I Don't Get Along With My Mom
I'm just here so I can vent all the things about my life that I wouldn't dare say to anyone in real life.
Everything started when I was 6, and in 1st grade. This year, was the year when I got my first beating. One day, I forgot to do homework because I was new to this homework thing, since there was none in Kindergarten. I wasn't used to it, so I just forgot. The teacher notified my mom, and my mom was all smiles, going all like "It's OK, it's normal to forget, he's just getting used to having homework anyways." I thought it was going to be alright for me, no trouble, no beating, and I swore to myself I won't let it happen again. Then, when we get home, right after she closes the door when we walk inside, she turns around and gives me a threatening look. She told me to wait where I was standing, so I did. She goes into her room, I don't know what for, and she comes back out with a clothes hanger. I was confused...until she gave me 10 quick lashes. Now when I think about it, it didn't look like she held back on me. Seriously, I'm just a kid. Tears rushed out of my eyes after the 1st lash. She pulled my hair, dragging me to the backyard, and threatened to feed me dirt from the grass, and I was so scared too. After that, I still loved my mother, just a little dislike now. After that, I did well for the rest of my Elementary School years.
Then, came middle school. I came into 7th right off that bat because my Elementary School had a 6th grade. I had no orientation, so I knew absolutely nothing about periods, and also, my middle school had a 1st break, 2nd break, as well as 1st and 2nd lunch, to prevent over crowding. I knew nothing of that either. It depends on your teacher whether they have class during either break. Without knowing, I spent a week going out to both breaks and lunches, until I learned the system. Within the first week, I had a C in History class, but I managed to get all A's in my others. I come home, and because my mom could check my grades online, she saw that C. From all the years of praise I got from my mother in elementary school, she decides to beat me for that ONE C, which could easily be fixed. Without knowing my side of the story, she thinks with her hand first, and then her brain later. Then, came the verbal beating. She said "Do you even have a brain inside you? Even a dog knows better than you!" That hurt. For some reason, I let my grade drop down to an F in that class, getting me into deeper water. I was always fond of video games, but because of the F, at the end of the year, my mom punished me by cutting off all video games completely, until I get out of high school. 8th grade, I did so much better. I got my **** back together and worked my butt off to get a 4.0, putting me in honor roll. What happens? No praise, no lift from the video game ban. That made me mad.
After graduation, comes high school, and things took a turn for the worse. I was a bit depressed, and let all my grades slip into a variety of C's, D's, and only one B, and A+, which was P.E. of course. Then the same thing happens again, I get beat, verbally abused, and end of story.
Then, in 10th grade, **** got real. Same story basically, just an F added into my grades, and I get beat to the point where blood seeped out like a waterfall. Why? My mom broke 6 clothes hangers on me, and was able to hit on the same spots a lot of times. Then says "Your grades are a piece of ****, you don't know how to do anything in this house, you're worse than a dog! I don't know anyone who has worse grades than you do! Just drop dead, or wait till' you're 18 and get homeless and start feeding yourself with ****." From the point on, I started to hate my mom, and in all these years, fostered all my anger without venting. This, was when I learned to fight back. This, also made my heart stone cold. I felt like if my mom died, I wouldn't cry at all. In fact, I would not even feel a bit of sorrow. Now, I am super sensitive to anything she says to me. If she nags me just one bit, I would already start to feel pissed, and it just ruins my mood.
Now, I'm in my Junior year. Feeling completely demotivated, drained of all hope, I just watch my grades slip, and as of now, I have 4 F's, 1 B, and 1 A. Ever since elementary school, I have rarely gotten any words of encouragement from my mom. My dad supports me, but I feel like my mom has the bigger impact on me. Because of my grades, I get screamed at everyday, even for the littlest things that I do wrong. She knows that beating me won't work anymore, because I won't feel the pain. My level of anger is so high, pain just slips by without denting me. But, she takes advantage of the one thing that would actually hurt me: my feelings. She crossed the line. She said "Had I known that you were going to be like this in the future, I would've pinched your nose back when you were still little to cut your breathing!", "You call yourself a human? You're worse than a dog! A dog would know how to protect his owner and house, but you? You're just a pile of ****, a parasite, who feeds off of my food, and my money, and is a waste of space! Just you wait. Wait for your black future to smack you right in the face when I'm done with you!"
