Can't Move On

She was the first girl I've ever loved. I had never felt anything like that for anyone, for a man or a woman. I was pretty young and naive, even though this story didn't happy long ago, but the scars of what happened burned my soul so deep that I feel like I got much older because of the pain. And now I feel lost, hopeless, forced to live a life that I didn't choose - it was chosen for me, imposed on me in a way that I don't know how to change it. I consider myself an independent and strong woman who never take crap from anyone and who always fights for everything, but this is the one thing I don't know how to deal with, and it's killing me inside.

Two years ago I met a girl in college. She was a freshman, I was a sophomore and we became friends because we attended the same parties and stuff. She didn't like her colleagues much, so she started hanging out with my friends and that's how we got closer. I was dating a guy at the time and I kinda liked him, but I wasn't in love - though back then I thought I was, because I had never been in a relationship and I wasn't sure about what love was for real. He broke up with me around September (it was 2009) and I was sad, because I didn't know what I did wrong. This girl, who I'm going to call Marta, was really sensitive and noticed that I was sad; as I've always been a closed and proud person, I never told anyone when I felt bad. She took me to a party, we got drunk and ended up making out. It was just for fun and didn't mean anything, but I felt something when I kissed her that I never felt with anyone else.

We got closer because she understood me and she knew what I was feeling even when I didn't say it (and I never say it). I soon noticed that Marta was sort of a problematic person: she had an eating disorder and she cut herself when she was sad. I wanted to take care of her and to make her feel better. It was a very intense friendship. She was my best friend and we were together all the time. It was no surprise for anyone when I discovered I was in love with her - except for me.

After the sexuality struggle, I decided to go for it and told her I was in love. She said she liked me a lot too, but she wasn't sure if it was love, because we made out often and we had chemistry but she was so used to see me as a friend that it would be hard to change that. For a month I went after her and insisted that we would be great together, that our relationship was walking towards it and that it wouldn't make sense to be friends anymore, since we were always jealous of each other with other people and we were so great together. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to try. If things got wrong, we could always go back to being friends. I was so, so, SO naive back then that sometimes I can't believe it. So was she.

So I practily forced her to date me when I said that I would get distant if she didn't want to become my girlfriend, because I couldn't deal with my feelings if she wasn't feeling the same. She was very dependant and I was like a mother to her - I was the only one who knew about all her problems and issues and at that point she couldn't live without me (not in a healthy or romantic way, but in a SICK way). At the time, I thought all the effort was valid and soon I would make she see what I could already see: that we were soulmates. Made for each other.

That's how she became my girlfriend, and it was the first serious relationship for both of us. Actually, we were both virgins. It was May of 2010 and I was so happy that I thought my heart was going to explode. It was clear for anyone who saw us that she wasn't so into it, but was blinded by the feeling of love and victory, 'cause after all I had won a quest. Looking back, it had always been about control and pride to me. Things in my life are very often about that, but I didn't know that at the time.

Anyway, we had a huge fight in June because we were traveling with our friends and they were partying hard (kissing everyone), so she was torn because she wanted to do that too and she couldn't because she was in a relationship. I was really sad when she told me that, but I said that it she didn't felt like being me girlfriend, she could just break up with me. However, I would become distant fot a while, because I had to stop being in love with her so we could be friends again. She said no and decided she wanted to be with me.

We had really nice times and around August it really seemed like she loved me back. The only problem was that we couldn't had sex - when i tried doing it to her, she asked me to stop it because it hurt. And she never tried doing it to me. I was pacient because I loved her; I never forced anything and always respected her. Marta used to get sick all the time, so I always took her to the hospital and stood by her side. She complained a lot about everything and I listened. I gave her a job that I would never give to someone so young and inexperienced, because she asked me for it and I was so in love that I didn't even thought about the risks. But we fought a lot, and once or twice I noticed her flerting with other people, even though I was right there. All these times I asked her what was going on and if she wanted to break up, but she always said it was all in my head and that she loved me.

To help her with her issues, I convinced her to see a psychiatrist, which she did. She started to sort things out in her head and became more independent. Last December she really wanted to travel and I didn't, but she convinced me to do it using an emotional blackmail: she said that I ruinned last new year's eve for her (we were travelling together and had a fight), so I had to make it up. I felt bad and decided to give her the best trip ever. She didn't have to worry about anything; I would drive, find a place to stay, a group of friends to go with us and everything.

The second we got there, thing got really heavy. She was distant and wouldn't even touch me. Marta soon started talking an awful lot with a boy that was there, a friend of a friend. I didn't thought it was anything, but some of my friends tried to alert me. I trusted her so deeply, not because she was my girlfriend, but because she was my best friend. And best friends do not hurt each other. I even asked her if something was going on, but again she said it was all in my head and she loved me.

On the very first day of January, everything felt appart. We were talking on our room and I said we were very distant lately. She agreed and said it was time to break up. I was devasted, because I never expected her to do it. But she did, on the first day of this year, in the middle of a trip, with all my friends laughing and having fun in the living room. I cried. I begged for her to not do it. All the stuff I never thought I would do, all the humiliation I never thought I would accept. She said no. And yet, I had to endure it for 3 days and the whole trip back to our town, without saying a word to not ruin everyone's trip.

So a whole new life had begun: a life without her. I couldn't breath when I thought about it. I used to live for her, spend every single second of my day with her or thinking about her. I was so devoted to this girl that I put my whole existence on hold just to make her happy - and yet, I failed. When she got better from her issues and when she realized she didn't need me to get on her feet, she throw me away like if I was a piece of garbage. And when I realized that, I was SO ANGRY that I immediately stopped loving her and started to hate her with all my heart and all the strenght I had inside of me.

Marta did come back for me. She did call me hundreds of times, emailed me, asked my friends about me. She even went to the place I work to talk to me. One day, she called me crying and said she couldn't live without me and missed talking to me, so if she needed to be my girlfriend again to do that she was willing to do so. I was even angrier. How could someone be so selfish, so careless? I told her a lot of things about her that she didn't enjoy listening. I yelled at her several times. During one of this phone fights, I found out that not only she was seeing that boy from our trip, but she was also sleeping with him - even though she wouldn't have sex with me after 7 months. She even introduced the guy to my friends, less then a month after we broke up. I felt humiliated and it really hurt my pride. It felt like she was trying to make me feel bad, but she had done quite enough already.

Well, it's been almost 6 months since we broke up and I still feel the exactly same HATE that I felt on the first day. Nothing has changed. We don't speak anymore, but we still have the same friends and she goes to my college, so I eventualy see her or hear about her. Two weeks ago she took another guy to a party and introduced him to all my friends. It always seems that she won't lose a chance to humilate me; at least that's how I see it, because I'm so proud and it hurts my pride badly every time.

I don't know what to do. By now, I don't think  about her anymore, but anytime I see her or hear about her I feel like killing her with my own bare hands. I really think that if I could forgive, I would be able to move on with my life. I've tried, but I can't. She took everything I had, even some of my friends. She took my self steem and she made me feel like a gigantic fool. She also turn my heart cold, because now I don't know if I'll ever trust someone again. I hate her so much that I can barely think straight, and this is keeping me from moving on.

What can I do?
mugcup21 mugcup21
18-21, F
May 13, 2011