My Mother Shows Favoritism, Is Cruel, Hateful, Fault-finding, Controlling and Unpredictable.

For many years my mother and I have not gotten along very well. I have two brothers (I'm the oldest) and her middle child is her obvious favorite. I do try to get along with mother and show her consideration but with each passing year it is becoming more difficult. To mother, showing love is paying for a child's college education, helping financially when able and needed. I appreciate these things but a simple, "I love you," goes a long way. So, to be fair, she has been a constant provider with materialistic needs such as food, shelter, clothing, paying college tuition and purchasing me a vehicle. However, there is so much more than these things that are needed for a happy relationship.

As a child and even now, her moods are completely unpredictable. One moment she could be sweet and calm and cold and demanding the very next. As I've grown older I've just learned to ignore her moods swings. If I had a serious problem, I'd go to my aunt, her sister before I would her. Around her I am dull and silent and hate conversating with her. Mother also buts in when I'm conversating with others in her presence, needless to say, I minimize any conversation in her presence.

Everything I say in front of others is ignored by her or she belittles my comments. I'm in college but still live at home and of course have chores. Its not that I mind doing the chores but its the style in which she sees that they're done. My oldest brother and I wash dishes alternately each week and the rule is that all dishes are to be washed each night that week. If I'm tired from work that day and wait until the next morning, mother nags and gripes at me about how hardheaded I am and trying to be defiant. When I called her out on this difference in treatment I was told that I need not to try and fill the parents' role and just do what I'm asked. If my brother misses a night it goes without comment. If he backtalks or sasses her she says little, if I question her in the slightest, I'm trying to be the parent.

If my brother is found to be eating in the bedroom which against house rules, little is said. If I eat in the room she nags and ******* like there's no end to it. I have informed her that when I complete my college degree, I will be moving several states away. She says not to forget about her; honestly, I could do fine talking to her twice a year! Also, she is very concerned she will see little of her grandchildren which is very possible. Her coldness has taught me to shield myself from rejection by taking much longer than most people to trust others.

What will make my decision MUCH easier is information I learned from her five months ago. One day as I was leaving for work she said, "I've been wanting to tell you something for a long time and wanted to wait 'til you were old enough. I don't like you, I really don't like you. I love you but I don't like you." This was not news to me as her treatment of me proved, it was only confirmation for a suspicion long held by me. That day I wanted to tell her I don't like her either and I'm not quite sure that I even love her. I didn't but I'm waiting on the very appropriate time. When I finish my degree, if I don't find a local job first, I will be loading a moving van and enjoying the life that I have for so long been robbed of. I believe that by moving out with her my blood pressure and stress levels will drop a great deal.

A lot of my mother's resentment stems from my relationship with her mother. My grandmother was a stern woman but a kind, patient, understanding, generous person with a warm heart and an open ear. I could call her and talk for hours on end. She listened more than she talked and rarely criticized. I dread being on the phone with my mother for any period of time (she never calls to say "hi," or "I love you," its always confrontational). Many times I simply ignore her phone calls. Although she and my grandmother had a great relationship, she feels that I liked her mother more than I do her (and until recently I didn't realize it but its true). I would love to get along with my mother but I believe there are too many irons in the fire to set things straight anytime soon. She knows the damage she has done but if she doesn't find a solution in the next year, I may forever be out of her life and that's a fact and she knows it.

CouldCareLess CouldCareLess
15 Responses Jan 28, 2009

I feel for you. I've been throught alot of pain and suffering due to parental favoritism and I know how It can scar someone's mind forvever.

I'm now 27 years old. Parents have been divorced since I was 6. I lived most of my life being raised by my single mom and my 2 other younger sisters. My youngest sister is now 22 and married and the middle one has 25 years.

