so much better. Yep they do. Why don't they do it then? Luckily and thankfully I have had some of the duties removed from my roster by the smarter and better than I people.

Now I've noticed those people are trying to erase me altogether from the process. So unless I handle it all with ease or slowly but surely I'm left behind. I'm trying to decide if being left behind isn't so bad. Then I could disappear. They wouldn't miss me and then I'd be free. I'm working on getting used to the idea. I've been overbooked for so long ... it'll take a while.

In the mean time I do still have some assisting duties (for the better and smarter people). Do I feel like doing it? Nope. I wish I could spend more than a couple hours on me in a day without sneaking or lurking. I don't know maybe my story isn't making any sense. I'm too tired to even put in the effort.

4vrUnique 4vrUnique
2 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Your story sums up my life as well.

Thank you zilchkore.

I take B vitamins to help with my days when my energy is bottomed out after a high anxiety day. I don't know your situation, but it helps me to keep anxiety under control and sometimes I really need it too! the doctor put me on a couple different dietary supplements and changed my diet and wow it did make a big difference! maybe you should see your doctor, it might be something simple. Hope you discover the turbo button so you can enjoy live again!

I think if I had more time to dedicate to myself that would be the best drug of all whoflungpoo. When I'm on vacation (away from the stress) I don't have this problem nearly as bad. I can think clearly, have more energy and don't feel guilty for resting. So maybe letting go would be the best thing. The the I can do everything better than you people will handle the stress while I find out who I currently am.