My Mum Doesn't Get Along With Me...

At 16 my mum and dad kicked me out of home I am the oldest daughter of 4 children. 5 years has passed and nothing much has changed she still blackmails me she still plays games with my head and she uses my brother and sisters against me. When I left she told me I would be good for nothing - living out of home I finished school (yr 12) I got an awesome job making some serious money and I am with a beautiful man who cares for me and worships the ground I walk in. Two years ago we left town and moved 2100kms away because it was too hard and I was suffering from the pain very bad. We now are living our dream - beautiful destination both with great jobs and a nice lifestyle. My mum did not come looking for me she did not even care I had left. Now I have contacted her (through my nan who also betrayed me) she is still making me feel confused worthless and as if she doesn't care - she is playing games again and I don't feel like I can trust her - I want my mum to be proud of me and I want my family to be in my life - I have missed out on so many moments, she has poisoned my siblings against me and I just want to forget about the past and move forward but she can't do that - this is killing me not being a part of my family and not feeling like I belong. I hate birthdays and I hate Christmas - 5 years ago I honestly believe "in 5 years time everything will be better and we will be a family again." 5 years down the track and it is even worse. I don't know anything about my real father, I don't know a name or anything and mum has clearly told me I will never find out who my real father is when I asked why what happened she refused to tell me - I want to know why I am not allowed to know him - I am hurting so much it cannot be described all I want is my family. Any thoughts on how to deal with the pain and how to cope with missing them all??? I am trying everything
Tryingbutlost Tryingbutlost
18-21
Dec 13, 2012