Hurting And Healing

So. I hate to be petty and I have never been the type to let my feelings out I always hold them in. This time is different, this time I need support. This time I cannot deal with this alone. So to you, thank you for not leaving me alone. I'll start this story with a confession. I wanted a barn cat. I looked on craigslist for something and after a couple minutes looking I saw the perfect one. It was younger, but I get these feelings and I got one looking at this animal. Its not that I want something immediately or I must have things right away. I get this calming feeling and I just don't think I just do. It's bad I know, but sometimes you just know (like God is leading you to something). I went and got the kitten and brought them home. The first day here they got out of the box and ran away. I looked for hours. I couldn't find them. I looked everywhere praying to God if they were the right ones I would hear them. Finally I thought I heard them and sure enough my puppy found them caught under the brushes, one was tangled and it me a while to get her out. I couldn't find the other one. I felt horrible. I bathed and took the little one inside and really was depressed. I lied to close friends and family. I told them all I just found the kittens on my property. I really never lied just omitted the truth. anyways a close friend helped me find the second lost kitten and I just left the story as it goes. My mother. was extremely upset because I told her the omitted story as well. but she remembered I sent her a picture of the kitten earlier. I never lied, but I also never admitted the truth. This brought on a huge fight where I was told my husband is too good for me, I am a lying *****, ect. I was told never to contact her again, she wants nothing to do with me. I still have never told her the omitted truth nor my close friends, or my husband. I feel though the kittens were free and do I really need to omit I lost 2 kittens. Cannot I just skip that part and tell the rest how I finally caught them and they are wonderful? I really don't feel my mothers sayings were right nor fair. I know I omitted the truth but thats no reason to tell your daughter you want nothing to do with her. I am not asking for sympathy, I am not asking for judgement. I know that losing them was wrong, and that is why I can not admit it. I hate the feeling of having your mother telling you that she hates you, and you where never there for her anyways. It hurts and I am too strong to ever admit to anyone it hurts. I cannot tell anyway face-to-face. So as I wrote this I feel better to have told someone, even someone I don't know. I am sorry I lied.
imsorryyoudontlikemeforme imsorryyoudontlikemeforme
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

Ohh, This is something I see allot of people feel, but don't understand it. I am glad to see God is leading you in your life, I pray you continue to follow with open ears. It seems like the hardest thing imaginable is the only way out our internal problems. I hope you one-day find the strength to confront your loved ones with no doubt in your head.