Caged.

i have a lot of reasons to explain this. but it's not really one of those weird things about me that i need to be explained (at least to myself). it just need to be "catharted". because it is weird when you're a loner. everyone has friends. everyone has some place to be on saturday night. someone to talk to. fight with. invite for sleep overs. i don't. and like i said i know why. (((sometimes i wish i could merge all my experiences into one melting pot. i feel so fragmented sometimes when i write a story that has a beginning in another experience group.))) but anyway...my experience of not having any friends (without the justifications) is this : it's lonely on bad days. freedom on good days. i don't always like to have people around. i hate feeling obligated to be a friend sometimes when i would rather just be boring, quiet, and selfish. when other people are around that is always misinterpreted. but i miss the laughter. those crazy silly coincidences you have with someone. walking with someone so you don't feel so judged and alone. sitting at a coffee shop. watching a movie. holding someone's hands. just being understood by someone who wants to. i've had bits and pieces of great friendships in my life. but maybe by choice and also by skill, that slowly stopped. i have this incredible need to draw into myself at the time when things are sometimes so good...that's how i have ruined every friendship in my life....at the moment my life has stopped. nothing is filling the emptiness. not work. not service. not money. hardly enough music. the more and more time i spend alone in my room, the harder it becomes to understand how to be a social being. i need someone to convince me that friendship is sometimes better than solitude. i haven't had anyone do that for me. ever. and why is it so embarrassing to not have friends?? i've lied to my online friends about having real friends so i don't feel weird. but i am weird. i am the poster child for a weird, weird, weird social recluse........maybe that's why i lie. you know what i just realized...people can relate to the group title on EP but not the lived experience....so...you gotta tell the story. even if it's embarrassing or trivial or nonsensical. maybe no one will comment or relate, but the experience is like a caged bird. once you say it, you release it......bf.
TheRealMimi TheRealMimi
31-35, F
5 Responses Mar 9, 2010

@msbeckylynn, yeah i hear u. as adults we have that horrible thing called inhibition that i think makes it harder (virtually impossible) for us to walk up to someone and say "wanna be my friend". that used to be easy when we were kids remember. as adults we kinda assume that everybody has it together and is already a friend to somebody....but i do know that most of the friendships in my life have come from a lack of looking for any. it's almost like god puts you at the right place at the right time. with the right person. i'm trying to be less demanding with her about when that right time is....i trust her. bf. (god = her. sometimes *smile*). take care.

lol, i am trying to find them. <br />
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sometimes i even get scolded by my parents (i'm 18, and ironically i get scolded by my parents at that kind of age because of t rival matters, sucks being me. lol) because i want to spend time with people and become strengthen our bond. ridiculous, i tell you! lol<br />
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i hope our solitude shall be broken someday. it gets lonely whenever i'm in it..

oh i don't think you should give up on wanting the kind of friend that will stick by you. it sounds like from parts of ur life experience you actually deserve that. i'm not sure how old you are (although chronological age has nothing to do with it), but i am writing from a very hurt perspective of someone who feels too old for this to be ok. you and i should always believe that company is important and that there are actually ppl who are a good temporary replacement for solitude. once i work thru my issues, this will hopefully be a position waiting for me at the end of the tunnel...i hope it is for you too. bf.

ah... yeah, i can totally relate to you<br />
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i also spend my time inside the house every saturdays.maybe its the habit my parents brought upon me when i was a child. or the children who always view me as someone abnormal since i was a little different from them. and sometimes, they would make fun of you for that. <br />
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lol, i would always intentionally make myself late for school so i wont see those people. whoever wants to see them anyways? no one there is my friend. no one there really cares about me. maybe the teachers do, but that's their work. <br />
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anyways, its really hard to find friends that will stick with you. but i already know at some point, they too would also leave you behind. but i have to accept that. we have a life to live by. but i cant really help wanting someone to be there always too.

I am the poster child for a weird social recluse...new group. lol.