Killer Emotions

These past weeks have been really hard for me. My best friend violated a trust that broke our bond and completely devastated me. I've been through so much already and I couldnt understand why he hurt me the way I did and left me alone to pick up the pieces. The feeling of betrayal was so deep that I wanted to die. Not necessarily because he cant be in my life, but because the idea of continually opening up and being a good friend only to be hurt and abandoned scares me. Being diagnosed with mood and anxiety disorders made me extra cautious. So much so that I ignored real signs because I felt like I was being delusional. When I found out that I was right, I was emotionally shocked and shook.

I yelled and cussed, and cried. I was so pissed off. I did research that made me realize I was emotionally abused. This made me even more mad!!!!! I sent him plenty of shame on you text and emails. Kind of obsessively. The horse is already dead!!!!!!!!!!! Why do I keep beating it? I realized that I was having a manic episode that was triggered by what he did. Despite the yelling and screaming, he calmly said I need to let go of the pain to heal. And then I got even more mad! I felt like that was very easy for him to say because he wasnt in my shoes. He never yelled back, or called me names. Which confused me even more because I had already written him off as being evil. This didnt seem evil at all.

Today he told me to read "Your Killer Emotions" by Ken Lindner. I wanted to yell, "You go read a damn book!", but I didnt. I got the book. It opened my eyes to show me that as valid as my emotions were, my holding on to them is hurting me. And its true. I've been ultra depressed, not eating much, not leaving my bed and always crying. I was going absolutely nuts. And it hurt me the most, because my day was the only one affected.

Truthfully, I dont normally feel emotions. I've been hurt so bad for so long, I just ignored them and put them in a box. As a psychology major I knew that this would backfire on me, but I didnt know how to work past the pain or if was even possible. I actually still dont know how, but I have more understanding. I've been silenced for so long. I cant stop screaming "Stop hurting me!". I feel so beat up and tired. I know they hear me, but I cant stop screaming. So now, Im hurting me, and I dont know how to stop. My box is overflowing.

Ironically, my daughters' father, who has been a dead beat for the last 8 years reemerged. To me, they remind me of each other because they both can be the voice of reason in a crazy situation they caused. We spoke today like good times, which is weird because I thought I would never be civil to him again. He left be with a baby while I was homeless living with nuns. I did so many things I wish I didnt so that we could survive. I felt like abandoning his child was unforgivable. And hurting me was unforgettable. But I chose him to be the father of my child, and she has the right to know who he is. By forgiving him for the sake of her, he had some encouraging words to help through this situation.

I believe that the scars he left behind made this wound deeper, but I am glad that he was able to bring some comfort in my time of need. Shocking!!!!!!!!!!

I am not excusing either of their behaviors. I still like they both treated me poorly and it really hurts. But if I was able to forgive my daughters' father, then why not my bestie? What he did certainly was not as bad. By my lashing out, my very valid claim starts to seem less valid. In fact, my lashing out makes me an emotional abuser too. It makes them scared to tell me how they feel, which leaves so many questions unanswered. So I do need to let go of my anger and resentment. Can somebody please help me do it? How can you tell the difference between loving unconditionally and being a fool? I dont think I've ever been this honest to say Im in trouble and I need help

Right now I dont think its in my best interest to be friends with either, but a neutral ground of toxic free energy is good for the soul.
loudsilence1 loudsilence1
26-30, F
6 Responses Jan 11, 2013

I going through those emotions as i sit here. Not even the medications help, what helps is not lying to myself and see things for what they are. Understanding that I trusted this person with secrets ive held in for 34 yrs. I decided to be positive about it and now i can move ahead cuz i have nothing more to hide. Thank you for writting this, I know that i don't have it has bad. Now, i won't feel sorry for myself..Thank You

Anger / resentment can be addictive.

Have you done 4th step work on these emotions ?

I live in Australia by the way.

It's late here so am off to sleep in 5 minutes.

Do you prefer suggestions in this thread or in a private message ?

Bob

In the thread is fine because it can help other people :-)

Are you venting or seeking some tools to try ?

I guess it was a lil of both

Never let anyone treat you badly, and if it's someone you can easily let go of like a friend then do it because you don't have family ties to them and by letting them go you know they'll never hurt you again. I don't know wether that's the best choice or not but It's something I do often.

I admire you so much, young lady! You are so strong! You have so much insight! Please, don't give up! The story of your life is so moving, so inspiring! If you can get safely to shore, and, as much as possible, get over all this, heal, you could help so many other people, so many other young ladies!