I Don't Have a Mother

I do not have a mother who loves me and I miss her so much. She is alive and well, lives in the same city as I, but considers me dead. She told me that I have hated her since I was two years old, that for me hurts, as I have two children and that is something that you are taught. She wanted me to be the perfect child when I was growing up, very hard on me, I have one brother who could do no wrong, but when it came to me...that was a different story. I' almost 32 and I miss her being in my life, and yes I have tried so many times to build a realtionship with her, but there is nothing that I can do right, nothing that made or makes her happy. She was not there when I got married, she was not there when I had my two children, she was not there when I graduated school (the only one in my family that did) was not there for anything that meant something in my life. I begged for her to be there but she was not. It was just a plain out no! When I told her that I was pregnant with my first child she told me that she was not ready to be a grandmother and she did not want anything to do with my child when he was born. It tore me inside to hear that from a mother, as I love my children unconditionally, as a mother and father should. My morals and values I learned mostly from my father and life itself, and I way I wanted to be. When I had my children I got married, bought a home and stayed in a abusive relationship for 4 years until I decided that this was not the life for me or my children. She was never there for me when I needed her the most. A mother is the truest friend you have, or so I thought. But when I went through the divorce and custody she acually did show up to the court house when I started to fight for my children. I was glad and thankful to see her there, I thought finally she came to be there for me when I needed her the most. She was not sadly, she was there to tell the judge that I was two young, and not fit to be a mother. It took 5 years to fight for joint custody of my children. The astonishment on my face, and the feeling of not wanting to go on anymore was overwhelming, but I did, despite her best attempts to hurt me. I never have forgiven her for that, although we do not speak nor talk and I am not aloud to call, be near her home, all because I was not the perfect child. I was never into drugs, I never drank, I loved school and went on with all the things I needed and wanted to do regarding my education, I was not out at parties, or sleeping around, so it leaves me to ask this question that haunts me everyday. Why.... how can a mother not love her child? What did I ever do so wrong besides just being a normal child, a child who loved to play and just be a kid, even though this child was sexually abused, phycially abused, I still kept strong...she was never there to help me, to love me, to be there for me in the darkest of hours...I miss having a mother, I don't even know what it is like to have one who loves you no matter what!

LadyDove LadyDove
Feb 24, 2009