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I Have Learned How


You know how it works with forgiveness. We fling out the "I'll never forgive you!" and hold onto the pain, torture, ill-feelings, betrayal, feeling stupid, our self-worth, self-esteem and self-image crumbling to dust. We lose trust, become relationship-shy, cynical, bitter, filled with hatred, acid burns our stomach, our heart is broken and suffers with stress-related physical effects. But we continue to hold on to unforgiveness, even becoming proud for doing so.

If we took time to examine this intellectually, rather than emotionally, we realise they do NOT deserve another moment of messing our lives up. How? Forgive them. Let it go. Put it behind you and push forward. Attend to yourself and examine where you are hurt and broken and take back the power you handed to them! Forgiveness is about freeing yourself first and foremost. 

Most times the other person goes on living a great life, unconcerned about you and your trauma and your wrecked life, or knowing but not caring or perhaps even revelling in it. Do yourself the greatest service you can - and forgive! For yourself X@
CatchCabby CatchCabby 56-60, F 6 Responses Jun 17, 2010

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Tech, I am so sorry you feel so alone. There are some great people here on EP who are caring, gentle, interested and often wise souls. I'd be happy to chat privately with you if you feel like it. I have been through quite a bit of trauma and loss, and I have been blessed to have come out the other side happy, well-adjusted and care for people who have experienced similar. I am not a psychologist or anything, but have had a little training in counselling, plus my own experience. Please just go with your gut feel. Some people on EP take delight in befriending hurting souls and then inflicting more hurt. Ask around within the circle and take what you are offered with some common sense and be a little guarded. Anonymity is the safeguard, don't fall into the trap of divulging personal contact details as that can lead to big trouble for you.<br />
I wish you well, I hope you find someone to talk things over with, who can help by listening only, or maybe offer insights you haven't considered. X@

You know, I've tried talking with my wife about it to get it off my chest and she doesn't want any part of it. She doesn't want to think about any stupidity she's been responsible for and effectively cut it out of her memory (a gift?). Unfortunately I'm alone a great deal of the time (back and forth to work, at work) and I listen to music. Absolutely nothing brings up memories as music so even attempts to find replacement doesn't work. I have no other friends and she's the closest thing to a "best friend" I'll ever have. Tried a shrink once and he dropped dead of heart attack after two visits (he was only 48). Never have I told another soul of my issues until now. I am going to be free even if it kills me.

Hi Tech9, forgetting is hard, and can be a constant stumbling block to getting back your life, I know. However, I have found that it is not a requirement for me. I found that forgiveness makes the memory easier to bear, and work through and indeed helped to take the awful pain out of the memory. I don't know what you've been through, but I have worked with and spoken with many, many people who have found the same thing to be true, whatever the situation. I hope you can regain your lost self, and work towards a much better, freer, future. X@

I am so incredibly sad reading this, your 1st paragraph sounds like me. I really tried to forgive or at least thought I did but am unable to forget. I have been mulling things over in my mind daily for the past 40 years and simply have no spirit left. I tried to regain my sense of self-worth but unfortunately never did. I am really bothered, perhaps even bitter now. thanks for listening

Tasmin I learned it the hard way, and the lesson repeated itself many times until I finally "GOT" it. But I am so grateful that I did get it and am now free! X@

Yes, this is so true.<br />
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Some people spend their entire lives in dispute. My own father was one .. court cases for justice took up years of his life but to no avail.<br />
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Like you say the other person just carried on and probably had a great life.