I Have Never Fit In With My Family... And I'm Just Fine

For as long as I can remember I have been the black sheep of my family. I have always been drawn to outside cultures, always felt the need for a "real" family that would accept me. I have always been into the exact opposite of what my family liked. I have been attracted to ethnic culture, food, music, and way of life period, and have never been ashamed of it. Though I've always had either my father, my mother or my sister tell me, "Thats not you, stop trying to be someone your not" or "stop acting".
I think now that I'm grown, as much as my parents claimed they had no issue with me being with someone of a different color, that was and is exactly the case. I come from a white background, my husband and most of my close friends are either black or spanish. Throughout my life everything has always been about making sure our family looked perfect to the rest of the world. My father spent most of his time working on gaining some type of power or growing his wealth.
He owned many expensive cars, multiple properties, and was boastful about it all. While growing up, despite my fathers lifestyle my sister and i had budget clothing, were made fun of because of it, though everyone said how rich our family was.
Outside of our immediate family, I did have a couple of cousins who by chance understood me, and were also different than the rest of my family. They loved culture just like me, not plain white middle class america.
On multiple occasions I have been ridiculed, talked about, had rumors spread, and lost friendship because I was me and didn't conform to how my blood family thought I should live.
Always amazed by how my own grandmother could make up rumors about me and never once ask me if what she was saying was true. I've been singled out on special occasions by other family members who would make excuses for the way I was... never once did I ask for this, I thought I was just fine the way I was, whats the excuse for.
always feeling like the black sheep, it took me almost 30 years to realize, I just don't fit in my family.... and its ok.
I'm fine, I have a wonderful husband that loves me for who I am, I have fabulous friends he never once thought there was anything wrong with and loved me unconditionally.
Not once had I had to change who I was to fit there scenario, or lifestyle.
Now I lead a life of what I want, I've stopped trying to please people who would just not be pleased. and I am much happier. I am back in school, doing exactly what I want to do with my life, married who I wanted to marry, and live at a nice 13 state distance from my family. I have to say, letting go and moving on was the best decision of my life. I learned to love people from a distance and pursue my dreams of happiness and everything will be ok.
thanks for reading, I hope this helps someone!!
rebgar81 rebgar81
2 Responses May 22, 2011

So did you just kinda cut your family off? Because I've always felt the same way you do about my own family. My father is a perfectly good man with whom I've had some good times with. But he hit my brother and I when we were kids and he's more on the judgemental side and I've never really felt like we have anything in common. It always feels like an effort talking to him and we have completely different views on gender and pairing.Whereas I was happy with a friend of mind who was on the tomboyish side, I would have never introduced her to my father for obvious reasons. And when I told my brother about her, it eventually led to a fight (which he won, being bigger) after he remarked how disgusting our relationship was, likening me to the woman in the relationship which I do not see. My mother complains about men and is a bit unstable and herself has used one of her boyfriends.A part of me wants to learn how to love my family again. But at the same time I dream of the day I finally escape. At the end of the day, you have to love family, right?

that great for you