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Letting Go.... (forgiveness)

Since I was about 14 years old, my mother and I didn't get along at all!  There were times, through my remaining 4 years of high school, I swore I'd lose touch with her once I graduated and left home.  My mother was verbally and emotionally abusive as she called me vulgar names and put  me down almost on a weekly basis.  I didn't understand why someone could be so cruel to their own (and ONLY) child.

 

I wound up joining the Army during the summer before my senior year in high school.  I couldn't wait to be out of the house and as far away as I could go.  Over a year later I got my wish.  The Army sent me to Germany and more than 2,000 miles from "home".  I couldn't believe how homesick I was and anticipated going home after being overseas for a year.  I went home on leave for 30 days and after 2 weeks there,  my mother reminded my why I left in the first place.  We got in to a huge fight as she once again came out of left field and verbally attacked me. 

Through the next 10 years we had an on again/off again relationship.  Somehow we always managed to get past the issues and I hoped and prayed she would stop acting like, what seemed like, she hated me.  All I ever wanted was to feel loved AND liked by her.  I wasn't a bad kid and tried very hard to get her approval.  I wasn't a perfect kid but I truly tried to have a good relationship with her.  It seemed I couldn't do anything right by her and it was very frustrating over the years.  Once I had children she lightened up a little bit.

By Fall 2004, my mother had been diagnosed with incurable endometrioidal cancer.  She was 55 years old and it was detected through a routine colonoscopy.  That diagnosis was a turning point in our relationship.  From that point on I detected when she would act like she was about to lash out at me and noticed she would catch herself.  I think she knew her cancer was incurable and if we were going to have any kind of positive relationship, it had to stop.  I don't know if she realized she wasn't so nice to me over the years or just felt it was something she had to do. 

I find it an act of God and a finding of forgiveness for the past "pain" I felt she laid upon me during her remaining 5 years. Sadly, my mother passed away on my birthday almost a year ago this month.  While she was under hospice care, I made sure she knew I forgave her as she in turn forgave me.  I spent her last few weeks helping to take care of her and spending as much time with her as I could.   I truly have forgiven her as I share my story with you all.  It wasn't an easy road but I feel so thankfully blessed I had the opportunity to mend the ties with my mom.  I now miss her terribly and think only of the good times we did have. 

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift.  That's why they call it the present.  It isn't always possible and you can't make people change but you can change the way you think.  Mothers are a gift from God and should be loved no matter what.

3in1try 3in1try 36-40, F 4 Responses Mar 3, 2010

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I wish my mom wud have been at least an atom amount of nice in word with me. she is like i donno what to say. the same typo of all *****. why some mothers can't understand the thing is that a daughter can be her best frnd!! just act upon that! I hate my mom as well due to her behave on me. she is terrible in verbal and emotional attack. she always loves my 2 other brothers and not just me. i'm the only daughter still she takes me as garbage.

It really takes a strong person to go through what you did. Your story is very sad but real and I was very moved by it,maybe because I have experienced many of the things you told us about. I also couldn't stand my mother's abusive behaviour and moved out as soon as I could (when I was 17),moved abroad and sickly missed my family for a long time.The moments I visited refreshed my memories and I was soon glad I moved out.

Then one day my dad passed away suddenly and for 2 seconds our life was changed. I was engaged at the time and my fiancé didn't care much about my feelings so I had to leave him and came back home to be around my mum and watch her at a time like that. We were devastated and I was ready to forgive and forget every difference we always had with her. She was changed and was a lot less criticising than before. My brother moved out, pursuing his career and I was the only one around.Now,3 years after what happened to my dad, we are finally going back to normal in the whole sense of it,my mother is unemployed and I am now single and without work,too.The situation is very tough and very often I get reminded why I moved out 10 years ago. I can't do much at the moment but put up with all the remarks and criticism of my mother,although it is extremely difficult to do so, once I have learned to be on my own. I have doubts sometimes that I am probably a bad person not being able to do things right (my mother's "right") but I know we are just different. The point is people should learn to live in peace with their differences and that's very hard. I am trying my best and although I feel sorry for my lonely mother,I think It's best if I moved out again and left her make some realizations for herself. It is really sad that very often people come to see things after some tragedy hits their life,I wish it wasn't that way...

Thank you Clarkee. There were times I wasn't so sure I could ever move past what had already been done. It is possible and takes a strong person to be able to get past it. I wish you all the best in being able to forgive your mom and move on.

this is a nice story. you are a special person to meet you mom on common ground and know how important it is. i hope i have been able to forgive myself for past grievances i had with my mom. she's still with us but she has alzheimer's. i think ive taken my mom for granted a lot but i have also appreciated her. i also think you are a lucky person even though it sounded like your mom was ****** to you there do exist mothers who should not be loved..