Now, I just went mad. The first time ever, in which I yelled so loud, talked backed so loud to my mom, till' the point where I swore at her for the first time ever. I was almost to the melting point, ready to deal physical damage, but I suddenly remembered all the times when she was good to me, when I felt loved. I just couldn't bring myself to it. So, I put down my clenched fist, walking upstairs back to my room, without un-clenching my fist. I was unable to let go of the newly found hatred, force fed, and sunken into my heart by my own mother. I swore a vengeance upon her. I would repay her back what she had done to me tenfold. But, I still could not imagine myself doing so. I was unwilling to stoop to her level. I dreamed, of finding love, having a child, and raising him or her without the methods incorporated upon me by my mother. Unspoiled and perfect, I would then show him/her to my mother, to see how perfect her grandchild is, to point out the wrongs my mother committed against me.
As of now, I'm still in my Junior year, waiting for my mom to kick me out of the house when I'm 18. All I am now is a person who feels isolated. The only ones who cheer me up are my friends. They don't know anything about my personal background though. I never leaked my story to a soul. Outside, I am a cheerful person, funny, smart, and social. But on the inside, I feel empty, lonely, and hateful. I hate feigning smiles when I'm down, but I do it for my alter ego. I look at other students and see authentic smiles, and their outgoing personality. I question to myself whether or not they go through what I have to go through. It makes me feel isolated, and insecure. I just wonder if I'm alone in this world.
But anyways, I'm grateful for this website and if you are reading this, thank you. I have thought of suicide before, but I still have a glimpse of hope inside of me, because the future is unseen, and I don't know what is ahead for me. I'm on this earth for a reason, and I will find it. It will come to light, I know it. I still have much to live for. Again, if you are reading this to the end, I want to thank you at the bottom of my heart. I feel very relieved of all burdens after sharing my story here. :)
Everything started when I was 6, and in 1st grade. This year, was the year when I got my first beating. One day, I forgot to do homework because I was new to this homework thing, since there was none in Kindergarten. I wasn't used to it, so I just forgot. The teacher notified my mom, and my mom was all smiles, going all like "It's OK, it's normal to forget, he's just getting used to having homework anyways." I thought it was going to be alright for me, no trouble, no beating, and I swore to myself I won't let it happen again. Then, when we get home, right after she closes the door when we walk inside, she turns around and gives me a threatening look. She told me to wait where I was standing, so I did. She goes into her room, I don't know what for, and she comes back out with a clothes hanger. I was confused...until she gave me 10 quick lashes. Now when I think about it, it didn't look like she held back on me. Seriously, I'm just a kid. Tears rushed out of my eyes after the 1st lash. She pulled my hair, dragging me to the backyard, and threatened to feed me dirt from the grass, and I was so scared too. After that, I still loved my mother, just a little dislike now. After that, I did well for the rest of my Elementary School years.
Then, came middle school. I came into 7th right off that bat because my Elementary School had a 6th grade. I had no orientation, so I knew absolutely nothing about periods, and also, my middle school had a 1st break, 2nd break, as well as 1st and 2nd lunch, to prevent over crowding. I knew nothing of that either. It depends on your teacher whether they have class during either break. Without knowing, I spent a week going out to both breaks and lunches, until I learned the system. Within the first week, I had a C in History class, but I managed to get all A's in my others. I come home, and because my mom could check my grades online, she saw that C. From all the years of praise I got from my mother in elementary school, she decides to beat me for that ONE C, which could easily be fixed. Without knowing my side of the story, she thinks with her hand first, and then her brain later. Then, came the verbal beating. She said "Do you even have a brain inside you? Even a dog knows better than you!" That hurt. For some reason, I let my grade drop down to an F in that class, getting me into deeper water. I was always fond of video games, but because of the F, at the end of the year, my mom punished me by cutting off all video games completely, until I get out of high school. 8th grade, I did so much better. I got my **** back together and worked my butt off to get a 4.0, putting me in honor roll. What happens? No praise, no lift from the video game ban. That made me mad.
