Why Can't He Let Go? Am I Not Enough?

I don't even know where to begin. First off, I am fuming mad right now, because I just got off of the phone with him.

So, he and I are looking at apts. Monday & have decided to live with one another.  Before I sign any papers and stuff though, I want him to break the news to his Ex that we are moving in together etc.  This is not just any Ex tho... many years ago, when we first met, he had a gf (this is the ex I am referring to).  Well, he told me that things were rocky, and even told me they broke up.  So, we started seeing eachother and dating and all that fun stuff, only to find out months later he was seeing both of us still.  Well, he lost both of us once we found out the truth.  Then, about a year later, I just decided that there was something about him, and that I really did  love him and was willing to forgive him.  Things were fine, but the Ex always got in the way.  He always said if we were to move in together and start a life together that is when he would cut ties off with her.

Well, now that time has arrived and its like he is not prepared to do it... or more like he doesn't want to!  Honestly, I don't have a problem with him keeping in touch with other ex's... the ex's that did not directly interfere with our relationship.  I just can't handle him keeping in touch and whatever else with the girl he couldn't choose between her or me.  He thinks it is selfish of me... someone please comment back and tell me whether I am justifed or if it is selfish.  He doesn't think I should make him give up a friendship, but its like this is way different than friendship.. There is a lot of BAD history with her involved, and if we want to make it work between us, she has got to leave the scene.

Does anyone understand this?  Really, I feel I am totally justified here, but maybe not?

I just hate how he is pulling this guilt trip about I am forcing him  to let her go, when he should be looking at it as I am supposedly the love of his life, and I am enough to make him happy. 

I am just severely doubting moving in with him now, if he is so damn hung up on keeping things going with her.  Its like he still hasn't made a damn choice here.

I have told him repeatedly that as much as it would suck for him to tell me he doesn't want to move in with me, but I would rather know the truth than to go through with it and just make him miserable, you know?

And to make things worse when I asked if he would even have a smile on his face when he sees me Monday for the first time in three weeks, he said "maybe".  UGH! Its like, if you are going to be moving in with me, and you say its what you want, then you had better smile when you see me!  ARGHHH

Someone, anyone, please leave feedback! I need an outsider's viewpoint on this.

Thanks so much. 
Xtina128 Xtina128
26-30, F
2 Responses Jun 3, 2007

This guy made a PROMISE to you, he stated before you decided to move in together, that IF you did he WOULD cut off ties with his ex. Well it's time for him to * s h i t or get off the pot* if he is a man that does not keep his word, than like the others i say runnnnnnnnnn as fast as you can BUT if you want to give him a 2nd chance ( and NO you are NOT being SELFISH, but he IS) than tell him that until he makes up his mind, either her or you, you are out of here, and if and when he comes to his senses (and he stupidly will in time, because she is NOT an EX for no reason) than tell him IF you are still available their might be a chance, but you are not promising him anything. First he will not expect you to give him this *chance* and this way YOU walk out STRONG, knowing if the fool goes back to his ex and doesn't keep his promises to someone he supposedly LOVES, than you gave him the illussion of a FAIR chance to make a decision, while you actually move on with your life. Love is not suppose to hurt, and he is hurting you in 2 ways; 10 HE BROKE HIS INITIAL promise AND 2. knowing THAT HAVING THE EX AROUND HURTS YOU, HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE (ooops sorry caps), not caring for your feelings to me = not truly loving you to the degree that you DESERVE for a committed relationship. Eitherway remember YOU are not being selfish, HE is.... Good Luck!!

run...at top speed in the other direction. you may not want to hear from me, because i am that girl. i am an ex, and i am still in love with an ex that is still in love with me but looking to date. he even likes a girl, and has been seeing her but is sleeping with me because they arent there yet. <br />
run...hes no good if he cant keep people sacred. what he and i have might not be complete but only because he is holding back, and looking forward not back, but guys like them dont have the balls to leave it behind, and if the ex is like me, and all she has is eyes for him, it's not a good situation. see, i've learned that once people break up, the horrible confines and pressures of a relationship are no longer bearing down on that fragile bond. once we lost the boundaries, we appreciated each other more, remembered why we fell for each other. however, doubt and hurt keep us from fully committing to each other for the long haul.<br />
he needs to make up his mind that he is ready to leave her behind, and perhaps the only way he is going to do that is remember why he felt the the need to date other people in the first place.<br />
this hurts and it sucks and he sucks, but take it from me, everyone is hurting except him and that isnt fair. he will hurt, because he will lose one of you, the only consolation being that what is on the other side is worth it.<br />
however, it wont be worth it if all he has leftover of you after he is done being indecisive is a secure and paranoid partner because he couldnt make up his mind. force it. the odds are in your favor, but if he walks away, at least you know now...good for you for not jumping to the next step without doubts, and good for you for the strength youre going to need. if you need to talk, im here, and so are >we< love, kf