My Mother Is a Cold, Childish *****

My mother is a woman who is much beloved by her local community, always lauded as an extra hard worker, etc... she is also very close with my younger sister. However, my relationship with her is totally different.

She has always resented me, ever since I was born, because I was very sensitive. As a baby, I never let up my crying. Even worse, I was my father's favorite (he and I were very close), and she was jealous of all the attention he gave me and not her.

As a teen, she would confide in me all her problems, which was totally inappropriate, but then when I needed her like a teenage girl needs her mother, she was never there for me, as she was much too disturbed and fragile to be able to handle my problems.

I also have a younger sister who is about 1 year younger than I am. She and my mom, are much more alike personality wise, as my sis is very cold and insensitive,as my mother is. Also, she had allot of the same ambitious nature that my Mother does. I was a slacker in high school/college, to say the least.

My mother also is an alcoholic and a narcotic pill abuser, and my sister is a complete enabler as far as my mother goes. My sister is unwilling to listen to my complaints about my mother and defends her behavior and just says I am too sensitive. Needless to say, my relationship with my sister is practically non-existent as well.

Anyway, now that my dad has passed away, it has drawn my mother and sister together even more closely. I am basically shunned by their little clique, and it always leaves me wondering what I did to deserve such treatment. I have tried to get closer to my mother to give her support since she is all alone w/o my father, but she just resents it, and is completely ungrateful to any attempts I make. I will send her emails and call her, but she leaves my emails unanswered and screens my telephone calls! (She is incredibly passive-aggressive, as well...) It's so hard though, because I have needed support as well, since my father died, and my mother has never given me one ounce of support for anything. Except for my husband, I am totally alone.

My next move will be to another part of the country, far from my mother and sister, as I have come to the conclusion that our relationship is just too unhealthy and that I need geographical distance between us.

 (My sister  and her husband have already bought a house only about 2 miles from my mother's house, and they are getting ready to start a large family. My husband and I right now live about 50 miles from my mom, and that is too close for us.)

It's so sad that our relationship has deteriorated so much in the wake of my father's death, but that is the cold reality.

wondergirl97 wondergirl97
36-40, F
14 Responses May 17, 2008

Hi, I too have a bizarre relationship with my mother. My mother met my step father when I was 2 and they agreed between them that they would make me always believe I was theirs together. My younger twin brother were born and share a strong bond that I never had. When I was 12 my mother found out my stepfather had been having an affair with a woman for the past 3 years. She decided to sit me down and tell me he was not my real Dad as I had always believed he was. I lay in bed that night unable to sleep thinking deeply and it suddenly dawned on me that my brothers were no longer my real brothers. I questioned my mum further a few days after and she went on to tell me all about her difficult life and how snobbish her parents were forcing her to try and abort me herself using terrible methods that I wont go into. She also told me my real dad could be one of 3 men she had sex with that week. She proceeded to get he phone book out and give me 3 names and addresses of possibles for me to go and find. I was absolutely distraught with no one to turn to. It messed up my schooling and destroyed my life with my younger brothers. Every chance she had since she has tried to ruin my life with every girl I met. I firmly believe she blames me for her awful life with my cheating, wife beating stepfather. She did terrible things throughout my life that I would never do to my own children now. She smashed my bedroom up several times and one time she burned the entire contents at the bottom of the garden including my schoolwork and books. Later in my teen years she refused to iron my shirts so I did it myself, No problem I thought at the time but then when she saw it had no effect she put the iron and iron ing board outside in the shed. When I brought them back in the house she went crazy and threw them back into the shed breaking them. I repaired them and put them back in the cupboard under the stairs and told my stepfather who then intervened and told her to leave them in the cupboard for me to use. Thank god for my stepfather having common sense at least or I would have gone mad.

I'm so sad that your mom doesn't take the time to make you feel valued. Sadly, and I'm not saying this will make you feel better, but maybe will give you a different perspective, I have met many people, myself included, who didn't feel as if they "belonged" in their own families, or were treated this way by their family members. I think we all deserve to have parents who are caring, compassionate, and nurturing, not just physically but emotionally as well. I hate that life doesn't always work out that way. I will say that distance helped my relationship with my mother. I think part of it was that seeing me live a self-sustainable life made her feel less needed, which in turn led her to feel as if she needed me. I know it sounds strange, but I think maybe the distance will help. If not, I'm hoping you have a strong group of friends to support you as you go through this. Hoping things get better for you friend.

