Always On The Outside

I am now 54 and still on the outside. Since I was a kid in school that's the way it has been. In school I was considered a geek for many years. Later in high school I started hanging out with the cool kids, the trouble makers, the partyers. I did that for a few years but I began to realize that wasn't who I really was, so that ended. I really don't know why they ever let me into there group. I was also a real late bloomer when it came to girlfriends and sex. Since those days I have been married twice, 4 children and many, many girlfriends which didn't lead to a very good family life. Things would be fine for awhile but would always fall apart. Something was always missing, there was always an emptyness that never was filled. Its always been that way with my jobs to, would start out ok but after awhile that feeling that something was missing would come back. I know one of my problems is that I feel that people should put into the relationship, whether its a personnal or professional relationship, at least the same as I do. I have always put my best into everything but as soon as I feel that isn't being returned things start to fall apart. The problem is that I am still that way. I will always put my best into everything all I ask is the same in return. Is that wrong? Maybe people have given me there best and I didn't realize it or that wasn't good enough. Maybe I expect to much and that is not the way people are or ever will be. There is so much more to all this that is not written here. The final outcome has led to a very lonely life. 
jerrysheart jerrysheart
51-55, M
5 Responses Apr 22, 2012

Electrons are destined to constantly circle the neutrons & protons of an atom, that isn't necessarily interesting or fair.<br />
I'm 52 years old and Intolerant of intolerant people, that is neither interesting or fair or logical. <br />
What truly isn't fair is that I am fully aware of how I am and keep on doing it.<br />
We have our own unique paths to follow. We define our self worth by the immediate perceived signals and presume their effect whilst we are blind to the effect we have left on others. If you can realise everyone fits in, Your fitting in !

' i don't fit in anywhere', this is what i just typed in the search engine minutes ago and i cannot tell you how surprised i was to find that Jerrysheart unknowingly was describing my life. Thank you for your brave heart. To me it felt like reading an excerpt from a history book about my life. Am 36 yrs old and have never found a group of people that i fit in with. I've felt weird about it for a very long time and because of the high standards that i set for myself, i even still someone fancy defeating it although i firmly believe it wouldn't be me or at least not in me to become a groupie. This loneliness has hindered me from fully naturing certain skills and opportunities as i quickly drop out of the group where they could be essentially developed better. That includes jobs,partners,college mates you name it. They say no man is an island and yet when am on the 'mainland' of some social group, i feel so out of place and quickly swim right back to my 'island'. I need help. I have tried to fix this several times through christian faith and praying alot but to my surprise i never stayed at any church longer than than 4-6months. Primarily because they too couldn't meet my standards. I dont know what to do anymore. I thought seriously about joining an Adult ADHD group but after all the research i did,i decided against it. Is this lone ranger attitude a disorder anyway? I also have very high concerns on my privacy which an on looker would easily describe as bordering on paranoia. Does any of you guys have that? What bothers me also is the fact that when am in a group i somehow always seem to perform very well and in most cases with leadership roles that i get very quickly and then abondon as quick as they came mainly due to 'intolerance' of the performance of my peers, leaving me with a sense of loss and a lack of achievement. Isn't having high expectations of oneself and others simply pride?

god is missing...i felt the same way until recently and have been praying lots. it helps!

I'm 23, I feel the same way, and if I make it to 54 I will feel the same way.

Outside is where all the really great people hang out.<br />
I found myself nodding a lot while reading this. People have told me over and over that I need to lower my expectations--that my standards are perhaps, too high. Overachievers are like that; they don't like to settle for just enough--they tend to go above and beyond and then feel used and abused in the end.<br />
Jerry, meet Quintesse. We're two of a kind my friend, probably expecting more from others than is generally acceptable in modern society (or modern relationships.)<br />
But then again you have been severely jerked around. I have too.<br />
Maybe take a breath and try to let go a little. That is what I am trying to do--with limited success. It's pretty much day to day over here.<br />
I wish you luck. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I think you are brave for writing this. It is heartfelt and sincere and my heart goes out to you.

Quintesse, thank you so much for your comments. Its nice to know there is someone out there that knows what I am talking about.. I know that in the past I have not been an easy person to live with, with my standards and expectations and all. I have , over the years, let go of much of it but I can't seem to let go of the core beliefs. They are what makes me me, but they are also what keeps me separate from other people. I really just don't know what to do. Anyway I would love to chat with you sometime, and thank you again

You're welcome. You're not alone.