Living At Home With Negativity And A Bitter Parent

I am 36 years old and an Asian woman.
I have a sister who got married and left home 12 years ago.
In the meanwhile, I am stuck living at home with my parents because rent and housing prices are too high and inflation has got me stuck living at home.

I desperately, desperately want to move out.

For those of you who have a parent, a mother, who chose to give up her life to raise her family and is now bitter and resentful of her children's ability to live without her, you will relate to this.

My mother is a smart, charming, lively and active woman...last time. Now, she is bitter, negative, resentful and full of anger towards anything that does not go her way. She is getting old, she repeats herself and gets angry when we remind her that we've heard the story a 100x before. And because she has nothing to fill her life with now, refusing to get a job or a past time, she fills her time picking on things and gossiping about others.
She feels her value and role is in the house, and those who live in her doman will have to bow to her every demand.

I have no privacy, everything i do is up for questioning. Although she does not go through my things, god forbid she comes across anything that she is suspicious of. I cannot lock my door as she wants to be able to knock on the door and enter, she feels I am up to something if I lock it. I go to work even when I don't need to just so I don't have to be in the house with her and I stay out late as much as I can so I don't have to be near her when I don't have to be.

She is a Gemini woman, prone to fits of anger and then suddenly she will fly into a rage. One moment she is a really nice person, full of love but once her sensitivity kicks in, she flys into a blind rage.
She hates it when I have plans that do not include her. She hates it when I travel for leisure and she stays at home. She expects our siblings to take her along and she demands for financial support when she wants to go for a holiday. She does not asks directly but would hint and hint and play mind games until you give up and feel exasperated enough to just give her the money.

She love money and says so blatantly. She resents my father for loosing his business and plunging our family into a tight financial situation. She hates it because she has a rich and well to do sister who has no financial worry and gets to travel on cruises and buys jewelry and anything she wants. She is vain and boastful which masks her insecurity and pain.
Why am I here? Because I am tired of being judged everyday, every moment and every part of my life is being held up for scrutiny by her. So what do I do? I lie and I hide. I don't tell her things and I create stories that I know would please her and stop her from nagging or passing judgmental comments that would hurt and erode me as a person.

I love her and resent what she has become. She stopped being happy and positive for a very long time. I long for the day when I can move out and finally tell her how I feel and what I think. I can't right now because I have to live under her roof and live under her rules. I live with minimal dignity and there are days when we are fine and can have a nice time together as mother and daughter. Those moments are rare and fleeting, I desperately long to have a healthy relationship with a mother that I can talk and share with. But I am deprived of that and I vow never to do that to my own children, to make them feel small and worthless.

I will come back and share once again when I am free of this prison, where I will be able to come back and build a happier and healthier relationship with my mother. I love you but right now I need to be me.
brightonion brightonion
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 30, 2012

I am Indian woman. I do not get along with my mother either. She is also a Gemini so now I stay away from all Gemini people. Like you said one minute she's kind and loving then next minute she's just horrible and aggressive. I have come to realise we will never fully get along. I sometimes mirror her behaviour on purpose to show what she does then she calls me useless and selfish. I don't have any sisters and deep inside just want a mothers love which now I will never get. I try so hard to forgive her for some terrible stuff she has done to me. I try and think of ways to make her like me but as soon as she sees me she'll shout about something. So I spend my time at home locked in my room watching tv. I just pray and hope that I will have a good relationship and will be loved by my mother in law when I get married.
Today was the first time I typed this issue into google and now I know there are other out there like me xx

Hello again, i showed your letter to a couple of Asian woman (Chinese and Vietnamese). I trust you do not mind. They say they have same problems with the mix of old culture and new. They re looking forward to some answers as well. Other than the well tried "explained to her and go ahead and do". They were happy with the compassion that i gave with first hand understanding. However i did not give any advice other than to take care.

Hang in there lady. You are an honourable Asian doing what is right in your culture back in Asia. But here is your problem, you are now in the Western world with so much more choice and knowledge. It does not work very well in this climate. I am an Australia who prefers Asian ladies, so I know how difilcult it is with Eastern values in a Western world with far more opportunity to make you feel at loss while mother feels confused. Take care and you are welcome to write to my mail box. Noel