After graduation, comes high school, and things took a turn for the worse. I was a bit depressed, and let all my grades slip into a variety of C's, D's, and only one B, and A+, which was P.E. of course. Then the same thing happens again, I get beat, verbally abused, and end of story.
Then, in 10th grade, **** got real. Same story basically, just an F added into my grades, and I get beat to the point where blood seeped out like a waterfall. Why? My mom broke 6 clothes hangers on me, and was able to hit on the same spots a lot of times. Then says "Your grades are a piece of ****, you don't know how to do anything in this house, you're worse than a dog! I don't know anyone who has worse grades than you do! Just drop dead, or wait till' you're 18 and get homeless and start feeding yourself with ****." From the point on, I started to hate my mom, and in all these years, fostered all my anger without venting. This, was when I learned to fight back. This, also made my heart stone cold. I felt like if my mom died, I wouldn't cry at all. In fact, I would not even feel a bit of sorrow. Now, I am super sensitive to anything she says to me. If she nags me just one bit, I would already start to feel pissed, and it just ruins my mood.
Now, I'm in my Junior year. Feeling completely demotivated, drained of all hope, I just watch my grades slip, and as of now, I have 4 F's, 1 B, and 1 A. Ever since elementary school, I have rarely gotten any words of encouragement from my mom. My dad supports me, but I feel like my mom has the bigger impact on me. Because of my grades, I get screamed at everyday, even for the littlest things that I do wrong. She knows that beating me won't work anymore, because I won't feel the pain. My level of anger is so high, pain just slips by without denting me. But, she takes advantage of the one thing that would actually hurt me: my feelings. She crossed the line. She said "Had I known that you were going to be like this in the future, I would've pinched your nose back when you were still little to cut your breathing!", "You call yourself a human? You're worse than a dog! A dog would know how to protect his owner and house, but you? You're just a pile of ****, a parasite, who feeds off of my food, and my money, and is a waste of space! Just you wait. Wait for your black future to smack you right in the face when I'm done with you!"
Now, I just went mad. The first time ever, in which I yelled so loud, talked backed so loud to my mom, till' the point where I swore at her for the first time ever. I was almost to the melting point, ready to deal physical damage, but I suddenly remembered all the times when she was good to me, when I felt loved. I just couldn't bring myself to it. So, I put down my clenched fist, walking upstairs back to my room, without un-clenching my fist. I was unable to let go of the newly found hatred, force fed, and sunken into my heart by my own mother. I swore a vengeance upon her. I would repay her back what she had done to me tenfold. But, I still could not imagine myself doing so. I was unwilling to stoop to her level. I dreamed, of finding love, having a child, and raising him or her without the methods incorporated upon me by my mother. Unspoiled and perfect, I would then show him/her to my mother, to see how perfect her grandchild is, to point out the wrongs my mother committed against me.
As of now, I'm still in my Junior year, waiting for my mom to kick me out of the house when I'm 18. All I am now is a person who feels isolated. The only ones who cheer me up are my friends. They don't know anything about my personal background though. I never leaked my story to a soul. Outside, I am a cheerful person, funny, smart, and social. But on the inside, I feel empty, lonely, and hateful. I hate feigning smiles when I'm down, but I do it for my alter ego. I look at other students and see authentic smiles, and their outgoing personality. I question to myself whether or not they go through what I have to go through. It makes me feel isolated, and insecure. I just wonder if I'm alone in this world.
But anyways, I'm grateful for this website and if you are reading this, thank you. I have thought of suicide before, but I still have a glimpse of hope inside of me, because the future is unseen, and I don't know what is ahead for me. I'm on this earth for a reason, and I will find it. It will come to light, I know it. I still have much to live for. Again, if you are reading this to the end, I want to thank you at the bottom of my heart. I feel very relieved of all burdens after sharing my story here. :)
By:
GunmetalGray
Age:
16-17
,
Male
