My Family Don't Love Me For Who I Am, And I'm Suffering From Bulimia

I accept I have Bulimia. Today I made myself sick twice. It's been a daily thing for nearly a year. The thing is, I don't 'binge', I will make myself sick after a healthy lunch or dinner. My fear is that even though I am eating only around 1300 calories, I'm scared that I'll go over this amount at the end of the day so I like to create a deficit just in case. I feel I have now willpower to be anorexic, but I need the control of Bulimia in my life. I've dropped 5 dress sizes in 6 months, I try to burn as much off in the gym as I can.

I know why this has happened. I have always been told I was too sensitive, particularly by my family and some friends and colleagues. I was raped on my 20th Birthday but was too scared to tell anyone in case they thought I was being too sensitive. My family always point out if they don't like something about me, always that I'm too fat, I'm too thin, eating too much, I'm eating too little, my hair looks bad, I walk funny etc. It makes me feel confused and that I'm only allowed to be loved and praised if I please them. If I try to do things for myself and not the way they like it, they shout at me.

There is light at the end of this very dark tunnel I'm in. I've been fortunate enough to be loved. My boyfriemd of 3 years really undersands me. He is the only one who knows everything and he loves me more for it. He knows about my Bulimia and he doesn't force me out of it, he quietly gets me more excited about food, encourages me towards health. I know he can help me through this. I will get professional help because I don't think anyone should have to be so unloved by their family. It's become so abusive and I think their behaviour won't help my recovery. As for being oversensitive, I realise now that it's something I feel I am because of my family. When they say something awful to me and I respond (quite rightly) in a defensive way, they tell me I'm sensitive so they can imply I'm hysterical and make me doubt myself.

It's going to be a difficult recovery, so I would really appreciate any advice and kind words to help me through my Bulimia and with distancing myself from my family. Thank you for reading this and sorry to burden you with my worries xxx
wheredoigonow wheredoigonow
26-30, F
1 Response May 4, 2012

I think the best advice I could ever give is to get medical help and I hope you do.I am glad you have a supportive bf too.Thanks for sharing.