My Mother Shows Favoritism, Is Cruel, Hateful, Fault-finding, Controlling and Unpredictable.
For many years my mother and I have not gotten along very well. I have two brothers (I'm the oldest) and her middle child is her obvious favorite. I do try to get along with mother and show her consideration but with each passing year it is becoming more difficult. To mother, showing love is paying for a child's college education, helping financially when able and needed. I appreciate these things but a simple, "I love you," goes a long way. So, to be fair, she has been a constant provider with materialistic needs such as food, shelter, clothing, paying college tuition and purchasing me a vehicle. However, there is so much more than these things that are needed for a happy relationship.
As a child and even now, her moods are completely unpredictable. One moment she could be sweet and calm and cold and demanding the very next. As I've grown older I've just learned to ignore her moods swings. If I had a serious problem, I'd go to my aunt, her sister before I would her. Around her I am dull and silent and hate conversating with her. Mother also buts in when I'm conversating with others in her presence, needless to say, I minimize any conversation in her presence.
Everything I say in front of others is ignored by her or she belittles my comments. I'm in college but still live at home and of course have chores. Its not that I mind doing the chores but its the style in which she sees that they're done. My oldest brother and I wash dishes alternately each week and the rule is that all dishes are to be washed each night that week. If I'm tired from work that day and wait until the next morning, mother nags and gripes at me about how hardheaded I am and trying to be defiant. When I called her out on this difference in treatment I was told that I need not to try and fill the parents' role and just do what I'm asked. If my brother misses a night it goes without comment. If he backtalks or sasses her she says little, if I question her in the slightest, I'm trying to be the parent.
If my brother is found to be eating in the bedroom which against house rules, little is said. If I eat in the room she nags and ******* like there's no end to it. I have informed her that when I complete my college degree, I will be moving several states away. She says not to forget about her; honestly, I could do fine talking to her twice a year! Also, she is very concerned she will see little of her grandchildren which is very possible. Her coldness has taught me to shield myself from rejection by taking much longer than most people to trust others.
What will make my decision MUCH easier is information I learned from her five months ago. One day as I was leaving for work she said, "I've been wanting to tell you something for a long time and wanted to wait 'til you were old enough. I don't like you, I really don't like you. I love you but I don't like you." This was not news to me as her treatment of me proved, it was only confirmation for a suspicion long held by me. That day I wanted to tell her I don't like her either and I'm not quite sure that I even love her. I didn't but I'm waiting on the very appropriate time. When I finish my degree, if I don't find a local job first, I will be loading a moving van and enjoying the life that I have for so long been robbed of. I believe that by moving out with her my blood pressure and stress levels will drop a great deal.
A lot of my mother's resentment stems from my relationship with her mother. My grandmother was a stern woman but a kind, patient, understanding, generous person with a warm heart and an open ear. I could call her and talk for hours on end. She listened more than she talked and rarely criticized. I dread being on the phone with my mother for any period of time (she never calls to say "hi," or "I love you," its always confrontational). Many times I simply ignore her phone calls. Although she and my grandmother had a great relationship, she feels that I liked her mother more than I do her (and until recently I didn't realize it but its true). I would love to get along with my mother but I believe there are too many irons in the fire to set things straight anytime soon. She knows the damage she has done but if she doesn't find a solution in the next year, I may forever be out of her life and that's a fact and she knows it.