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My Mother Shows Favoritism, Is Cruel, Hateful, Fault-finding, Controlling and Unpredictable.

For many years my mother and I have not gotten along very well. I have two brothers (I'm the oldest) and her middle child is her obvious favorite. I do try to get along with mother and show her consideration but with each passing year it is becoming more difficult. To mother, showing love is paying for a child's college education, helping financially when able and needed. I appreciate these things but a simple, "I love you," goes a long way. So, to be fair, she has been a constant provider with materialistic needs such as food, shelter, clothing, paying college tuition and purchasing me a vehicle. However, there is so much more than these things that are needed for a happy relationship.

As a child and even now, her moods are completely unpredictable. One moment she could be sweet and calm and cold and demanding the very next. As I've grown older I've just learned to ignore her moods swings. If I had a serious problem, I'd go to my aunt, her sister before I would her. Around her I am dull and silent and hate conversating with her. Mother also buts in when I'm conversating with others in her presence, needless to say, I minimize any conversation in her presence.

Everything I say in front of others is ignored by her or she belittles my comments. I'm in college but still live at home and of course have chores. Its not that I mind doing the chores but its the style in which she sees that they're done. My oldest brother and I wash dishes alternately each week and the rule is that all dishes are to be washed each night that week. If I'm tired from work that day and wait until the next morning, mother nags and gripes at me about how hardheaded I am and trying to be defiant. When I called her out on this difference in treatment I was told that I need not to try and fill the parents' role and just do what I'm asked. If my brother misses a night it goes without comment. If he backtalks or sasses her she says little, if I question her in the slightest, I'm trying to be the parent.

If my brother is found to be eating in the bedroom which against house rules, little is said. If I eat in the room she nags and ******* like there's no end to it. I have informed her that when I complete my college degree, I will be moving several states away. She says not to forget about her; honestly, I could do fine talking to her twice a year! Also, she is very concerned she will see little of her grandchildren which is very possible. Her coldness has taught me to shield myself from rejection by taking much longer than most people to trust others.

What will make my decision MUCH easier is information I learned from her five months ago. One day as I was leaving for work she said, "I've been wanting to tell you something for a long time and wanted to wait 'til you were old enough. I don't like you, I really don't like you. I love you but I don't like you." This was not news to me as her treatment of me proved, it was only confirmation for a suspicion long held by me. That day I wanted to tell her I don't like her either and I'm not quite sure that I even love her. I didn't but I'm waiting on the very appropriate time. When I finish my degree, if I don't find a local job first, I will be loading a moving van and enjoying the life that I have for so long been robbed of. I believe that by moving out with her my blood pressure and stress levels will drop a great deal.

A lot of my mother's resentment stems from my relationship with her mother. My grandmother was a stern woman but a kind, patient, understanding, generous person with a warm heart and an open ear. I could call her and talk for hours on end. She listened more than she talked and rarely criticized. I dread being on the phone with my mother for any period of time (she never calls to say "hi," or "I love you," its always confrontational). Many times I simply ignore her phone calls. Although she and my grandmother had a great relationship, she feels that I liked her mother more than I do her (and until recently I didn't realize it but its true). I would love to get along with my mother but I believe there are too many irons in the fire to set things straight anytime soon. She knows the damage she has done but if she doesn't find a solution in the next year, I may forever be out of her life and that's a fact and she knows it.

CouldCareLess CouldCareLess 22-25 12 Responses Jan 28, 2009

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You're not the only one I've been experiencing it every day the mood swings and all that you said.I want to run away but im too afraid.I'm even thinking to kill myself but I dont want to waste it.Her cruelty made make Manic-Depressive and a sociopath.The worthless feeling I get that A lot.I am deciding to email this child protection safety If I could stay there,still thinking if I should go.And the worst part Im 14.I even have low grades cause of adhd I write it in a letter and she was like use this and that.

Relate...

Sorry If there's a wrong grammar. Im not good in speaking in english.


