No Friends + Social Anxiety = ****

I'm 20 years old soon to be 21.
I live with my only 2 friends and go to uni and work parttime. For me highschool was really difficult I saw all my old friend moving on and maing new friends but I just couldnt do it I stuck close to the people I knew and the 2 girls im living with now were those people. They are everything to me, my biggest support. After highschool i thought i could make a new start for myself and moved out of home into a studio for the beginning of my uni course. I have never felt lonlier. Something that i imagined as amazing and exciting and imagining all these new friends i would make really a fresh start.. I thought i could run away from my social anxiety but omg i was so wrong. I failed to make any friends at uni and I just couldnt understand why. At first i triedto be 100 percent myself which worked for the 1st week and then i just lost this false confidence i saw everyone else forming friendships and groups and i just felt hopeless i didn't tallk to anyone i would just do my uni work and go home to my lonely studio apartment. One of my worst years I have ever experienced. Last year I started getting help my going to a psychologist and sure this helped me understand my social anxiety and that everything I was really thinking was pretty much false but still I just couldnt implement the tactics I'd learnt there in my real life. So now in my last year of uni still having no friends and my 21st is coming up with my parents asking what do you want to do, have a big party? They however dont know how ******* lonely i am or that i have no uni friends it kills me. I feel like such a disappointment. When i finish my degree i want to run again. I want to go overseas and just leave my past behind. Although like lasttime im sure itll catch up with me. Life is short but i feel like im just waisting mine. social anxiety is one of the worst mental illnesses i swear to god. Going through life not being able to make any social connections is so painful...we all just need help.
S9loner S9loner
18-21, F
May 12, 2012