I Seriosly Don´t Know

In fact I have been used by friends since I was a child. I remember that nobody in the kindergarden wanted to play with me, because I had not a mother ( !!!!!! ) Yes, they bullied me all the time that I had not a mother. I was not shy as kid, but I was very worry to get close to the kids because they always asked me about my mother ( she just left me when I was 3) So I was alone. I wanted SO much to play with the others but my anxiety did not allowed. One day my Dad gave me a little bag with candy and I had it in the kindergarden. For my biggest surprise, all children came to me. They wanted candy. Wow... nobody said anything about my mother...!!!!!! I was in the 7`th heaven! I was really not care about the candy- I gave them all. And than what? They just left. Never asked me to play, but just left. For the 2 minutes I felt like the most popular and loved kid in the whole kindergarden. Wow...they came to me!!!! I did not realize that they only were interested in my candy. The next days I came with candy again, and all was the same. They came to me, got the candy and left... I can´t remember my feelings or why I did that, but the last day I had my candy, I got in the back yard in the kindergarden, dug a hole and buried all my candy there. I never got close....I never had a chance.
When I started school, it was the same story. The most of my classmate were from my kindergarden so they knew me already. And guess what? They told the new kids about me, so all of them could bully me :((
They stopped about when we were 10 years old. I guess they grew up, so it was not more interesting to bully me because I did not have a mother. I tried to be more social in the class, to do something to get friends, and I almost got 2 girls, but they were more interested in me when I helped them with their homework...
The same in my adult life. People come and leave... if somebody wants some help for something, yes they come, and I help with pleasure, because I really love to be useful with something if I can help, but they never ask me for something funny, like eat together, go shopping and whatever. If I try to invite somebody, they always said: "I am bussy..."
I don´t thing that I am boring, I do think that I have a good sanse for humor, and I talk to much ( but I also listen;)), so I really don´t know why nobody has interest in me. I give much, I am not selfish, and I am always willing to help. I don´t consider myself as a bad person, but I seems to be bad friend sinse people leave me. I really long for a good friend- maybe just one, but who I know that I can trust 100 % and know that he will never leave me without reason. Sometimes I think that it could be karma. Maybe I am born to be alone.
Polixena Polixena
46-50, F
1 Response Mar 10, 2012

I know exactly what you mean