I'm An Adult And I Can't Get Over The Fact That My Parents Don't Love Me

Now that I'm older and out of the house, I am realizing how much I've been hurt by the fact that my parents don't love me. It's really hard trying to come to terms with the fact that the people who created me and brought me into this world wish that they hadn't done so. My whole life I had been made to feel like I was not good enough to be their son. I was always made to feel different.
Now, as an adult, I have such a hard time being in a relationship because I am seeking for someone to make me feel important the way my parents never did. I feel defective and worthless most of the time. I tried to hide it for a long time with drinking and drugs and partying, but that's all over now and I'm just left here, alone.
I'm trying to learn to love myself, but everytime I look in the mirror I just see them and how they must regret ever having a kid. I'm an only child and I was always told that my parents would rather have had a different kid, whether it be a friend of mine, or cousin, my dad would always tell me he wishes they were his son.
All the rejection I have felt has made it almost impossible for me to form relationships with anyone who is around my parents age (40+). I don't know how to relate or how to react to the things they say to me, because everything is so wrapped up in the fact that I don't have a family.
I can't accept love from others because I don't know what it feels like. I avoid topics of birthdays or holidays or moments like graduations because people don't seem to understand that I don't have anybody to look upon these moments in my life. It's so hard to be proud of myself and my accomplishments when you have no one looking back at you with pride.
My parents have gone out of their way to make sure I stay hidden. My mother wont even mention she has a son to her coworkers in fear that they might find out that I'm gay. She has gone so far as to tell me to never use my real last name on facebook, and gave me a list of people to block from seeing my profile just in case.
I helped her out by legally changing my last name so that she never has to worry about people mistaken me for being her son.
Now I live 10 hours away from my home town, haven't been home for holidays in over 3 years, and contact is at a complete minimum. I'm starting to feel very alone because everyone my age is getting married and having kids, and I have panic attacks when I have to visit with my partners family because I don't know how to act in a family setting. I'm normally a talkative person, but because I was always told to be quiet by my father and to never speak the truth of who I am by my mother, I feel paralyzed around other people's families or adults.
I just want to feel like it's okay to be me. I don't want to make my partner feel like he needs to fill the void created by my parents. It's really sad. I am depressed and have no self-esteem. I've been going to counselling but my brain won't stop running through everything I've been through. I have a really hard time relating to people who haven't struggled their whole lives.
I hope I can get better and I can learn to love myself before I ruin any chance of having a normal adult life.
kmj128 kmj128
22-25, M
2 Responses Nov 21, 2012

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Sweethard, why are you so conform to your mother?

You need to work on your self-esteem and change your way of thinking... try to spend more time with people who can understand your point of view and offer some support.