From The Time I Was A Young Child I Was Never One of "them"

or part of the in crowd or one of them I was with at the time. I was always on the outside looking in, and it was lonely.
I have felt most of my life as if I was autistic really. just never fitting in- I longed to, to be accepted, liked, even loved or
admired openly. but I never was. it was always lonely were I stood. its not fair loving someone who is just not for you,
or your not good enough or old enough for them, or clever or pretty or young enough for them.

I longed to be half likeable, i long now for feeling worth while. I hate my body and I hate my life. I hate all the things
people stole from me that I wanted but were never ment to be mine.

I hate the way I could never stand up for anything, or good enough for someone half way good.

I hate my family and my inlaws especially. I hate my their games and evil plots to kill off the best parts of me.
All I ever get reminded of is my mistakes and the child abuse- what I did at the ripe age of 9- as if I knew much better at the time???
as if I was an expert on anything at the time? as if I could tell it was wrong or bad. it seemed ok for others to touch or hit or hurt me, or wreck my things so- how come it was like WW3 if I made the slightest mistake? can't it be given the minor thing it is - compared to the ages of the older kids who where in their teens who were abusing me when I was 7,8, or 9? they were 15,16 0r 17 and more. so how come my minor thing is a bigger crime then theirs?

I just want to move on from the guilt- the crippling, killing and diseased mind of all the guilt. one day I think I will committ suicide over it. I am angry at my the people in my life who played there mind games, how could I have been expected to know who they were or understand what they were about at that young age???? why are they so egoistic and punishing and rude and insulting to me? why are they so offended that I didn't understand their game? and that I was expected to know who they were and what they wanted?
I am sorry it insults them that I wasn't that trusting as a kid? it would only have taken a few minutes of their time and to look down from my prospective to Analise the problem if they truly had cared enough.

nothing in life really matters- I am just putting in time til death now. I will try my best to get something out of my life- but I can't ever forgive the people in my life who couldn't see some reason and decency and give me a chance all those years ago in my teens- I should have been worth a nice guys love and attention.

I just hate those smug people. god help me find peace within myself, a new life and no I don't want children now- I don't want to be 45 and puttingup with babies crying, or school crap or hassells, I don't want to be turning 60 with a teenager. to me 40 is too old to be having a baby for the first time. and i am worried my body just can't handle the pregnancy caring a baby for 9 months.

I want an exciting life now, a career or teenage existence. no hassells of mongrol kids. I fear I could end up being an abusive parent. I don't think I would enjoy breastfeeding, poopy nappies or crying, I don't think I would like like the stress of school and getting kids here and there. I wanted those things 20-15-10 years ago. not now. especially since the bloodclot thing- my leg is still a bit sore, I have been using heat packs and just kept moving.  I don't know if a spider bit me- they can spin a web into the blood causing a clot? or if its just me again with bad blood- but I fear having a collapse again anyway. i believe I had a blood clot in 2000.  carrying a baby for nine months just can't work for me.  besides my family has spastic genes.

I don't even want the ugly boppy clothes I have bought- they are for teens not old bags like me. I really should give them away to a sweet little girl out there somewhere who parents have nothing and give them the chance no one gave me!!!! that would make me happy to see a pretty teen get that - that I never got!

I am a 39 turning 40 year old - old bag. I want to look young and pretty. but what for? I don't even care for prettying myself for myself anymore. I want to be my age and be mature and sensible. I don't want to be an old bag that everyone laughs at cuz she wears teeny-bop clothes that are too young and is joke. what I missed out on - I missed . its over and gone and maybe that is a good thing. a new horizon of integrity and decency and comfortable country life is around the corner for me- I dearly want to own my own flower farm and live quietly. I would enjoy the odd times out with a nice young man with me. but I want quiet and recluse and I feel nothing for what i lost or missed out on.

god must have meant it to be this way- even if I struggle to understand why. i can't go back to that closed in catholic satanic abuse i lived in the 70's and 80's. I like the freedom of the late 80's.
i guess i don't need to fit in anymore. i didn't really fit in at uni, or in gim rsl and i didn't fit in around the bands.
i did fit in at college.
i want to feel free again.
czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 14, 2010

I feel sad after read your post and comment. I am sorry you went through so much. I just wanted to say too you are not a looser. To me you just sound like a lady who had an awfully rough go of it. <br />
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The fact that you care so much about your cats speaks volumes about what kind of person you are.

problem is I have to find a honest child that really has got nothing. but I would sooner leave all this stuff for mum to sell on ebay to help pay for the cats upkeep if I die...like should I euthanize the cats with me- in fear they would end up homeless or gassed to death in some sad and cruel shelter? i'm a looser- so what. ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!