I've never got along with my mom. She never understood me and she never genuinely cared to try to to be frank. I've always had that feeling of being an out lander in my own family when I was still living there back 9 years ago. I've been diagnosed with severe depression with borderline personality traits when I was about 20 years old. We always had arguments over personal values and what needed to be done. Before I grew up to be a man, our relationship was Ok I guess. Not that lovely, but not in bad terms either. It took off exponentially when I turned 18 years old. My middle sister has been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis about 10 years ago. Even if the disease is managed effectively and my sister isn't suffering the lack of being able of living a normal life, She does just that and pretty well I must say. She always have been sheltered from everything the outer world could do to her. When I was 18, My sister was living at our aunt's house( one of my mom's older sister) in Montreal, Quebec Canada cause she was attending a computer graphics course back then. I was working as a labourer in a oil and coolant treating plant. Someday my sister came to visit us without me knowing about it and she decided to do some of her laundry. When I came back from my night shift at the plant in the early morning, I had to wash my oily and dirty clothes to be ready for my next shift. So during the day, my sister came to be enraged and yelling that my dirty clothes have stained all her designer clothes so i owed her big bucks. Even if in my mind she wasn't supposed to do the laundry at 7AM I still bit the bullet and handed a little over 150 bucks. Now I've worked my *** off at the plant and bought myself a nice project car and It was all my life. Someday, my mom damaged the bumper badly and did a major scratch on it. Paint shop was asking about 400 dollars for the repair. So I came to my mom and told her that she would have to pay for the bumper she damaged. She laughed it off and basically told me to beat it. I was yelling so much and cursing that the neighbors called the cops over. I had to pay for my sister's clothes, but she didn't have to pay for the damage she dealt to my car? What a ******* injustice is that? Even if she knew I was mentally sick, she kicked me and my girlfriend out of the house even if we paid a little rent to live in my room in the basement.

I moved away with my loved one and we found an apartment. I was really resentful towards my mom at this point. She gave my room and a lot of my stuff to my sister and my mom and I went about 6 months without event talking to each other. I was living in another part of the city. So.. Time passed by. I moved in another apartment cause I add hard times with a grumpy old neighbors. When I turned 22, I decided it was time for me to go back to school to get my high school diploma and even if I was struggling to live a normal life due to my mental scars, I've never stropped trying to get myself togheter. My mom never helped me to attend the school. I had to sell my car cause I wasn't working anymore. I wasn't able to keep a job for a good amount of time cause I always ended up in an argument with my bosses.

My mom always putted 10 times the effort in keeping an harmonious relationship with her daughter than she did with me. I tried numerous time to try to explain myself to her. How I saw our situation and why I though we we're always getting into arguments. She did big things to help out my middle sister. She was alwyas getting out of her way to try to help her. But I was always left with the lemons. I had to walk miles in the snow, slush -30's degree in bad shoes. She never offered once a lift to help me getting trough it, but when my sister had a debatable imminent desire of something, my mom always did her best to provide for such whims. I ended up getting the cold 5 times during this winter. She never offered to lend me some money so I could buy some decent winter boots. Finishing my high school was a living hell. Each day was a challenge and I started to feel alienated that I had to deal with such ****** up troubles to succeed. I was on student welfare at that time so I could eat and pay rent and have internet. It was pretty low, but enought to keep a minimal confort. I had to ask my mom for food at few times cause I was eating poorly and maybe once each 3 days. meanwhile, my sister was stress-free, she was enjoying all the commodities of a modern home and had access to a overflowing fridge whenever she felt like it.

I was so close from mental breakdown at this point. I can't go trough all the stuff my mom was willing to do for my sister, but refused to provide the same kind of help or care she was handing out to my sister. Nonetheless, I succeeded at finishing my high school course and received my Diploma. I decided that I wanted to attend a salesperson course somewhere at the opposite side of the city so I moved a bit closer but still, It was very far for someone who doesn't even have a bike and has to rely on his sole feet for any kind of transport.

My mom gave a job at her factory to my sister. She didn't even charge her a rent. while I was struggling to pay for a roof over my head. My sister was doing great. She bought tons of useless crap, like glass-less glasses... Some land on moon.. and that kind of useless crap. She bought herself a new car, a new this, a new that, and was living like she had a well paid executive job. She was able too, cause my mom was handed everything to her for free so she became spoiled and didn't care about contributing to anything like she was entitled to it.

