Echo

The eighth entry to my memoir "A Child Born from Sin"

A dream...
An unreachable dream...
A paradise...
With the ones closest to my heart...

I've been struggling so long to find answers,
Why can't I be truly happy?
Why can't I be loved?
Why can't I be with the ones I love?
I struggle and I struggle and yet...
I always reach an answer that I don't want...
I can't be truly happy.
I can't be loved.
I can never be with the ones I love.
Because...
In the end, I'll always be a mistake...

I was born from the scarlet-colored sin, and
I can never escape that truth,
as if it has been embroidered onto my male bosom...
Everywhere I go,
No matter how high or how low,
It will always linger in my heart like an echo...

Then a dream came...
my heart silenced
and my body became weak.
I was standing with the kin of my eldest brother,
he approached me and stated "I'm glad you're with us, Uncle"
I was silent, why would he tell me that?
Could he not see the scarlet-colored sin over my heart?
But...
My body, heart and soul were all void of color...
What was happening to me?
What was the point of him telling me that?

All of a sudden, I was standing on a boat,
my two brothers were present wearing yellow waders,
they approached me and stated all too familar
"I'm glad you're with us, Junior."
I broke...
I fell to my knees and cried,
What was this?
Why were they telling me this?
What fabrication was my mind creating?
I didn't understand...
I just kept crying and crying...
This wasn't real...
It can never be real...
The Niagra fell from my eyes and I pounded the floor of the boat,
Why?
Why!
Why...
This isn't real! I can never be loved like this!
I don't live in a fantasy world and I don't live in a fairytale either!
My body gained this burning red color as I screamed to the figments,
You're not real! This isn't real!
Bloodied from pounding the deck and burning from the revelation,
I ran towards my big brother and I threw a punch, yet...he disappeared...
As did my eldest brother...
I was all alone on a boat, bloodied and in tears.
This is the truth, to be all alone and to suffer with my scarlet sin...
...
(love)...
What was that?
(love)...
What was that sound?
(love)...
It's echoing.
(love)...
I turn back and there they are...
My two brothers...
The two kin of my eldest brother...
The spouse of my eldest brother...
My eldest sister and her three kin...
They were all there and they came up to me...
"I'm glad you're with us, Alex."
The echoes of my heart is the love of a family,
I smiled...and I cried even more...
Is this a paradise?
Are my echoes alive here?
Is this real?
But it can't be...this is a dream...
...
I awoke...
Everything I had witnessed...
just apart of my dream...
Again, I cry...and I cry...
This paradise I saw...
I wanted it back...
I wanted it to be real...
I wanted to hear the echoes...
And I never wanted to stop listening...
...
(love)...
Cerorizo Cerorizo
18-21, M
May 5, 2013