I Am A Freak!......but Mabey That's Ok

 I was very confused and worried. If im being honest, i guess i still am. All my life I always felt weird. I never felt really apart of human society and i was afraid that my being asexual would just prove how much of a freak people think i am. But i guess there is no denying it anymore. I am a healthy 15 year old girl and yet I have never felt sexually attracted to anyone, and what's more, I never even had a crush! People joke around and call me an alien and a non-human weirdo and they might just be joking but sense i feel that way on a daily basis, i take those comments very seriously. It actually makes me feel bad everytime someone asks me out too. There are some really nice boys who show interest in me and it hurts me to know that they will never have a chance with me because i will never have any romantic feeling towards them what so ever. Just recently i turned down one of my close friends. It took me months to turn him down because during all that time, I was trying to make myself feel something towards him. I know he is a nice guy and he is smart and is funny and all year people said that we would be a good couple and yet i couldn't feel anything. Nothing but friendship. I even considered goin out with him so i wouldnt have to say no and because i thought that with time i could make myself like him, but i decided that is cruel especially sense he told me that he REALLY likes me. Another reason that i didn't do that is because if I did I would have to do things that a girlfriend would do. I know that if I don't want to have sex i don't have to, but even the very thought of cuddling and kissing him-- or anybody for that matter --is enough to make me want to vomit. It's hard knowing that people get hurt just because I don't have the emotions and feelings that replenish our species and basically make up the foundation of being human. And sense i brought that up, i just want to say that the only human emotions i ever feel are anger and annoyance. Seriously, there really must be something wrong with me. What's even worse is that i don't even really like humans. I don't want to be normal because I want to fit into society........it just seems alot easier. If i feel like everyone else i won't get hassled anymore. I won't hurt nice people for my lack of human emotions. My family wont look at me like im the freakin devil's spawn because im so apathetic and angry all the time (yup i know that is a weird combo). I won't have to deal with my parents constantly asking if i am lesbian cause i never want to invite any guys over (and no. i am definately NOT gay. not that there is somethin wrong with being gay. im just not). And i wont have to feel like a complete freak because i feel so empty and emotionless while my all my friends are flirtin and checkin people out when we hang out. And here is something else that is ****** up about me. I can't even tell if a guy is cute or not. Seriously! I know i am not gonna want to get with him but is it to much to ask to at least think a guy is handsome. I can tell if i think he is really ugly but i cant tell if i think he is cute! What kind of teenage girl am I?! Sometimes my friends forget that about me and they ask me if a guy is cute and i just stare at them with this blank look on my face after i almost bust a damn brain cell tryin to see if he is cute or not! I really am some kind of freak. I used to feel like i was of no use to society because their is no way in hell that i was goin through what it takes to concieve a child. I hate that i feel totally mortifyed and ashamed at the very thought of my guy friends finding out i feel this way. i don't even know why i feel like that but i do. What's more, people think i'm weird that not only do i NOT want to get married in the future, i do NOT want to have a child. Ever. The thought of those two events just doesn't appeal to me. I was writing this because i swallowed my pride AND shame to ask yall for help on being normal. That's why i came here. But a few seconds ago i decided that i am being stupid. I dont feel like other people and that is MY normal. I'm asexual and i still need to work hard to wrap my mind around that idea but there is no point in tryin to change myself. I still feel everything i just typed but now i understand something whether i like it or not. That's just who i am. I still do not know how to truly cope with the way i am but for the moment i think it would be best not to care.smiley  
fatherisabitch fatherisabitch
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 7, 2010

Thanks for the comment :). It really made me feel better.

Congratulations to you. You have a lot of guts. Many ADULTS I know DO NOT (underline that 700 times)....TURN DOWN someone because they don't feel anything toward them. Nope. They are cowards instead, and because 'people think they make a good couple' or 'they are lonely'--or whatever lame thing they come up with---these two adults who feel nothing for each other...move in together, get married, etc etc etc. Also, I think you are being very harsh on yourself. There are infinite ways to feel and show attraction---those realms likely are yours....and whomever is special to you. Being common and easy may be how some teenagers and adults are---but that does not apply to everyone!!