Meanwhile, I found out that I had terrible neighbors who were reporting to the landlord for really trivial and trite stuff. Like singing out of happiness during mid-day or myself take a shower at midnight... So I moved again somewhere else.
I had to go trough a terrible number of hardships no first world person should ever have to go trough. My mental health was at it's lowest during those times.

One day when my mom gave me the permission to come over and do my laundry so I could save a few bucks, She told me that my sister was going to receive a bigger chunk of the inheritance that me, cause she ''Might'' have more bills in the future cause of her multiple sclerosis. I said fine... I get that, but a part of me was trying to brush it off. I'll have a smaller part, and I mean alllooottt smaller part of the inheritance cause someone else had some ****** disease. To this day, it never prevented her to do ANYTHING. She's living a perfect life. she can run, go hike with her dog, parachute from a plane, travel to cuba etc.

When I was about to start my salesperson course, I asked my mom if we could go out for a dinner and talk about stuff I had on my mind for a long time and she agreed. I spoke her about the fact that I'm about 2 miles away from the school and I needed a beater to move me around. I was not willing to walk all the way 5 days a weak cause I had some knee injury preventing me to do so. I was asking her to lend me a thousand dollars that I would pay back when I'm done with the school and she refused pleading that I could use a bike for my transportation instead. I bought myself the best bike my ****** earnings would let me to and since I'm a really big guy and tall guy (6'4'') and about 270 pounds it didn't go trough the first week of school even if I did all the maintenance required myself.

I've been soaked in the rain, I was sweating in my balls off in my suit and wasn't presentable in a salesperson course. I had complains from my teachers and other students that I smelled bad.. Not my fautl.. I shower at least 1 time a day. The 2 miles run was just too much for me and I wasn't a cardio workout hero.
I went trough terrible school days and social failures cause of problems like this and the lack of help of my mom. She decided to not give a single **** about me and basically started to deliberately push me away. Again, I was struggling to eat 2 times a day, but that never prevented my mom to nag me off like a was a ******* bum.. It was really obvious to me and all the people that know her well that she sheltered my sister so much, she wasn't able to grow out of this money and emotionally dependent state. My mom and my sister were living both together like 2 females best friend would. My mom divorced and never got along with another male ever. She stayed single and still is to this day. She's 56 by now.

My year at the salesperson course was absolutely a disaster. I almost got into physical fight with every jackasses that were in the same class as me. I was becoming a laughing stock of my peers. Smelly, depressed, soaked in rain you name it. I hated every bit of it. My mom could have done something to help me during this particularly hard time of my life, but she chose to act judgmental and Nagy instead. She refused to help feeding me even if I was a full time student working my *** off to get a grade and coping with severe mental depression, loneliness an many borderline personality traits and her 3 dogs always had bowls full of premium food. Few months after my course started, I came to an horrific realization. The apartment I was renting was infested with bedbugs that a previous Moroccan renter left there. So I lost all my furniture and and to pay almost a thousand dollars to resolve the issue plus buying new furnitures as well. I asked her if she could help me paying for some furniture, she told me she didn't have money for that, but she have money to spend to go in the Bahamas every winter for at least 3 weeks. I was so pissed and distrusting of her. She kept blaming me for my flaws I did a serious suicide attempt and woke up at the hospital. She never came to visit me. She didn't cared and it was showing and In fact, some of my childhood worst enemies went the ones to come over to see if I was alright went it happened and I'm grateful for that.

I hate my mom so munch I moved about 200 miles away to be alone. At least, if I wasn't going to receive a little push to help in any ways, I'd be better not seeing her at all. She knows that I'm mad at her and I have a lot of valid reasons to be. To this day, I didn't spoke back to her. It will soon be 2 years since I saw her face or heard her voice. I spent xmas, birthdays alone in foreign places and at this point she knows that I will probably not talk to her anymore. I'm done with her . She was supposed to guide me and help be until I was able to fly on my own but she willingly failed me. I couldn't be better off without her. I'm so glad I ditched her out of my life. I'm still struggling with mental health issues to this day, but i'm working on them with professional specialist and I hope that someday, I'll be able to live a normal , fulfilling life. I'm away, living my dreams or trying to do so. Just got into signing up for an horticulture class that I know will suits me like a glove since I hate stress and factories and stuff that reminds me of industrialized stuff. Much rather work with mother earth instead.

