She Can't Be There For Anyone

I wish my mom could be here for me right now. I wish so badly I could pick up a phone and call her. I hate saying it would be easier to say if she was dead as then I would have a reason to not be able to get support from my mom but the truth is she can't support anyone. She can't help even herself at times. I have learned since I was 6 yrs old to be strong and be my own person. To take care of myself. When my dad left my mom sank into a deep depression and we had no money so I went out and pretended to collect canned goods for a food drive so we could eat. Instead of her raising me I took care of her after my father left.

My mother is bipolor and wont get treatment for it. At one point in my life she finally did and while on her medication she was the mom I always wished I had. We painted our nails and hung out and laughed. One night during a fight my stepfather said "did you not take your meds today? what the hell is wrong with you?" She never wanted that tossed in her face again so she flushed her meds and never went back to a doctor. She medicates with booze as does my stepfather for whatever his problem is. How they have been married 30 years is beyond me. I always expect to get a call that they have killed each other with how violent their marriage is. I would run away to get away just to get a break. Thing is as much as she drives me nuts I miss the mom I should have had and wish things had been different.  I feel robbed of what everyone else had. A mom to help them. My mom never came to my baby shower, wouldn't help me pick out a wedding dress and really never wanted to be around her grandchild and when she did talk to them it became toxic fast and soon to painful for them that I had to stop them from talking to her for their safety.

I really wish things were different.
dreamingkitty dreamingkitty
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 19, 2010

"I miss the mom I should have had and wish things had been different. I feel robbed of what everyone else had. " I can really relate to that feeling but I try not to hold onto it for too long lest I'll grow bitter. I just try and do my best to be an awesome Mom to my own kidlets so they never have to feel that way.