A Bad Day For Us Today...

we've just had another fight a couple of hours ago. i don't believe it. i came home and she was already there at the door waiting to let me in. gave me a big hug when i stepped in, and then took my coat off. my sis wasn't home, so i asked where she was - m answered that my sis was in civic. very loving, very motherly. so then we started talking, as you do. about the conference up in sydney my dad was about to go to, & possibly take my mum, if she would go. she was fretting that someone would break in and rape my sister and i while they were gone. i repeatedly assured her that we would be FINE, esp. since i would be going to be with a knife by my side, and many of my friends had been in the same situation before and survived very well. we've been over this many times before - i thought that she should just go - 1] she & my dad should have a holiday and 2] i can't stand [can't survive] 3 days with her. so yadda yadda yadda, there's a lull in the conversation, and then i just ask her innocently what she's been up to all day. and then she explodes. "i've vaccumed the house, i washed the dishes - what the **** do you want me to do?! do i have to become a ***** so you can buy all your clothes and ****?! what the **** do you want me to do?! get three jobs?!" by this point i am flabbergasted, and i try to calm her and tell her i wasn't accusing her of anything. next thing i know, she's dragging out our last fight [which was caused allegedly by my back-chatting to her, and ended when she whacked me], screaming that my new school is turning me into a dirty-mouth with no respect for anyone. next she drags out my little grudge against my cousin [who i have mentioned in other stories] and screams "he doesn't like you b/c you're a rude arrogant *****!" to which i reply as calmly as i can "i don't NEED him to like me." her eyes have that crazed look that tells me she's not about to stop any time soon. i'm still trying to find out what i did/said wrong, and trying to ask her calm questions about what is so rude with what i'm saying and asking her why on earth she is hollering at me. it's as though she's incapable of normal speech, b/c she shrieks in my face that my sister is a tramp and so what if they [being my 'rents] let her go out. "i can't ******* stop her!" she screams. to summarise the next 10mins, she also accused me of dictating to her and rudely demanding things of her [i.e. i warn my 'rents that my sis disregards what they say - and it's not just me. my sis is well aware she can manipulate them - she told me herself]. i'm tellling her that i'm not ordering her around or telling her how to live her life. she can't take it anymore, grabs my wrist and starts to lift her other hand - so i wrench myself away. she thinks i'm trying to attack her, so she goes for it. moly. and i can't believe how far this has escalated. she's screaming at me to get the **** away and ******* get out of her sight. so i scramble up, and i'm getting my bag to flee, and she's throwing all this **** at me - the catalogues, my coat, my boots - whatever she can reach without getting up. i seriously am in shock. now i'm holed up in my room and she's out there screeching new names for me, such as *****, *****, ****, tramp, no-hoper, monsterface, druggie-to-be, useless pig, ugly ho, etc.
i don't know why i'm so shocked. i thought i was pretty  used to this sort of **** from her. i was trying to work it out one day, just remembering it all, and came up with the figure that at least every fortnight there is a bust-up between me and my mummy dearest, and every time there is a major fight [involves screaming, physical contact], then the "repercussions" can hang around [in the form of "subtle" namecalling, a sharp remark, a put down] for maybe up to 3 weeks.
my sister just came home. finally. we just had a little talk in the bedroom.i don't cry easily - very rarely when i'm sad, depressed, stressed, hurt, scared. only when i get angry. this was another case of "it's not tragic until they poor-you". i started sobbing through my words in front of her - man, my voice was all wobbly, thick and pitchy. maybe that's why i don't like to cry much! =]
don't worry, i've calmed down now. enough to keep writing anyway. my sister says the reason i don't get along with my mum is b/c i "think in english". i haven't heard this from her before. she said that i translate my thoughts word by word into viet, so it doesn't make as much sense, and sounds more aggressive/ruder. great. i'd expect that my mum can't understand that. i think that if i ever get married, i won't marry a viet guy. i can't deal, i don't think i could survive a mother-in-law who was like my mum!
i think that was a rather too long winded explanation/story. maybe a little boring. i am feeling....numb and critical. does that make sense? i am feeling....drained. i didn't intend for this to turn out to be so much of a complaint. this is my mother - my reality every time she has a bad day, feels angry at someone/thing, feels bored, or is stressed out. everyone has problems, and certainly plenty have been through a million worse things than me. oh ****. now i feel like a whiny brat.
i read a story a few days ago, where an EPeer wrote a long story to get it all out as well. of course, she had been through so much more than this little thing - don't get me wrong, i appreciate that my problem is not as bad as it could be. anyway, i thought, maybe i should try it. seems to work for them. let it all out for once. i was a little scared before to say anything about what specifically happens. worried about sounding ungrateful, whiny, petty. and a little worried that it wouldn't be the same as talking about me being a black sheep. i'm glad that this is out though. i never speak of this **** to my friends, b/c they only see my funny asian mother on her good days, and they might start giving her greasies. i'm glad i've let it out here instead.

Note: don't feel obliged to comment, b/c at the end of the day, i am fine, in one piece, and better off than heaps of other ppl. esp. after you've read this too long story as well!
hope your day today will be better than this day was. =>

BowsAndBones BowsAndBones
18-21, F
4 Responses Aug 5, 2007

Keep going<3

Thank you thank you! This is always how things go in my house and it makes me so upset and depressed. My heart aches every single day and I wish there was something I could do to fix it or me, or them, or anything. I just wish there was more love surrounding you and your family. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

MusicHead Dearest<br />
How I wish you would open the doorways of your soul and mind to me earlier. <br />
I love you soo much

"The child as poisen container." I found this a good read when I was having difficulty with unprovoked verbal and phsyical abuse. If you recognise how it works you won't pass it on.