So my mom was always here to nag me off, Never tried to provide me with useful insights

She always made my ''physically sick'' sister a priority over me and my other younger sister

-She never gave a single **** when I was ridden in bedbugs and at the verge of a mental colllapse

-She always gave my sister anything she wanted, even if it was purely whims

-She wasn't willing to lend me money so I could buy a car to go get a degree but was willing to lend almost the same sum of money to my sister for a brake job on her car.

-Always nags me about how much resources I took from her even if I didn't take more than an average young adults who was a full tiem student

-She told me that she would give a bigger portion of the inheritance to my sister regardless of what I could think about that. Just or Unjust.

-She add hundred of opportunity to bring me alont to see my dying grand-mother and she didn't cause my mom and me weren't getting along really well. Results? She passed away without even seeing her godson (Me)

- Blamed me for the bedbugs even if it was already in the place I moved without the possibilty of knowing about it beforehand

- Didn't nothing when I told her I was being the laughing stock of my class cause I couldn't come to class clean cut. She instead paid a boobjob to help raise the self esteem of my ''sick'' sister

- She denied me any dental care services that she add on her work insurance just cause she felt like it. My sister had a full orthodontic device that costed few thousands.

-She nagged about providing a little as 20 bucks a week for helping feeding my studying self. Buy she always made sure my sister had a fridge full of whatever foods she prefered.

-She purposely tried to misguide me when I wasn't able to think for myself cause of the depression kicking in hard.

- She paid for plane tickets so my sister and she could have the time of her life in Cuba, but denied me any money to pay for exterminators when I was bedbug ridden.

-She let me walk 15 miles a week during a whole year September to June with a knee injury and my condition worsen due to that.

-She always took my sister out for dinner in pubs and restaurants for free.

-She was always saying that she didn't have money to help me get out of my unbearable misery. when I moved 200 miles away, I've learned that she did hire some construction worker to make a Private secondary parking so my sister could park her new car.

-She could have hired me to do the landscaping for a predetermined sum of money that could have paid for a car so I could attend my classes being Top shape. she instead hired a private buffon who did a half assed job and she paid about 10 000 bucks. I was her son and I had some previous landscaping experiences that would have made me successful in those tasks.

-She took my keys from the home I've been born and raised in and both of my sister still have their keys.

She since spent thousand of dollars in renovation around the house and was complaining she couldn't help me to pay for an exterminator.

-She always made sure her dogs were well fed but she couldn't care less if her son ate 3 days of the week.

-She didn't took my suicide attemps seriously and laughed it off even if I woke up at the hospital critically injured.

And much much more stuff I just can't remember so well due to the sheer numer of heart shattering stuff.

Parental favoristm is really an horrible thing and even if they pretend to like all the children equals , that's bullshit. There's always one of em they feel emotionally closer and have more alike values. Now, If I ever get to raise my own familly, you can be sure that she will not even get a notice when her grandkids will be born. I'm done with my mom, She was suppose to help me but instead did everything she could possibly think off to make my life harder and myself more miserable. I hate her , Yeah, hate is a strong word, but well employed in this case. I do feel only hatred towards her and her lack of willingness to help solve our issues and poor parenting skills confirmed that I wanted her out of my life until I meet my coffin.

She gave

So. Me

Omg when I read this, I felt exactly like you. My mother is exactly the same except I'm only 14 now and I'm going through a terrible time as long as my mother is present. I'm so afraid of her.

