Sorry I Pissed You Off. I'll Try To Do A Better Job At Not Existing.

Ah, Mommy Dearest.

Lovely woman. Making me feel ever so unimportant, unappreciative, demanding and selfish since the day I decided that I wanted to think for myself. Gee. Who'd've thought it? The same woman who urged me to be my own person, have my own life, and think for myself wants me to stay under her thumb and let her control me for.....well. Until she gets tired of it.

We haven't gotten along since I hit my teenage years. Since then, it's been a constant struggle to simply be in the same room with one another and not be pissed off. Everytime it appears that we might be able to get along, invariably, I **** her off, and the fight starts again.

Well, to be honest, I suppose it's really one fight with dormant spots and active spots. But it's been a long one, and I'm ready to either get the hell out of dodge and never look back, or solve it and come to some kind of conclusion before I get the hell out of dodge and never look back. Either way, I'm getting the hell out of dodge and I'm not looking back.

It's so ridiculously pointless to even argue with her. She's a fan of rhetorical monologues--You know, the long so-called "talks" she has with me. Translation: she yells at me and asks me questions that she doesn't really want an answer to. Then, when she does ask me a question that she (supposedly) wants me to answer, she already has one in her head that she thinks I'll say, that I should say, or that I need to say. How do I know? Every time I answer (and mind you, I'm honest with her then. So much for "the truth will set you free". All it does is **** her off even more. Fabulous.), I'm told that what I said "is not an answer". So I try again. No dice. Wrong answer. Why? Because I'm not telling her what she wants to hear. And when I'm honest again and simply ask what answer she wants so I can repeat it back to her, she gets pissed off AGAIN (yeah, cause I SO didn't see that one coming.), and tells me that I need to "stop being a ******* smart *** and answer the God damn question".

As you can see, there's no winning here. To me, it's obvious that she's actually upset and hurt by whatever it is I do wrong all the time, and so, to mask that fact, she gets pissed off. And when I ask her what answer she wants, it makes her angrier because she doesn't like the fact that I know she has an answer that she wants to hear. She doesn't want to admit to that. So what she does the logical thing: she gets defensive and aggressive.

See, I may be dumb enough to get into a lot of trouble with her, but I'm not dumb enough to sit there and poke the bear with a stick while it's backed into a corner.

So now the fights are mostly mean spirited and role-switched. While my mother has now resorted to using comments like, "You worthless piece of ****.", "You'll never get into college.", "Fine! Go get knocked up and live with an abusive boyfriend who'll dump your sorry *** and leave you with your 12 ******* children and no education in a ******* trailer park!" and my personal favorite, the poor-pitiful-mommy, "I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother!", I have now become the one who stays silent and just watches her. I say nothing (that'll only make it worse) and I do nothing unless she says the magic words: "Get the **** out of my sight. I don't want to see you.".

All in all, I figure that me going off to my private school in August and then going off to college the next school year will make it a little better. Because, as of right now, I highly doubt that I'm going to bother trying to see my family again.
whispersong whispersong
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 21, 2010

ohh my goodness; this sounds exactly like my situation. seriously, all of it. thanks for sharing this story; it's nice to know i'm not completely alone or mentally insane. best of luck to you.<3