The Grudge...s

I don't know where it came from, this habit of begrudging ppl for wronging me and my loved ones. Maybe it grew from my mum's nasty habit of never letting a mistake go - always bringing it up again and again to **** me [and many others] off.

Anyway, I'm not one of those ppl who can't keep up a silent treatment to save their lives. I can be pretty stubborn and cold this way. It's cost me potential friends before - turned off by what they perceived to be a heartedless *****. Maybe I do lose a little bit of my heart when I draw another grudge to me. I could get all dramatic and say, "Oh my, the burden of carrying all these grudges does get so tiresome and heavy sometimes!" But that wouldn't be entirely correct, I think. The part of me that can't forgive so easily lets me feel vindicated in holding my grudges. In my head, I churn over the events/words/actions, over and over, until I have picked it to pieces and feel like I know it back to front, all the arguments and sides and feelings and thoughts and suggestions and opinions. Impossible, I know - everyone is utterly unique, and you can't presume to judge ppl, musichead! - but in my heart that's what I feel.

I know that in the future, this nasty habit of mine is only going to cost me more. And yet I don't feel any inclination to change my ways. To me, wrongs MUST be righted before they can be forgiven and laid to rest in the past, through revenge [bad, yeah] or redemption.

BowsAndBones BowsAndBones
18-21, F
3 Responses Jul 20, 2007

Sounds like what I used to do, then I stopped doing it and married an emotionally abusive man. So, for all I know I n my many years of relationships, you are doing it right. With friends, howeve, I am more forgiving or there would be none left.

I don't there's anything wrong with being unforgiving, seems quite wise to me. If someone wrongs you, toss them out of your life. I never forgive anyone anything.

You're probably right [pun unintended]...*waits for karma's kick to come*