I have the same non existent relationship with my mother because of her jealousy and passive aggressive nature. Focus on your Husband And your family forget her raggedy bitchy ***. Lol

My mother is a two faced.*****. For the last nineteen years she has used me to see my daughter and now wishes to see her separately from me so she can turn her completely against me.Mum has really painstakingly planned this from the start by deliberately breaking up my relationship with myself and my ex by saying I am a liar and impossible to live with then saying to me while I'm pregnant that I could live with her and dad that the baby was staying with us.Now my daughter is older mum says derogetory things about me in front of her to make my daughter change her mind about living with me and possibly go to live with mum. I have recently decided to save myself from the emotional abuse putdowns and dicreditation. Thankfully my daughter hasn't been near her either and I'm hoping this continues as neither of us need her nonsense.

I can feel for you. My mother cares for me but she is very intolerant, one mistake and out the door I go. I think she did this for my own good so I don't resent her much.

It's just sad and such that this all exists. I find it even more pathetic that I find so much comfort in learning I'm not alone in how my mom acts.

I'm well into adulthood. My mom has always been a mean *****. I've done nothing wrong to deserve the lack of love and the feeling of hate.

I have no real fond memories. I've tried to be myself and love her. I've tried to let her be herself and ignore her.

No matter what I do, the pain is real. What's painful the most is the hate I have. What hurts more than that is that it could all be wiped away if she'd simply take it all away with an apology. How about an "I'm sorry I've never really loved you or given to you". I know wanting and waiting for that is stupid of me.

I cannot figure out why she hates me. She should have adopted me out. I'm serious. I've lived the feeling that she has always wished she should have had an abortion.

I just don't know what to do except stay the hell away from her bs and sick fake crap. She's the type of person who will go out on a limb for a stranger but never has time for what really matters.

The only good in all this is that I love my kids for real and much more. I struggle to be mentally healthy. It's not perfect, but I love them and they know it. I will never stop and will always give to them. That is my purpose.

My mom is mean and evil. I know your supposed to enjoy your teen years because their supposed to be the time of your life ,but I'm just counting down the days until I can move out of here and run off to college. My mom is divorced and she's mean to everyone all the time. I hate even being around her. I feel like I should take up a physical sport to release some of the pent up anger. I live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood with my younger brother, cousin, and grandmother. My grandma is a life saver for me because she keeps me from saying or doing anything stupid towards my mom. For example, tonight she was sitting on the couch about to turn on her laptop when she realized that her cord wasn't by the couch. I'm all the way upstairs in my bedroom watching TV looking for something interesting to do on the internet. She's yelling for me to bring her her laptop cord since we both have HP computers. I say mom your cord is in the kitchen where you left it. She said that she never had it in the kitchen and I need to come and get her stuff. We argue about that for like 2.5 seconds until I run down the stairs. My grandma is sitting on the other couch watching I said grandma didn't you see mom with her laptop at the table yesterday. She shook her head yes and I said I knew it was in the kitchen. She gets up and storms at me like a raging bull from all the way across the living room pushing me into a wall screaming at me to show some respect and whatnot. I don't say anything just stand there. When I get really mad I grind my teeth together and the little muscle in my cheek starts to jump. She's still pushing me telling my to go to my room. I'm walking away and she pushes me against the wall by the stairs telling me to check my attitude and show some respect. Show some respect!!!!!!! I'm standing here letting you manhandle and push me into wall spit in my face and you don't think that's respect. I'm 13 and I'm already taller than my mom. I couldv'e easily pushed her out of my way and left. I'm so mad there are angry tears pulsing in my eyes about to spill over. i clutch my hands and count backwards from 10 in my head not looking at her. She grabs my face pulling it to her telling me to look at her. Then my contact pops out and she's telling me to go to my room. I'm trying to pop my contact back in when she gets all sentimental and is like let me see. Are you freaking kidding me!!!!!! This chick is seriously bipolar sometimes. I ****** my hand from her and run away to my room. I'm so glad I found this site........

I have so much sympathy for you - the thing you said about her confiding inappropriate things to you really hit home for me.

My mother wanted to tell me all kinds of things about her relationship with my father that I just did not want to know, I mean I was 9 years old, I don't want to hear about their sexless marriage!

And my dad would sneak around, buying motorcycles then hiding them in storage buildings, eating things that were not at all on his diet and then hiding the food wrappers and lying - and I was expected to keep all his secrets for him.

It may not sound abusive but I wish people could understand how toxic it is for your child to have to be the adult and keep your secrets in certain ways.