It is very hard growing up with a mother who is not a mother to you, and in fact, does what she can to make your life more difficult because she is a jealous attention hog. But she is this way due to mental issues and her life has been less because of it, so you should pity her. My mom was such a mother and has passed on and due to her issues never lived a fulfilled life. She made my life hell at times. She needed help. There is no reason to be cruel to a child, even your own, even if you cannot help that you don't love them. I don't think she tried to hard. Anyway when she died, I did not feel I lost someone who cared for me or even tried to help me in any real way. It was not like loosing someone I had any good relationship with. You are strong if you survive such a mother. Don't dwell on it and let it keep you from living a fulfilled life that she will not know unless she can change.

You're not the only one I've been experiencing it every day the mood swings and all that you said.I want to run away but im too afraid.I'm even thinking to kill myself but I dont want to waste it.Her cruelty made make Manic-Depressive and a sociopath.The worthless feeling I get that A lot.I am deciding to email this child protection safety If I could stay there,still thinking if I should go.And the worst part Im 14.I even have low grades cause of adhd I write it in a letter and she was like use this and that.


Sorry If there's a wrong grammar. Im not good in speaking in english.

Me and my mom always fight. She always nag at me even though im only sitting in one place. I did my best. I did my best for her. Feels like she's only roud about my older brother. She always throw bad words to me. She loves to throw things to me. She always compare me to my brother. And it hurts. Feels like im just a living dead here in our house. My brother's always saying that I suck. That im an idiot. They dont believe me. Always. Looks like they hate me that much. They said that I suck at school. She always prioritize my brother. They dont care even though I am sick. My brother is beating me always. But my mom dosent care. I would just love to die now and be with my dad now. My mother do have a boyfriend now. But heck, all she know is to take care of that damned boyfriend of her. I love them. I love them to death. They saif that they hate me. They hate because im the one who causd my fathers death. But I am just 15. What did I do? Yes. I suck. I know that. I am stupid. I am idiot. I am.

Do not allow these people, even though they are family, to blame you and bring you down. If they cannot treat their own flesh and blood with love and respect, they have mental problems. Stay out of their way as much as possible. They are sick. Once you begin to understand that they are sick people, maybe you can pity them. You may not be able to help them though, because you are too close to the situation. So take care of yourself and be good to others.

CouldCareLess you're right, leave this horrid woman! She is a rude **** and it's unacceptable behavior. I await the day to finally leave my mother once and for all. It will happen in a few months. In fact I hate my mother so much I may never tell her my new address. My mother has mood swings too, I think she has undiagnosed psychosis or bipolar disorder, which would make sense that I have a few disorders as well. I have suffered from this woman for so long as well. She has always been the child that I had to take car of. She even threatened not to let me borrow her car to work tomorrow if I don't clean my room. (I work full time as a receptionist and recently finally got my permit after much hardship with my stupid mother). I wish you good luck and it's okay to admit you hate your mother. <3

That's exactly how my mother makes me feel, it seems mothers are more prone to differential treatment? <br />
<br />
Looking back my mother and I seemed to have a bad relationship once my sister started performing exceptionally at elementary school. I think my mother felt she could fulfil her dreams, she had always wanted to be a doctor which my sister now is. Also she herself had a bad relationship with her mother who favoured her younger sister and I resemble my aunty.<br />
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Fortunately I have always had an amazing relationship with my Dad, he has always been my biggest supporter. However my mother is a manipulative women and occasionally strains our relationship by trying to turn my Dad against me when we argued. Over the years I just learnt to ignore her and no longer try to please her. A part of me will be thankful because it has made me tougher and now I know what kind of mother I never will be. <br />
Now my sister is not as close to my mother, she regularly disrespect my mother. I feel my mother is envious of how close I still am with my Dad. Whilst I have moved on and forgiven her, I no longer feel like she is family to me, just a mere acquaintance.

My mother is very similar. Me and my brothers never got married because of her. We can not deal with the irrational demanding nagging faultfinding hissy fits. I'm sick and tired of loving her I need to be an adult not a child. I once dated a woman that was like my mom. Her childern were taken away by the state. I cried in her kids room on the floor like a baby. Thank God I didn't have sex with her.