Me and my mom always fight. She always nag at me even though im only sitting in one place. I did my best. I did my best for her. Feels like she's only roud about my older brother. She always throw bad words to me. She loves to throw things to me. She always compare me to my brother. And it hurts. Feels like im just a living dead here in our house. My brother's always saying that I suck. That im an idiot. They dont believe me. Always. Looks like they hate me that much. They said that I suck at school. She always prioritize my brother. They dont care even though I am sick. My brother is beating me always. But my mom dosent care. I would just love to die now and be with my dad now. My mother do have a boyfriend now. But heck, all she know is to take care of that damned boyfriend of her. I love them. I love them to death. They saif that they hate me. They hate because im the one who causd my fathers death. But I am just 15. What did I do? Yes. I suck. I know that. I am stupid. I am idiot. I am.

CouldCareLess you're right, leave this horrid woman! She is a rude **** and it's unacceptable behavior. I await the day to finally leave my mother once and for all. It will happen in a few months. In fact I hate my mother so much I may never tell her my new address. My mother has mood swings too, I think she has undiagnosed psychosis or bipolar disorder, which would make sense that I have a few disorders as well. I have suffered from this woman for so long as well. She has always been the child that I had to take car of. She even threatened not to let me borrow her car to work tomorrow if I don't clean my room. (I work full time as a receptionist and recently finally got my permit after much hardship with my stupid mother). I wish you good luck and it's okay to admit you hate your mother. <3

That's exactly how my mother makes me feel, it seems mothers are more prone to differential treatment?



Looking back my mother and I seemed to have a bad relationship once my sister started performing exceptionally at elementary school. I think my mother felt she could fulfil her dreams, she had always wanted to be a doctor which my sister now is. Also she herself had a bad relationship with her mother who favoured her younger sister and I resemble my aunty.



Fortunately I have always had an amazing relationship with my Dad, he has always been my biggest supporter. However my mother is a manipulative women and occasionally strains our relationship by trying to turn my Dad against me when we argued. Over the years I just learnt to ignore her and no longer try to please her. A part of me will be thankful because it has made me tougher and now I know what kind of mother I never will be.

Now my sister is not as close to my mother, she regularly disrespect my mother. I feel my mother is envious of how close I still am with my Dad. Whilst I have moved on and forgiven her, I no longer feel like she is family to me, just a mere acquaintance.

My mother is very similar. Me and my brothers never got married because of her. We can not deal with the irrational demanding nagging faultfinding hissy fits. I'm sick and tired of loving her I need to be an adult not a child. I once dated a woman that was like my mom. Her childern were taken away by the state. I cried in her kids room on the floor like a baby. Thank God I didn't have sex with her.

Your not alone, my mother is also an emotional vampire, she suck all my energy and confidence, telling lots of negative words that she can label me... My eldest brother is her ultimate favorite.... She calls me, dum, stupid, no brainer, and ugly and humiliate me in front of her friends... She's nice to other people and a people pleaser, but she always look at me as if there's always something wrong with me.... I just open Joyce Meyer website to watch her teaching, to convince myself that I am love by GOD to survive... I'm one board exam away for my freedom, and I am telling you, I have average IQ, but I had a hard time finishing college because I am emotionally drain, because my self esteem is very low... Finally I finished, despite my heartaches... One board exam away and I am free as a bird...



English is not my first language, sorry if there's a wrong grammar....

MY MOTHER IS ALSO A NARCISIS, AND HAS FAVORITES. THE FAVORITE BEING THE ONE WHO DOES AND SAYS EXCALLY WHAT SHE WANTS. ONE OF THE GREAT JOYS IN HER LIFE IS TO CREATE DRAMA AND PIT ONE SIBBLING AGAINST ANOTHER. SHE ACHIEVES THIS THROUGH EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL AND JUST PLAN OUT LIES. HER ABILITY TO DO THIS HOWEVER HAS DECREASED OVER THE YEARS DUE TO ALL OF US (5 SIBLINGS) HAVING BORN THE BRUNT OF THE ANGER SHE HAS GENERATED FOR HER OWN AMUSEMENT. I REALISE THIS SOUNDS OUT THERE, BUT IT IS A REALITY. MINE AS WELL AS MY BROTHER AND SISTERS CHILDHOODS ARE FILLED WITH SICK AND TRAUMATIZING EVENTS. I AM IN MY FIFTIES NOW AND ALOT OF IT STILL HAUNTS ME, AS IT DOES MY SIBLINGS. SHE HAS LOST MOST OF HER MANIPULATION OVER US NOW BECAUSE WE SPEAK TO EACH OTHER. SOMETHING SHE TOOK A GREAT DEAL OF TIME AND EFFORT TO AVOID HAPPENING. I HAVE FOUND THROUGH THERAPY THAT JUST BECAUSE SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME DOES NOT MAKE HER A MOTHER. AND I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT NOR NEED HER AFFECTION, SHE IS INCAPABLE OF THAT ANYWAY, WITH ANYONE. I ALSO REALIZE THAT SHE IS MENTALLY ILL, THAT MAY BE A REASON FOR HER BEHAVIOR, HOWEVER IT IS NOT AN EXCUSE. IF ANYTHING GOOD HAS COME OUT OF ALL OF THIS, IT IS THAT I CAN USE HER AS AN EXAMPLE HOW NOT TO BE.

