Lost And Dont Know Where To Turn...

okay i really didnt want to write a story on here because writing it down makes it seem real and I honestly try to shut out the negative parts of my life and just sleep it off and hope that everything will be fine in the morning... truth is though it never does get any better, my way with dealing with is the only thing that seems to get slightly better.

To start off I guess I kind of need to give an insight into the dynamics of my family. My mummy me and little brother, my older brother and my step dad all live in the family home together, i used to get along with my step dad alot when i was younger, but that has changed alot now because of the way he treats and talks to my mummy, my older brother doesnt treat my mummy with alot of respect either, and i always seem to be the one that sits and listens to her when she is down or in need of someone to vent to.

My mum and myself do not get along at all, always my nanny (her mum)was the person that I always went to, the person who was always there for me, always praising me and saying how well i was doing even it was just a stupid class test, she made me feel like i was worth something, like i was worthy of being shown a little attention, allowed to be respected or praised for doing well. As though i was worthy of someone giving a damn about me.

I love my mummy so much and she is going through a rough time because my nanny passed away 4 months ago, and she is separating from my step dad, who was physically abusive towards me (hit me a few times) it always seem though as if my mummy constantly blames me for all the wrong in her life, any time i try to have a conversation with her about how she makes me feel worthless or how she makes me feel like she wishes i was never born she always turns away or says that i need to stop being stupid and that i need to grow up and get a life. i really dont know what to do anymore, she doesnt want me around her, she doesnt want me in her life and its hurting me so much because i have done so much to try and make her proud of me, I am going into my final year studying law, I work part time, have my own car, pay house keep, take my family out and pay for dinner, help clean around the house etc, but nothing seems to be enough for her, im 20 years of age and she talks to me and treats me like im a child that needs to be scolded and controlled.

I have asked my mum to come to mother and daughter conselling with me and she keeps saying that she will, but she never does, it seems like she begrudges me going out with my friends and having a good time and being a student...

should i keep on trying to have a relationship with her as she is the only parent that I have (my real daddy was physically abusive to me too, hitting me and my older brother when we were younger) or should i just cut my loses and accept the fact that she doesnt want me in her life? im lost and feel so alone now that i dont have my nanny here to turn to, i just dont know what to do anymore, eventhough academically and socially i am doing very well for myself, nothing compares to the love between a mother and a daughter, and I just dont seem to have that.

please help me or give me some advice. x
lonewalker20 lonewalker20
18-21, F
Sep 22, 2012