I Swear At Them In My Head A Lot.

I will keep this as simple as possible, however I suck at keeping things short. I tried.

My life has been 16 years of emotional suppression due to my parents' inability to understand me.

I am very "self-aware" and I know how to deal with hurt feelings and how to be happy without needing anything from them, which is a very useful skill, I've found, so there was never any serious thoughts of suicide, never any inescapable pain.

The problem is just that I am human. I cannot always "find my happy place" quickly and effectively enough to stave off the hurt feelings that come from their endless berating.

The reason I am writing this is because I have been terribly sick all day, I probably have the flu, and I looked terrible and sounded disgusting.

All I wanted to do was stay home. -- That is a non-option because they don't believe I'm truly that sick.

Once I got to school I realized how quickly this day was going downhill, and generally felt like walking death. I dragged through half of the day, and decided I really needed to go home. -- Then I remembered that A) my parents would never pick me up early. That is a joke. B) My parents would do nothing but get angry at me, scold me, and indirectly punish me for coming home early in little ways like finding extra chores and cancelling some of my plans. (they think I'm a terrible spoiled brat of a child and take things at will whenever they like. Noting is off limits either- they took my schoolwork before.)

Spent the rest of the day waiting for the moment when I could just be alone in my room comfortably working on the piles of things I had to do. Where no one would bother me and I could do my thing (while shamelessly blowing my nose like a foghorn) in peace. -- AS SOON AS I WALK IN THE DOOR My mom starts yelling at me for every random thing that she didn't like that I have done in the past week. Then gives me a handful of tasks that she wants done RIGHT NOW because she's too lazy to do them herself and because she f*cking said so. Some of them were: "Why didn't you pick up the trash!? Go pick up the trash!! (on the side of the road a solid two houses down like muthafuka I didn't see it calm yourself?) and then put the trash can back inside the garage. After you wash your hands take the clothes out of the dryer and fold them and hang them up in my closet then go fill up my water bottle and bring it to me!!!!"

You see my issue? I just got home, I've been sad all day, why on earth must she be so needy and nasty to boot?

She just keeps it going, it literally never stops. Not a moment in her presence goes by without her yelling at me for something. I can't win. I absolutely hate her, and really I could write a book of all the terrible things she does. And how my father does nothing to make it better, either siding with her or taking some totally opposite position and confusing me as to which parent I should appease.

I got problems.

I'll be okay, but I got problems.
grumpycat grumpycat
Jan 14, 2013