Funny,

For so many years I believed my mother had an unusual mix of meannes and narcisisim. I was convinced there was no one else out there like her, and thus no other people out there like me and my brothers and sisters. It is somewhat comforting to know that there are others occupying my boat, but, it also feels like a double edge sword. I mean, it such that their are so many people suffering . (Their delicate emotional selves, their fragile spirit tossed around like worthless garbage) too many of us robbed of our birthright. So often forced to wrestle with long lasting risidual pain of the past .My mother fits the pattern, the description of a typical narcissism, but that of the mean kind., Yet can, if she wants be so kind to those she likes. I guess thats what hurts, How she could hate a person who loves her unconditionaly (although, I despise the mother she was), and simply not ever care about my feelings. I can go on and on. I don't need any convincing, I know she is really ill. I'm alittle pissed that she had to be placed on this planet with such a disfunctional mind. (She isn't even aware of how her ideas , thoughts, actions etc. toward me are a form of sociopathy, of a definite mental illness.) I must endevour to forgive her, because I know that she really is just that way...and that way turns out to be percieved by society as mental illness. Thank God, I knew I was right, that she was a sick person...It's frustrating to know that she would have never gotten help anyway, after all other people were the ones who needed mental help not her....The really sad thing is that she has been wasting years and years of her

Are you sure that we aren't related this sounds exactly what I go through on an everyday bases. I am actually the baby which I thought was suppose to be the favorite. She favors my older brother the one who does no wrong in life.

my mom is much the same. shows extreme favoritism always has and in fact my sibs she's closest with and has most in common with---live very close together (neighbors). one of the homes was to be mine--long story short--i was betrayed by her and left out of their 'hood. fine. but every time i go visit, that dull ache of betrayal creeps over me. she def has smarts enough to know that! oh well i guess. complicating things, even tho it hurts--i never wanted to live near her anyway--too many ghosts from my wretched childhood on that street! but still it wouldve been very practical and cheaper etc etc. total water under the dam tho.



i would not bother telling ur mom u dont like her. i doubt it would make u feel euphoric--probably the opposite, and u don't need that kind of weird guilt trip. i visit my mom once every few months generally, but have gone months and years without doing so. she was not her mom's fav AT ALL as a kid and LOVED complaining to ME about it CONSTANTLY when i was a KID. i shouldve been charging by the hour for those sessions listening to her, trying to help. while my requests for help as a shy, loser-rejected-by-all-kid---received deadpan retorts like, 'it'll get worse before it gets better' 'no wonder they dont like u' just get over it!'.....not ONE warm, heart to heart from her to me as a kid. NOT ONE. but she had plenty of them with my cousin, and the two are close to this day. my aunt was just as distant to me. go figure! my mother even once said something very strange (i get cold easily and always have)when i was 20 or so, 'maybe u are so cold all the time--because u do not exist.' OKAAYYY.



anyway, im glad i am not biased and into choosing favorites as a mom. my 2 boys are my whole entire world, and also my two best friends.....when u share that with kids of your own someday---ur crummy childhood will lose some of its hold on u and u will be glad u became the person u are DESPITE IT. it'll even make visiting ur mom easier!



best of luck to (((you.))) :)

That must have been really tough, unimaginable really, to hear your mother say she really doesn't like you. It would be normal to feel very hurt over that. We all want certain things from our moms, even if they don't give them to us. I hope you feel better.

a mother is supposed to love you

no matter what

and it is hard and damaging if they don't

and no child should feel like they are second best or worse