We Are Not Talking

My mom and I have a real history of fighting and not getting along. I really feel like I tried to make it work all this time but its so hard when you have to be the adult and make all the effort and take all the responsibility and blame when things are wrong. I made a hard decision a little over a month ago to not have any relationship at all when my mom broke a commitment to take care of my school loan. Since I decided to end our relationship she wrote me a really hateful email and I responded by just dealing with the situation but I did not insult her in any way. Again I am being the bigger person. The questions that still comes up for me is how do I let go of the past and heal our relationship? Do I have a right to really never talk to my mom again?? How do I forgive and forget?? There are things that happened in childhood that feel unforgivable to me but I know people who have had worse and can get past it so why cant I. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Bellezza Bellezza
26-30, F
3 Responses Jul 18, 2007

Basically, how I deal with complicated stories with people is to plan. I plan the things I want to tell the person, so I won't say anything unnecessary, nor will I miss anything important. Next, I ask a person whether he/she is willing to give me 10 or whatever minutes of their time to hear me out without interruptions. I go for it without expecting any results because expectations can screw things up big time. My goal is to make the person aware exactly (!) how I feel and it's their own business what they will do with this information. Some are not responsive, which is their problem, not mine. Some realize things later on. So, I gather up everything I have and pour out my feelings with no reservations. There's no room for pride or embarrassment. In your case, I would tell her what you told us and much more (there must be much more). It feels like you both came to a fork in your relationship and they way you both take is your personal responsibility. Tell her things you love about her, tell her how much you crave a good relationship with her but then tell her what bothers you and how much she has hurt you in the past and present.<br />
I agree that the fact that a person is your relative doesn't mean you must tolerate him/her if your life is miserable because of it. But you could take a chance and improve things.<br />
Whatever I said is common sense, so I don't even know if it's of any help at all. Hopefully it is.

It's (sort of) good to notice I'm not the only one with mother issues. Sounds similar to my mother. A lot of stuff that went down in my childhood could be blamed on her youth and stupidity, possibly... But the reasons why she still blames me for everything that doesn't go/ I don't do her way, is not fair. I won't go into detail here, but basically for all my life she hasn't treated me fairly, and honestly I've been trying to find a good memory, but seems impossible! I've been torn with the question of kicking her to the curb or not lately myself as well... So far, no answer :S

We are told to "honor" our parents. But, the Bible says in the very next verse that parents are not to provoke their children to wrath. No one seems to quote this part though. Your mother and mine sound so very much alike. We had a sort of truce for a long time but when my father died she seemed bent on shoving all three of her children out of her life one by one. I was the last one and since our relationship had been the rockiest the ending was also the worst of the group. She actually tried to have me arrested and when that didn't work tried to sue me in civil court. Nothing came of it but I still had to deal with the fall out and legal fees. Listen, God expects us to forgive but he does not expect us to be continual doormats. He even told us to shake the dust off our feet and move on when faced with this type of dug in hostility. Yes, you must forgive and should also try to find some good memories to hang onto, but you are well within your rights as an individual to exclude people from your life who bring you nothing but bad. Just because a person is a relative by accident of birth does not give them the freedom to mess up your life and cause you unhappiness.