This is completely how me and my mom are and I am a senior in High School. Everyone says that I am just a kid and just overreacting but I honestly feel like she hates me and I feel as if I am starting to feel the same way. Every time I do something wrong it is like she has to yell about it and make sure everyone in my family about it. I am also really sensitive so when we do get in these arguments I begin to and she likes to point that out to other people and my family. But I guess my question is how did you get through it?

I have the same sort of relationship with my mom and sister. i let my sister and her fiance rent my house out for my cost. I never made a dime off of them. when they left the house they left it filled with all their belongings. they took maybe 10 percent. even left the food in the fridge with the electric off. So they leave my house and live with my mom so I don't see her anymore because i dont wish to be in the presence of two people that couldn't apologize for the damages to my house. I forgot to mention they have three kids and cant afford their own place. I resent my mother because she lets the ******* father of the kids live with her. she was upset because we don't see each other anymore. I had to tell her multiple times if the ******* would apologize things can maybe go back to normal but he refuses to make an apology. My mom finally asked him to apologize so we can have a sense of a normal family again but he told he flat out no and she knows they are wrong but still lets him live with her which makes me feel betrayed by her. now I just have resentment for her. In the end I feel like you and want to move as far away from them as possible. every couple months they call to try and reconnect but with no apology. Im supposed to pretend it never happened. they cost me 8000 and my property was almost foreclosed on. it sucks and hurts but time heals all i haven't spoken to my sister in almost 3 years and I dont even think about her anymore she just brings drama in my life anyway but I still have 3 nephew that I hardly know my third nephew i have never met. what can you do but call a spade a spade. It is what it is. I came to terms and just accept the fact that I wont even see them again. I know the bible says honor thy mother and father but I cant when I'm not respected. I live with my dad and he barley talks to me. He had this idea that I didn't believe in God. I mean try and get to know me then make that statement. I love God. I fly model airplanes , helicopters and have reef tanks, lots of hobbies and I cant get him to participate for ****. No girlfriend either and very little friends since I moved away from where I grew up. now Im out on workers compensation and just sit home and think all day. not one day goes by that I don't cry myself to sleep and the first thing that happens when I wake up. I don't even talk to my grand mother because she only knows what they tell her. I'm tired of reading her notes that she sends me. she just adds fuel to the fire because i can hear my mother and sister coming through in the letter. Id never take my own life but why would God let me live in such emotional pain and leave me with no one to really talk to?

this is very inspiring, this gives me something to think about,becuase in a way your mom sounds just like mine. im happy to know im not the only one with someone like my mom out there. thank you for sharing!

WOW!! I am just in ur place but only worse. 'My sister is unwilling to listen to my complaints about my mother and defends her behavior and just says I am too sensitive. Needless to say, my relationship with my sister is practically non-existent as well.'<br />
This is my story only the sis is replaced by a son of a ***** And I am just absolutely alone, without friends, husband , anyone:(

WOW! Exact same situation here and my dad just passed away too- so I am so sorry to hear you are going through it too. It is the most awful thing when you have to support someone emotionally who can't support you back - or even acknowledge that you have to be supported too. I have just stopped looking for support from my mother. She is going through a hard time without my dad but she has other family that is taking good care of her. I just have been distancing myself because my mom and sister get along so well and their schedules are much more compatible. I always feel like the odd man out- like you are saying. <br />
I have been learning a lot though through all of this and if it doesn't break you- it makes you stronger. I keep thinking of a move myself but then i would be just running away. I actually signed up for this forum because I was hoping to find someone who could help with my situation- and here you are in it too. I guess it is more common than we realize. Maybe it comes down to the fact that your mom (and mine) may not be emotionally strong enough right now to take on more than they already have on their plate. I hold a lot against my mom from childhood. She wasn't very nice to me.. so I am trying to let that go and just forgive because it is not worth carrying around all that hate and hurt. So we'll see what happens. My only suggestion to you being in such a very similar situation is stick with people who are going to support you because you need support now too and when you are able to offer support to your mom go for it just try not to have any expectations. It will be interesting to see how it turns out.

I don't think of it as running away. I think of it as moving towards a happier, healthier life. As adults, we can choose to move away from emotionally abusive people, even if they are our parents; and that's ok.

Wow!!!! This is totally me-only brother, not sister--and I have 2 kids which my mother cares-less about! So amazed and surprised that another person has such a similar story! One day, I really do want to move also for literal distance between us!<br />
Thanks for sharing your story.