As I sit here I feel troubled and paranoid about my future, as my day comes to a close. To summarize my last three days since I have seen the doctor about my condition, they have been meaningless. But it’s very deceiving only to the fact in which my actions seem to be decided by my only thread of sanity I seem to have left. My mind feels torn and eroded of fake emotion created by the need to move on in this world for what reason I have yet to discover. Anger,anxiety, and jealousy blend in with what I call temporary happiness and confidence. It’s tricking myself into my positive emotion that triggers my opposite ones to intensify, as they spiral out of control. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a fear in growing up and moving on to a different life style. But other times, that theory seems to elude me simply due to the awareness in which what is wrong and what is right. Impulses are another sort in which my confidence starts to dwindle. Insane gruesome fantasy, plagues my mind. Like someone paralyzed watching their own horror movie in which they die slowly. My dreams seem reminiscent of my life style. The setting is dark underground filled with ominous tunnels that surround me as my stomach lays on the ground as I pick up the pieces. And other dreams that actually mean something to me are too distant and vague to interpret when I wake. Try drawing your most wanted possession on a chalk board blind with the eraser in the other hand. Then you watch yourself erase what would have been there and as it seemed unachievable at the same time. So as I come to a close on tonights analysis of myself, I continue what seems to be an eternity of self inflicted pain as I’m unaware of it.
Blukk Blukk
Sep 9, 2012