Just Angsting

I'm in my 20's, in college, and I don't have any friends.  It's not that I don't get out or that I'm some sort of basement dweller; I was active in sports in high school and in college I'm in 3 clubs and participate in many volunteer activities... I was raised fluent in 2 languages so I can even connect with some people in ways that most Americans can't, but to be honest I have no one that I feel I can trust.  On weekends, if I'm not busy with jobs or activities or official business, I read, because that's all that I can do.  I don't go out, don't get invited out either...


I've had good acquaintances in the past that might have called me a friend if they were asked, but when I was with them I despised myself for compromising my nature to get along with them, and just wanted to be alone.  Then over time I neglected them enough so I was alone, and now I have this horrible emptiness inside me.  I feel like such a freak... when I meet new people, they ask me if I party all the time... that's always the question I get, "Do you party?"  What do I say?  I don't lie, I tell them that I don't, usually coming up with some half-truth as to why, and it's like right then and there there's this understanding that "Oh, this guy's a loser, I've got nothing in common with him."  Some people reach out to me, but often times I just don't feel like I have anything in common with them, so I passively reject their advances... this is going back to that thing I have about compromising my nature.


I remember reading Carrie by Stephen King when I was younger, and there was a foreward by the author for the reprinting, and he wrote about the girls he based Carrie on, that they were utter social outcasts, like they had an aura about them that repelled others, and that some people are just like that and no one knows why or can do anything about it.  This has always stuck with me and haunted me, because as much as I want to believe that this assertion is just armchair psychology, I'm pretty sure that it's true and applies to me %100.

humus humus
22-25, M
2 Responses Feb 19, 2010

I am 23 a female

How bout you make some online friends ?<br />
<br />
Maybe you can't click well with REAL friends because they don't really have anything in common with you ? <br />
<br />
I can be your ONLINE friend if u want.