Your not alone, my mother is also an emotional vampire, she suck all my energy and confidence, telling lots of negative words that she can label me... My eldest brother is her ultimate favorite.... She calls me, dum, stupid, no brainer, and ugly and humiliate me in front of her friends... She's nice to other people and a people pleaser, but she always look at me as if there's always something wrong with me.... I just open Joyce Meyer website to watch her teaching, to convince myself that I am love by GOD to survive... I'm one board exam away for my freedom, and I am telling you, I have average IQ, but I had a hard time finishing college because I am emotionally drain, because my self esteem is very low... Finally I finished, despite my heartaches... One board exam away and I am free as a bird...<br />
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English is not my first language, sorry if there's a wrong grammar....


Funny,<br />
For so many years I believed my mother had an unusual mix of meannes and narcisisim. I was convinced there was no one else out there like her, and thus no other people out there like me and my brothers and sisters. It is somewhat comforting to know that there are others occupying my boat, but, it also feels like a double edge sword. I mean, it such that their are so many people suffering . (Their delicate emotional selves, their fragile spirit tossed around like worthless garbage) too many of us robbed of our birthright. So often forced to wrestle with long lasting risidual pain of the past .My mother fits the pattern, the description of a typical narcissism, but that of the mean kind., Yet can, if she wants be so kind to those she likes. I guess thats what hurts, How she could hate a person who loves her unconditionaly (although, I despise the mother she was), and simply not ever care about my feelings. I can go on and on. I don't need any convincing, I know she is really ill. I'm alittle pissed that she had to be placed on this planet with such a disfunctional mind. (She isn't even aware of how her ideas , thoughts, actions etc. toward me are a form of sociopathy, of a definite mental illness.) I must endevour to forgive her, because I know that she really is just that way...and that way turns out to be percieved by society as mental illness. Thank God, I knew I was right, that she was a sick person...It's frustrating to know that she would have never gotten help anyway, after all other people were the ones who needed mental help not her....The really sad thing is that she has been wasting years and years of her

Are you sure that we aren't related this sounds exactly what I go through on an everyday bases. I am actually the baby which I thought was suppose to be the favorite. She favors my older brother the one who does no wrong in life.

my mom is much the same. shows extreme favoritism always has and in fact my sibs she's closest with and has most in common with---live very close together (neighbors). one of the homes was to be mine--long story short--i was betrayed by her and left out of their 'hood. fine. but every time i go visit, that dull ache of betrayal creeps over me. she def has smarts enough to know that! oh well i guess. complicating things, even tho it hurts--i never wanted to live near her anyway--too many ghosts from my wretched childhood on that street! but still it wouldve been very practical and cheaper etc etc. total water under the dam tho. <br />
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i would not bother telling ur mom u dont like her. i doubt it would make u feel euphoric--probably the opposite, and u don't need that kind of weird guilt trip. i visit my mom once every few months generally, but have gone months and years without doing so. she was not her mom's fav AT ALL as a kid and LOVED complaining to ME about it CONSTANTLY when i was a KID. i shouldve been charging by the hour for those sessions listening to her, trying to help. while my requests for help as a shy, loser-rejected-by-all-kid---received deadpan retorts like, 'it'll get worse before it gets better' 'no wonder they dont like u' just get over it!'.....not ONE warm, heart to heart from her to me as a kid. NOT ONE. but she had plenty of them with my cousin, and the two are close to this day. my aunt was just as distant to me. go figure! my mother even once said something very strange (i get cold easily and always have)when i was 20 or so, 'maybe u are so cold all the time--because u do not exist.' OKAAYYY. <br />
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anyway, im glad i am not biased and into choosing favorites as a mom. my 2 boys are my whole entire world, and also my two best friends.....when u share that with kids of your own someday---ur crummy childhood will lose some of its hold on u and u will be glad u became the person u are DESPITE IT. it'll even make visiting ur mom easier! <br />
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best of luck to (((you.))) :)

That must have been really tough, unimaginable really, to hear your mother say she really doesn't like you. It would be normal to feel very hurt over that. We all want certain things from our moms, even if they don't give them to us. I hope you feel better.

a mother is supposed to love you<br />
no matter what<br />
and it is hard and damaging if they don't <br />
and no child should feel like they are second best or worse